Weddingz

Another thing that needs to change about weddings is the rehearsals. How worthless are these things? Like car alarms, or women, right? It's basically 30 minutes of laughing followed immediately by "does anybody know what the hell we're supposed to do?" In other words, exactly like sex.

But what's funny is that for such a pomp-and-circumstance occasion, the people that run things never seem to give a shit. You're led to believe that if you make a misstep you'll completely ruin two peoples' (at least) lives, yet after running you through things, the coordinator always just shrugs "don't worry about it, you'll figure it out." I guess I don't like the wishy washiness - either fucking drill us like we're the Arlington Color Guard, or just tell us to show up and do whatever the fuck we want. For fuck's sake, there's more order and decisiveness in ordering a cheesesteak from Pat's than a wedding. - XMASTIME

Three years ago today Ryan, illWill and I went to McDonalds, 7-11 (scratch tix, natch) and the liquor store and then Ryan got married, after which I gave what is historically credited as the single greatest best man speech ever, including somehow insulting an ex-girlfriend such that she stomped out of the room.  Ah, memories! 

The recap:

Number of hours from start of wedding til my best man toast (ie could start drinking): 7
Number of times before speech I was advised to "say something nice about the bride" and "don't work blue"; as if it was assumed I'd recite my thesis on "Why Do Squirrels Fist?" before drop-kicking the mic into the bride's throat: 2,188
Number of big laughs from crowd during speech: 8
Number of big "awwwwwwwww"s from crowd during speech: 2
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced: 1
Number of my ex-girlfriends I referenced who was present: 1
Number of Bridesmaids I'd marry today if they'd have me: 3
Number of Bridesmaids I'll prolly ever speak to again: 0
Number of times I pretended to have a gout flare-up to get out of dancing: 4
Number of times I remarked "boy, this place, looks like we're on the Titanic": 6
Number of times I followed up with "I'm the king of the world": 2
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Number of bridesmaids I told looked like Kate Winslet and, upon getting nowhere with this, added that she also looked like Kim Kardashian: 1
Number of bridesmaids that were flattered by this: 0
Percentage of speech during which I debated whether or not to pretend to get choked up, melting the ladies' hearts throughout the room and greasing the skids for some post-reception "tenderness": 100
Number of times I choked up: 0
Post-reception tenderness: 0