First of all, to the smoking hot chick in the yellow sweater: I'm sorry if I came on too strong, but wouldn't this be a great story for our grandchildren? "I was walking back from the Blessed Sacrament of Communion, trying to have a private moment with God, when your grandfather practically tractor-beamed me with a Jedi-Mind Trick, pulling me in with a stare that normally gets people arrested...one Missed Connections post in Craigslist later, and here we are...is he staring at me? Really? Sigh."
See you next week, baby - same time, same pew, same death stare!! (Hopefully the same sweater, nom nom nom!) :)
Secondly: if I'm gonna wear jeans and STILL be the best dressed motherfucker there, the Catholic Church is n trouble. I mean, come the fuck on, guys. I haven't seen this many track suits since...well, two weeks ago in church. For fuck's sake.
Thirdly: Dude who did the readings. Motherfucker. This was not your King Lear performance; Simon Cowell was not in the front row judging your performance, so you don't hafta drag the shit out for twenty minutes with long, dramatic pauses. Nobody from the diocese is sending scouts around to see if you're ready for The Show. Just read the shit and let Father Mike get the mic back alfuckingready. There's a reason George or Ringo mostly got one song an album, for fuck's sake.
Fourthly: last person's entering time: 1:06....for a Mass that started at 12:30. You are a ballsy mofo. Cap doffed.
Finally, two weeks ago I was pleasantly surprised with the paucity of music throughout the service, leaving more time for more quiet reflection, which I 1) liked better than the usual crappy music 2) partly assumed was because Catholics suck at singing. During the homily today, Father Mike mentioned they'd made a conscious decision to have less music, which I greatly applaud. I've never been a fan of the whole "let's mumble along to some words in front of us that don't mean anything to us cause we're just mumbling them cause we hafta" nonsense. Nor have I ever been impressed by the "sing loud so God can hear!" mumbo-jumbo, or any theatrics/histrionics. If you believe in God, why on Earth would you believe any of this leaves more of an impression than any personal contemplation? Do you think God's humming along to some chick belting it out in Dallas, and then's like "whoa whao, what's this noise coming outta Brooklyn??!" Of course not. You're in a church, for probably the ONLY time all week you have no distractions and are forced to do nothing BUT sit quietly and think for a while, which I believe is the best thing you can do in such a situation, particularly since most people mail in the singing anyway; certainly it's much better than simply plowing through a buncha words you won't think twice about the second you've put the Hymnal back on the pew. Kudos to Our Lady of Carmel!
Although I will sing for some Duffys biscuits, you know that.
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