The Sweet, Sweet Taste of Vindication

Up until today I had always laughed at dudes who spent 20 minutes stretching before they exercised. Fucking pussies, I’d laugh. Oh, we had stretching shit we’d do before football practice, but even then it was lunge here, lunge there, playing patty-cake with whomever you were teamed up with; who needed to stretch when your were 16 years old and your body was built out of testosterone, raw sinew and pine tar? Pretend to stretch, play a 3-hour football game, eat a 3-lb chocolate cake on the way to the Chinn Dome and gun the rock all night. Things were different back then. Now, I go outside to “jog.” I look at the clock on my phone – 6:45pm. Perfect, I’m thinking, I’ll knock out a few miles, back here by 7:30, go rustle up some trim. Look around quickly, and there’s always some faggot stretching against the wall. What a loser! I laugh at him then take off sprinting. - XMASTIME

And LOOKY COOKY, what do we have here:

15. Runners who stretch before running burn 5 percent fewer calories than runners who don't stretch.
Contrary to what trainers have told us for decades, pre-run stretching isn't helpful, according to one recent study, which also found that nonstretchers ran 3.4 percent farther than stretchers. "Stretching appears to acutely decrease muscle-force production capacity," its authors write, citing decreased leg-press performance, vertical jumping height, knee-extensor concentric torque, and maximum plantar flexion torque, which "remained depressed even 60 minutes after the stretching routine."

HA! Fuck you, stretch queers!

Of course, as usual the last laugh in the post was on me:

Next thing I know I’m on the ground, desperately trying to roll over so that I’m in the way of the oncoming bus I hear so I can be out of my misery. My hamstring is screaming like a bitch in heat, both of my calves have actually left my body, saying “fuck this shit!” and my shins have completely locked up on me. My heart is freaking out by the excitable activity, wondering “is he watching that fucking German porn again??!??!” I’m laying there, feeling as if my lungs are on fire. I don’t mean they’re hurting, I mean I’m now wondering if the laws of science allow for an actual fire to take place within the human body. The final ignominy comes when I slowly swing my phone in front of my eyes to see how much time has elapsed and it’s ..... still 6:45. christ.

Ah screw it: fuck yeeeeeeeeew, stretch queers!!!!!