I HATE YOU PEOPLE!!!

It's almost 10pm and it's only NOW I find out it's National Cleavage Day???  Wtf?

Sigh.

Anyway, here's my life in breasts.

March 2, 1985: Danielle _______ lifts up her shirt, lifts up her bra, and showed us her titties on the back of the bus. Therein I saw my first naked tit up close. Got a nice squeeze in what would become a daily ritual. And yes, she turned out to be a slut in high school (but hot!)

October 11, 1987: slapped by my friend Kristie after grabbing her titty in the hallway. First titty lesson learnt; was worth it.

February 2, 1988: Lora ________ every day for a week while we watched some series of films in English class let me feel her up the whole time. Learned another lesson: was told “you shouldn’t ask, just do it” to the question of “can I go inside your bra?” Later applied that same answer when asking myself "bareback in the shitter?

April 15, 1989: after a young lifetime of being terrified by clumsy dudes in movies/tv and hearing horror stories et al re: getting a girl's bra off, was relieved to see that my first girlfriend had a bra that easily opened from the front. Lil hook, open. Could yell at it and it would open. Unfortunately, she had no titties in the first place. A Pyrrhic victory, at best. Slip into the hen house, no hens.

June 10, 1992: hooked up with a lunatic hot chick while visiting my brother at college. First but not the last time I uttered the phrase "yeah well, he ain't here, now is he?" Next morning she woke up to find I had hidden her clothes so I could see her naked longer. “Where are my clothes?” “Gosh, I dunno” (looking bewildered.) Broads - I should write a manual!!!

February 15, 1993: first hookup with college girlfriend, who had huge tits. Her bras were such contraptions, such textile engineering miracles that I never even bothered learning how to unhook this thing for two years. I’d watch a back-to-back of “Who’s the Boss” while I waited for her to disengage. Took a goddam Color Guard to put one of those things away.

January 24, 2002: girl I was madly in love with at the time decided to get fake titties. I'm sorry, "breast augmentation." Not only did she not reciprocate my feelings, but, just to make sure that I understood clearly that she didn't view me as a person with a penis, and since I was her closest! bestest! girlfriend, she asked me to be the one to take a Polaroid to send to the doctor doing the surgery. So...I had to stand there and snap pictures of the fruit I ached to taste, all to get her bigger tits to attract...other men. Christ. Why didn't I just bring in other dudes and fluff them for her too? No dignity, table for one please.

April 4, 2002: finally got up in them fake titties. Loved every second of 'em.