Goodbye, Cancer

I'm not an astronomy guy, but then, I don't believe in Santa Claus either and didn't that hairbrush appear under the tree seemingly from out of nowhere Christmas morning '80? Yaaaaaaaay, magic!  Now I can brush my hair!!  It's a Christmas fucking miracle!!!

Okay, where the fuck was I...oh yeah - apparently, all the Zodiac sign dates have changed:

Astronomers have restored the original Babylonian zodiac by recalculating the dates that correspond with each sign to accommodate millennia of subtle shifts in the Earth's axis. Prepare to have your minds blown, all you people with easily blowable minds.

    Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
    Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
    Pisces: March 11-April 18.
    Aries: April 18-May 13.
    Taurus: May 13-June 21.
    Gemini: June 21-July 20.
    Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
    Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
    Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
    Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
    Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
    Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
    Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

Must say, since I picture people who really follow this shit to be hippies in robes missing job interviews, I'm impressed they're aware of something so scientific as shifts in the Earth's axis. On the other hand, I'm a Gemini now, which means I have to stand on my head every day from 9:20-9:31 and be attracted to dudes, so.