Live-blogging Romney's speech

9:07pm: Am I early?
9:10pm: Does every Republican speaker have a "my parents were immigrants, and if you vote for me I'll stamp out immigrants!" story? Do I even hafta plug in a "my parents were chickens, and you better vote for the Colonel" bit here?
9:11pm: I don't know who this speaker is, but if it's not Manny from Modern Family I'm gonna be disappointed
9:14pm: Did I miss the big speech? Hall is empty; it's like when Bruce plays Marys Place. Piss break!
9:16pm: I haven't seen this much disinterest in a speech from a kinda-hot blonde chick since the last time I was on a plane about to take off.
9:17pm: Apparently, Romney abolished cronyism...in Boston. Right. In other news, cheese steaks have been abolished in Philly. Cough.
9:22pm:  black woman democrat is now onstage to talk about Romney.
9:22:12:pm: She's never heard of him.
9:23pm: Hiyoooo!  ;)
9:32pm: Sally Strothers at the podium. Feels like a reach.
9:36pm: Wow a U-S-A chant has broken out!  Take THAT, Obama!!!
9:38pm: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....Mike Eruzione is on Team Romney? That sucks...like finding out the Tooth Fairy works for the IRS. Ugh.
9:39pm: I'll be honest - Mitt having Mike Eruzione speaking blows me away. Goddamimt.
9:40pm: Hey, surprise, he's a limp, shitty speaker. Christ, can speaking for Mitt Romney make the "Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllle!" guy fucking mail it in? Wow.
9:41pm:  I don't think I've seen a group of speakers give less of a shit about someone they're talking about since I saw 12 Angry Men.
9:45pm: Oh good, an Olympic athlete from Utah talking about 9/11. Of course. Reminds me of those housewives in Thailand talking about landing on Omaha Beach that grisly day in 1944. Bout as plausible as some American talking about Jesus dying, I reckon.
9:47pm:  ATTN JEFFREY BROWN FROM PBS: It's not "Mike Agroochi-ani"!!! It's fucking Mike Eruzione! Fucking asshole. Fuck you.
9:50pm:  Ten minutes til' Mitt Romney comes onstage. I haven't seen this much excitement since the other day when they were breaking out the new fries at Mickey D's. Seriously, we were all up on the balls of our feet for that one. And now, thanks tho Mitt, and Amerian Exceptionalism, it's like I'm right back there again. You know, at McDonalds. In line, by the cash register.
9:52pm:  VIDEO OF ROMNEY!
9:55pm:  Missed the video so far; in my defense, the scene in Empire Records when Coyote Shivers rocks Sugar High was on, so. I don't think there's a jury in the land that will convict me, suckahs!
9:57pm: We seem to be going through their romance...
9:58pm:  ...back in the 1960s...
9:58pm:  Well, they loved each other, and their kids were a "handful." Sounds like SOMEone's qualified to be president of the United States of America!!
9:59pm:  Ohoh...here comes the vid of his dad, George Romney...who came from Mexico...in other words, Mitt Romney would not exist in a parallel world, since as president he woulda told George Romney to go back to Mexico!
9:59pm:  Theme of this film seems to be "Mitt is one cheap fuck...really, really chinsy!" That's great. In other words, every one of our grandfathers who ever insisted we turn the fucking heat down should of course be elected to rule the free world. Of course.
10:00pm:  Before we start, I'll say this: I don't hate Mitt Romney like I did that piece of shit John McCain. Romney sucks, but he's inconsequential.
10:02pm:  Clint Eastwood!! Surprise speaker!! As in, I'm surprised he's still alive!
10:08pm:  Why is Boo Radley onstage talking?
10:09pm:  Clint's talking to an empty chair. Seems fitting.
10:10pm:  i seriously can't wait for the Onion headlines that will come from having a skeleton talk before Romney
10:10pm:  Clint saying "maybe it's time for a businessman to take over" makes people jump out of their seats, applauding...I guess they forgot about George W. Bush's "Business Degree from Harvard." That went well, didn't it?
10:14pm: I'll be honest - Clint Eastwood was worse than I ever coulda wished for. Wow.
10:14pm: Marco Rubio's up!
10:15pm: He's making Cheech & Chong jokes!  Yes!
10:18pm: Marco Rubio's a snooze so far...Grandpa's life sucked, mine is awesome. Yada fucking yada. Just once I'd like to hear "my grandfather had a shitload of money and then I fucked it up, no reason." Right?
10:19pm: "THESE United States" is only a phrase desperate candidates make, n'est-pas?
10:21pm:Why is Rudy talking at the RNC?
10:23pm: Jesus...this is the most boring Latino motherfucker since Taco Bell. I mean, come the fuck on dude.
10:25pm: Rubio is like a black guy that can't dance, or a white guy that can't calculate a restaurant tip to exactly 12%. No fucking heat, no feel. Nothing.
10:27pm: His mother was this, his grandfather was that...how great would it be for a speaker to keep going, back like 20 generations? "...he was alchemist, his father was an alchemist, he had an uncle who was a falconer...I think his brother did witchcraft...""
10:30pm: After 20 minutes of immigrants succeeding, Rubio just said to the crowd "that's your story!", to which the crowd replied "um, like no, it's not..."
10:31pm: Rubio: "Tomorrow is better than yesterday!"...doesn't that seem impossible to prove? Even remotely?
10:33pm:FINALLY! President Romney...what the fuck is that song that's playing as he shakes hands with a bunch of corpses? wtf?
10:35pm: This is depressing..."Romney trying to make his way through the enthusiastic crowd....okay, he's though...that was it."
10:36pm: Romney's onstage!! It's like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan!
10:37pm: Well, not THOSE Beatles! On THAT Ed Sullivan Show!
10:38pm: He couldn't make it 6 seconds without mentioning his boyfriend Paul Ryan? Really? Hey, Mitt - we see him wearing your letter jacket already!! We get it!
10:39pm: That which unites us is stronger than that which divides us, and America is a land of opportunity. Got it.
10:40pm: Shit, he's still talking? I thought that was it?
10:42pm: USA! USA! USA! filling the crowd.  Mitt, ever the man of the people, quickly cuts them off to continue with his dull fucking speech. Wow. Quite a player.
10:43pm: He keeps barking "we deserve better!", but doesn't really say how/why.
10:45pm: Using Neil Armstrong's death for applause is a really cheap fucking shot. Fuck you - if it were up to you, NASA woulda been cut and we wouldn't have made it to the fucking moon. Fuck you - I sleep well tonight knowing Neil Armstrong would be horrified to think of you as President.
10:48pm: Here we go with his youth zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
10:49pm: Cute story about how his father gave his mother a red rose every day, except for the fact that most Americans simply can't afford to do that.
10:49pm: Are we really hearing the "how the young Romneys made it as youngsters, overcoming the incredible odds of absurd wealth and affluence" story? Wow.
10:55pm: This is embarrassing to watch. I've seen more excitement from water-logged Band-Aids I've pulled off...
10:55pm: HERE we go, Mitt as an investor!  Bain Cpaital!  Much more interesting than his family bs!
10:56pm: As for Bain Capital, again, how they somehow transcended family money and connections is amazing. Take a bow, boys. You'r efucking amazing.
10:59pm: Succeeding is about dreams, which Obama doensn't get, but Romney does....along with Steve Jobs, who might as well be giving this speech.
10:59pm: Jimmy Carter joke ZZZZING!!! Wow!  Say, Mitt, why not ask the crowd "why don't they use the black box on the plane??!?!?!"
11:01pm: "Finally, we can restore America", according to Mitt...no Injuns, niggers are enslaved, and bitches best shut the fuck up!  USA! USA! USA!
11:04pm: Sorry, got a beer and took a piss, what'd I miss?
11:04pm: Oh, gee, whaddya know: no regulations, no taxes, and replacing that most fascist of fascisms, Obamacare. Got it. I'm caught up.
11:09pm: He's whipping the crowd up now, reminding us that while he wants a jobs tour, Obama went on an apology tour. To, you know...somebody, I guess. (Craig? Jerrry?)
11:10pm: FINALLY, some backbone against Russia! Thank you, Mitt! Because in all of our history, we've never stood up to, you know, the Soviet Union! Wow!  You're AWESOME!!!!
11:11pm: Jesus, I'm reallly trying hard to stay awake.
11:14pm:  Christ, it's like he has TWO baby arms