Regis Retiring

Why the fuck is Regis retiring? What the hell's he gonna do? I'll tell you what he's gonna do: sit in his kitchen in his goddam bathrobe yammering to anybody who will fucking listen. So why stop doing it on tv? At least now he gets to paw at Pamela Anderson's titties ("Hey, I'm an old man!") and hang out with George Clooney so he can feel "like one of the boys!" People retiring from jobs they'd do at home anyway is a weird thing. Why the hell would I leave my job at the masturbation plant?

I will now respectfully step back whilst you, my most loyal fans, flood ABC with an insanely prolific write-in campaign to make me his replacement on the show.