You People Are Out of Your Goddam Minds

First of all, there is nothing better than ice cream cake. PERIOD. I don't have a wife, a career, or children, and the only thing I'm pissed at God about is that I didn't discover ice cream cake until I was 36 years old. And yet red velvet cake beats it out? Are you fucking shitting me? HELLO!  It's cake AND ice cream AND frosting!! TOGETHER!!!! This is like if the vagina, ass and titties were in one place!!! Red velvet? What am I eating, a fucking sportscoat?

Secondly, next to ice cream cake nothing beats Boston Cream Pie. It's like a fucking doughnut, but without the pesky outside, bready part!!!! Yet it loses out to....and seriously, I'm having fucking trouble typing this...PUMPKIN?!?!?!? Fucking pumpkin? A fucking vegetable beats out an open-faced doughnut? Same with carrot beating out black forest cake? I'd make the obvious "if you're Bugs Bunny" joke, but that's an insult to animals that can talk and outwit humans. And French Silk is good, but it should'nt have gone up against Cherry in the first round - fruit pies warmed up with a heaping scoop of Breyer's vanilla ice cream? Camon!

And of course cheesecake has to win, because people are fucking idiots who wouldn't know a good dessert if I squirted it in their mouths while looking at my Heather Thomas poster. Cheesecake. What the fuck. I give up. Fuck you people, I can't even fucking talk about this anymore.