Weddings

JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".

GEORGE: (Interested) I should!

JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.

GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!

THIS WOMAN HERE details the weddings she's gone to, foolishly thinking there's anything in there remotely as interesting as hooking up with a widow four decades my senior. Sigh. Oh dear, sweet, naive girl:

I wore the same blue strapless J.Crew dress that all the bridesmaids wore. On the night of the wedding the bride, who was violently allergic to peanuts, ate a piece of pie not knowing it had peanuts in the crust, and had to be rushed to the hospital. I cried, and everyone said, “Thank goodness they’re doctors!”

I mean, really? Try

And just to make sure my ineveitable whiskey-dick wasn’t enough to speed my amazing plummet past the depths of loserdom no man should ever face in his lifetime I saw to it that someone took PLEEEENTY of pictures of my running around the parking lot with a chocolate cake and smearing it all over my naked body. Woke up the next morning naked save my penny loafers.

Please, a little respect. For I am Xmastime, Lord of the Wedding Idiots.