Poppity-Pop

 You can’t fucking win when it comes to microwave popcorn. Wait to pull it out one nanosecond too late and everything gets burned to a crisp. Pull out too early, you’re left with a million uncooked kernels at the bottom of the bowl. Then you wonder for a second about trying to re-cook those kernels, but decide that maybe not having a job and sneezing into old socks instead of buying paper towels is white trash enough, thank you very much. Before you know it you’re desperately trying to time it, like in “Apollo 13” when they gotta try to perfectly line up with a star and shut the engines off at the exact perfect moment. Gimble-lock. Fuck it up, you skid off the top of the atmosphere and good-bye forever. It’s popcorn; do I need that much fucking pressure? Life’s not hard enough, now I gotta be Alan Shepard? - XMASTIME

If the popcorn turns into a heap of ashes because you've left it in the microwave for a nanosecond too long, how come the very first kernel that pops isn't incinerated after sitting in there for another minute while the rest pops? - XMASTIME

Back up off my nuts - THIS SQUIRREL

Without fail, every single time I hit the START button on the microwave after having put in a bag of popcorn, I realize I hafta piss, and in a panic "sprint" to the bathroom, praying I make it back before it's too late.  Now, not once have I come close, but it's an exciting 60-75 seconds.  Maybe...maybe too exciting.

Life.  It's really happening, isn't it?