Facebook Roundup

Most of you people aren't my Facebook friends because  you have lives to live, for the love of god  you suck, so here's a wrap-up of my latest gems. You're welcome, Earth. 

Thank god the wizards in the Doritos lab are still working on new flavors, since they didnt nail it the first time.

The question isn't whether or not I'll ever find my true love, the question is if she'll be fine with my thirst for the perfect harmony of true love and companionship. Well, and other women.

I wanna get married so I can get divorced and tell my kids "and yes, it IS because of you!!"

If a cop pulls you over for texting, you should be able to get out of it if the text is particularly awesome.

I've apparently stumped Bills Barbecue by asking for something called a "barbecue sandwich."

Elvis died 35 years ago today. "One less pretty boy to compete with," I remember thinking....

So we can land a rover with an accuracy of 1.5 miles on a planet 150,000,000 miles away, but we still hafta hope for the best when we pull the bag of popcorn out of the microwave. Grrrr.

I like this Stars Earn Stripes show. "hey, let's show the world that the fat guy from N'Sync can pretty much do what our Navy Seals can." Yes. Very comforting.

I feel like cookies should be called bakies. But what the hell do I know, I only finished 2nd place in the 1979 Easter Egg Coloring Contest, so why listen to me.

I don't like Miley Cyrus' new haircut. Oh for f-cks sake listen to me, I'm turning into my dad. Grrrr.

Can someone explain to me why there's no "Real Housewives of Orange County Jail"?