From a bartender on how to behave
on an online date:
1. If you arrive first, try not to primp too much while you wait.
You already did this at home. You already did this on the way there: in
the reflection of subway window or in a rearview mirror or in your
office bathroom. In particular, the barroom mirror is a woman’s curse.
Most men can refrain from looking but women are seemingly mesmerized.
Usually there are a lot of adjustments. Hair is fluffed, a duckbill pout
emerges. Eyes grow larger, sultrier. The vibe is murderous yet
intelligent. Or simply put: fucking nuts.
I, of course, believe that a playah's primoing never ends. But hey.
...it was time to drop Chuck off so I could head home for my primping. Of course by “primping” I meant shit, shower, and shave quickly enough to be able to take a car service and arrive at the restaurant thirty minutes early so I’d have time to stop sweating, eventually cool down, remove my sweaty t-shirt in the bathroom, throw it away, apply a fresh coat of deodorant, throw away the deodorant and then put on a fresh t-shurt, all so that when Josalyn came through the door I’d be fresh, cool, and not breathing as if I’d just run five miles through a headwind. Being fat and poor left not only no margin for error, but no margin for anything other than a fucking miracle.
I thought about pulling the “stay just around the corner” trick so I could see when she got to the restaurant and then breeze in about one minute later, therein looking (and smelling) as if the trip from my apartment had been no big deal - not a drop of sweat, not a heaving breath. Cool as ice, just another date on a Saturday night for me.
Fuck that, I should be happy enough I had a date with a real woman; there was no need to push it. It was just dinner, I wasn’t trying to win a goddam Oscar.
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