Whack.

A lady friend of mine last night (heh heh heh) mentioned she and a friend had queried each other (heh heh heh) as to what the most universal term for a woman pleasuring herself was, and they both were surprised to find they didn't think there was one.  While jerking off/jacking off/beating off/Abusing the wicked stick/Adjusting the antenna/Aiding and abetting a known felon/Applying the hand brake/Arguing with Henry Longfellow/Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel/Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior/Audition your hand puppet/Backstroke roulette/Badgering the witness/Barking up the wrong tree/Bash the candle/Basting the ham/Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger/Being rough with the sex stick/Be your own best friend/Beat the bishop/Beat the bologna/Beat the dummy/Beat the meat/Beat the pud/Beat the stick/Beat up your date/Beef tips stroking off/Bleed the weed/Blow your own horn/Bludgeon the beefsteak/Bop the bologna/Bop the bonzo/Box the Jesuit/Box with Richard/Brushing up on your typing skills/Buff the banana/Bugger your hand/Building upper-body strength/Burp the baby/Burp the worm/Butter the corn/Calling down for more mayo/Calling in the secret service/Caning the vandal/Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile/Charm the snake/Check for testicular cancer/Cheese off/Choke Kojak/Choke the chicken/Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come/Clamp the pipe/Clean your rifle/Cleaning out your account/Clear the snorkel/Climb the tree/Closet Frisbee/Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally/Combing your hair/Communing with nature/Consulting with your silent partner/Corral your tadpole/Couch hockey for one/Crank the love pump/Crank the shank/Crimp the wire/Crown the king/Crushing pop cans in the dark/Cuddle the kielbasa/Cuff the carrot/Daisy-chaining/Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath/Dancing with the one-eyed sailor/Date Miss Michigan/Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters/Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters/Debugging the hard drive/Defrosting the fridge/Digital penile oscillation/Discovering your own potential/Distributing free literature/Do handiwork/Do it your way/Do the janitor thing/Do the white knuckler/Doing your homework/Drain the monster/Dry humping the ottoman/Eating grapes with the one-armed man/Electing the President/Engage in safe sex/Exercise one's right/Exercising your right to privacy/Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love/Feed the ducks/Feeding bologna to the Smurfs/Feeling your way around/Fiddle the flesh flute/Firing the pound gun/Fishing with dynamite/Fist your mister/Five knuckle shuffle/Flick your Bic/Fling your phallus/Flip the bishop/Flipping your omelet/Flog the bishop/Flog the dolphin/Flog the dong/Flog the log/Flog the mule/Flogging the egg man/Fly fishing/Fondle your flagpole/Free Willy/Frost the pastries/Frosting your maple bar/Frying up the corndog/Gallop the old lizard/Gardening with the golden trowel/Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion/Get a date with Slick Mittens/Get the German soldier marching/Get to know yourself/Get your pole varnished/Give it a tug/Give your low five/Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money/Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh/Go blind/Go on a date with Fisty Palmer/Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela/Go the blow/Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head/Goose the gherkin/Grease the pipe/Greasing the three-legged cow/Hand job/Hard labor/Have one off the wrist/Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college/Hitchhike to heaven/Hitchhike underneath the big top/Hitting too close to home/Hoisting your own petard/Hold the bishop/Hold the sausage hostage/Holding your own/Hone the cone/Honk your horn/Hosing down the driveway/Hotfooting it to the nearest exit/Hug the hog/Hump your hose/Investing in pork bellies/Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell/Jack hammer/Jazz yourself/Jerk Jamby/Jerk the gherkin/Left to your own devices/Letting the cat out of the bag/Liquidating the inventory/Locking the bathroom door/Look for ticks/Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne/Lope the mule/Love the Muppet/Love's labors lost/Lubricating the love monkey/Make a foreskin cone/Make instant pudding/Make the bald man puke/Making a cash withdrawal/Making chowder with sailor Ned/Making it up as you go along/Making magic with leftovers/Making soup/Making the bald man cry/Making the bread rise/Making the world safe for democracy/Mangle the midget/Manipulate the mango/Manual labor/Manual override/Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock/Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters/Milk the lizard/Milk the moose/Milk the self/Mount a corporal and four/Much goo about nothing/Nerk your throbber/Null the void/Oil the glove/Onan's olympics/One gun salute/One man band/One-night-stand with yourself/Opening the flood gates/Pack your palm/Paddle the pickle/Paint the ceiling/Paint the pickle/Painting the flag pole/Painting the picket fence/Palm the calm/Paying at the turnpike/Peel the banana/Perform diagnostics on your man tool/Pet the lizard/Pip the pumpkin/Play a little five-on-one/Play a one-stringed guitar/Play five against one/Play in a one-man show/Play peek-a-boo/Play pocket pinball/Play pocket pool/Play tag with the pink torpedo/Play the skin flute/Play tug-o-war with Cyclops/Play Uno/Playing it safe/Playing the one-stringed melody/Playing the single-string air guitar/Plugging in the toaster/Plunk your twanger/Polish Percy in your palm/Polish the family jewels/Polish the helmet/Polish the rocket/Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter/Polish the sword/Pound off/Pound the bald-headed moose/Pound the pud/Pound your flounder/Pounding the fence post/Prepare the carrot/Prime the pump/Pull rank/Pull the bologna pony/Pull the carrot/Pull the goalie/Pull the pole/Pull the Pope/Pull the pud/Pull your own leg/Pull your taffy/Pulling your own weight/Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap/Pump the python/Pump the stump/Punch the clown/Punch the munchkin/Punish Percy in your palm/Putting your best foot forward/Putting your foot down/Putting your thumb in the porridge/Raining on your parade/Ram the ham/Relishing your hot dog/Riding the five-legged pony/Roll your own/Rolling it off the lot/Romeo and himself/Rope the pony/Rope the Pope/Rub one out/Rub the pink eraser/Rubbing Buddha's tummy/Run off a batch by hand/Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights/Safest sex/Sailing the mayonnaise seas/Saluting the general/Sampling the secret sauce/Sand wood/Scour the tower of power/Scraping the bottom of the barrel/Scratch the itch/Screwing your courage to the sticking place/Secret handshake/Self abuse/Self-induced penile regurgitation/Sex with someone you really love/Shake hands with Abe Lincoln/Shake hands with the midget/Shake hands with the unemployed/Shake hands with your John Thomas/Shake hands with your wife's best friend/Shake hands with Yul Brynner/Shake the sauce/Shake the sausage/Shake the snake/Shaking hands with Dr. Winky/Shellac the shillelagh/Shemp the hog/Shift gears/Shine the helmet/Shine your pole/Shoot for the moon/Shoot putty at the moon/Shoot the airplane/Shooting yourself in the foot/Shuck your corn/Sizing things up/Slam the ham/Slam the salami/Slam the salmon/Slam the Spam/Slap high fives with Yul Brynner/Slap it/Slap pappy/Slap the carrot/Slap the clown/Slap the donkey/Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol/Slap the salami/Slapping Johnny on the back/Sling the jelly/Smack the salami/Smiting the pink knight/Snap the monkey/Snap the rubber/Snap the whip/Solo flight/Solo marathon/Solo sex/Spank Elvis/Spank the bishop/Spank the frank/Spank the monkey/Spank the salami/Spank the wank/Spanking the rooster/Spending your Christmas bonus/Squeeze the cheese/Squeeze the juice/Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube/Squeeze your cheese-dog/Squeezing the happy lumberjack/Stewing in your own juices/Stinky pinky/Stir the batter/Stir the yogurt/Strain the main vein/Straining your cabbage/Stretching the truth/Strip-mining with the spaghetti man/Stroke the carrot/Stroke the mole/Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko/Stroke the satin-headed serpent/Stroke your poker/Stroke your Twinkie/Strumming the one-string harp/Take matters into your own hands/Take part in population control/Take the fifth/Take the monster for a one-armed ride/Taking a few practice shots/Taking a load off/Talk quietly to yourself/Tame the shrew/Taunt the one-eyed weasel/Teaching the Cyclops the lambada/Tease the weenie/Tenderize the tube steak/Tending to your own affairs/Test your batteries/That crazy hand jive/Thrash your thing/Thump the pump/Thump your thong/Tickle the ivory/Tickle the pickle/Tickle the taco/Ticklewigglejigglepickle/Tipping off the inspector/Toss the snag/Toss the turkey/Toss yogurt/Tug the slug/Twang the wire/Tweak your Twinkie/Twist your crank/Unleashing the alabaster yak/Unloading the gun/Unpacking the moving van/Varnish the flagpole/Varnishing the banister/Visiting with Papa Smurf/Wake the dead/Walk the dog/Walk the plank/Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes/Wallowing in self pity/Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel/Wash the meat/Wax the Buick/Wax the carrot/Wax the dolphin/Waxin' n' Milkin'/Whack it/Whack the weasel/Whack Willy/Whip the dummy/Whip the one-eyed trouser snake/Whip the one-eyed worm/Whip the rat/Whip the stiff/Whip the wire/Whip up some sour cream/Whip your dripper/Whitewashing with Huck and Tom/Whittle the stick/Wiggling your walrus/Windsurf on Mount Baldy/Wonk your conker/Work things out/Working at your own speed/Working late at the office/Working up a foamy lather/Working without Annette/Wrestle the dragon/Wrestle the eel/Wrestling with the bald champ/Wring out your rope/Wrist aerobics/Yank the crank/Yank the yo-yo/Yank your plank  are all universally accepted and used terms for male masturbation, IS there one for females?  Please send in your suggestions.  Thanks!

THEME FOR THIS POST: Jackin' Off in the Office