Shit This Asshole Says

The guy whose Shit My Dad Says Twitter was made into a tv show that flopped had me feeling for him in this article wherein he laments having shows he's working on canceled but is still being grateful to even have had a chance to write them at all until I see that he's got a second book coming out entitled I Suck at Girls, " a trip through Halpern’s complete failures with the opposite sex."

What? Oh, fuck you.  You had your Twitter feed turn into a national best-selling book and then a tv show starring Captain fucking Kirk, and I'm supposed to feel bad or give a shit about you having a tough time picking up women?  I don't care if you were a virgin before your book and tv show; now you've won the fucking lottery and can have all the tail you want, so you've won.  Shut the fuck up. 

This is just like how we're supposed to give a shit if millionaires can get women:

What the fuck is this? "Oh boy, MORE rich guys getting all the girls! Hooraaaaaay, rich guys!!" What's the point of this...I'm sorry, but if you're a millionaire and you can't meet women, then you're a fucking idiot.

Wouldn't a show about poor dudes trying to date be a lot more interesting anyways? Give a guy $20 and a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese to try to have a successful first date squiring a girl? Let me guess what this show will have instead: rich dude flies girl to Paris for lunch and London for dinner. Buys her Delaware. Wow! What a guy! So hard for him, don't you find yourself rooting for the lil guy??!!

For fuck's sake, where's my goddam book or tv show; I could give you a sad sack that would turn your hair gray.  Grrrr.

Fictional, of course.

It's just like motherfuckers on game shows who already are rich:

3) I’m starting to notice a lot of game shows are played by people that already have money. It’s always “Hi I’m Roy, I own a string of hardware stores back east…” etc. It’s never “Hi I’m Eddie, they told me there were some cold cuts in the back…” Wouldn’t it be more exciting if only poor people were allowed on these shows? People whose lives could REALLY be changed by small amounts of cash – not these guys who keep going for the million bucks cause fuck it, what do they care if they lose, they already own Tulsa. But saying to a poor person hey, you can go for the million bucks, or walk out right now with $7,000 – well to me that’s drama. And you KNOW if this poor guy goes back home having blown a chance to get some money, any money at all, his family will pound on him till kingdom come. We could even have follow-up visits to the guy’s house a year later, where his family tries to be nice but the resentment drips like it’s from a faucet. “Here, have some rice n beans…oh no, it’s not Rice a Roni…you know, some people just can’t afford the name brands…isn’t that right, Captain Asshole?” (icey glare at our hero, who gulps while pretending not to notice)

Might try to set a record for self-linking today, btw.