Two Years Ago Today. And No, She Hasn't Confirmed Me as Her Friend On Facebook. Heartless Bitch.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

My Date with Meghan McCain

I'm not usually into chunky blondes, but for some reason I've got a big ol' crush on Meghan McCain, who wrote an article last week re: her problems dating since the election. Feeling bad for her, I called her up to go on a date with me, and brought an intern to transcribe part of our dinner and maybe see what she's doing wrong.

XMASTIME: hey, you gonna eat that?
MEGHAN: oh...I, I guess not (handing over breadstick)
XMASTIME: that's not what I was pointing to (wink)
MEGHAN: oh! (blush)
XMASTIME: ah fuck it, yeah, I'll take it tho.
MEGHAN: sure (hands breadstick over)
XMASTIME: so what're those things, pork medallions?
MEGHAN: yes.
XMASTIME: funny name for a food, ain't it? "Medallions." Like they're fucking medals or something, you know?
MEGHAN: I don't really know
XMASTIME: "Hey, you ordered the pork, here's a fucking medal!", right?
MEGHAN: I guess.
XMASTIME: Ha! Fucking a...so you grew up in Arizona?
MEGHAN: That's right. Phoenix.
XMASTIME: ugh. I'd hate it there; it's always like 200 fuckin degrees, right?
MEGHAN: it's hot.
XMASTIME: you must sweat like a lunatic down there, huh? Jesus. I'd look like a water fountain that blew up, I'd sweat so much. I mean, I'm pretty fucking sweaty right now, and it's not even that hot, you know?
MEGHAN: well, it's a dry heat there
XMASTIME: ugh. Not once I show up. No thanks. Hey, if we get hitched, we ain't spending Christmas in AZ, know what I'm saying? (laughs)
MEGHAN: that won't be a problem.
XMASTIME: fucking drenched in sweat...I'd be covered in baby powder and Old Spice body spray, you know.
MEGHAN: um
XMASTIME: anyways...so, your grandfather running for president, that must've been exciting, huh?
MEGHAN: you mean my father.
XMASTIME: what the...he's your dad? Are you shitting me?
MEGHAN: that's right.
XMASTIME: no shit?
MEGHAN: no.
XMASTIME: no shit?
MEGHAN: -
XMASTIME: jesus christ...and you're what, 30, 32?
MEGHAN: 24
XMASTIME: fucking a, so when you were born he was, let's see.....61?
MEGHAN: 47
XMASTIME: oh my god. yeesh.
MEGHAN: well.
XMASTIME: are you worried he's gonna die soon?
MEGHAN: what??!!
XMASTIME: no pork medallions where he's going (shakes head somberly)
MEGHAN: I-I'm going to the bathroom
XMASTIME: (grabbing her arm) You don't have to do that...
MEGHAN: what-(yanking arm away)
XMASTIME: you look good with a few extra pounds on you!
MEGHAN: (speeding away)
XMASTIME: sticking a finger down your throat isn't the answer! (shouting after her now) hey, those medallions weren't free!

She never came back to the table; she must've gotten sick or something. After waiting 40 minutes I texted her "that's a hell of a dump!", but she never texted back. Anyway, I put in a call for a second date, hopefully she'll be feeling better. Looking at the transcript it's hard to say what she's been doing wrong on these dates, but maybe it's just nerves. We'll see.