Xmastime Classixxx

GRANDMA HATES YOU

Some old lady who is a state Senator in Oklahoma has taken time out from...whatever it is Oklahoma does when it's not the college football season...to blame the bad economy on the gay people. Hey, that makes perfect sense to me - nothing quite spurred the underwriting of shitty mortgages and risky lending quite like the furor over dudes kissing, did it? And THANK YOU FAGS for costing us $15B/mo. in Iraq!!! Hey, we were ALL pissed!!!!

But what bothers me here is Grandma wrongfully saying that the US is a "world leader" in, to quote, "abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery." Hey look, we're Americans - there's nothing we like hearing more than empty rhetoric from really, really old people who were voted in by 2,000 people at some Tupperware party in OK - we LOVE to hear about how great we are in leading the world in EVERYTHING!!!!!

But before she starts jumping on the Teletype machine with her big foam "We're #!" finger, Grandma needs to know the facts - the point is, apparently we don't even lead the world in most of this shit.

Abortion? Please - we're fucking behind the Russians by 1.5 million abortions a year. That would be the equivalent of Brooklyn getting aborted by the Russians while we stood around diddling our thumbs. 1.5M? REALLY? I mean, are we even fucking TRYING? 

Pornography sold: 12th...behind Canada??!?! First they get their own bacon, now this? I mean, how many tapes can Pam Anderson fucking put out? Slovakia prolly ain't even a real country, but they STILL kick our fucking asses in porn. Unreal. Seriously, people - I can't do this myself. Well. Actually, I guess technically I do...3 times a day; 4 if I can't sleep. But camon, America!!!!!! 

Same Sex Marriage - 8th. 8th. Behind Belgium. Belgium! Hey, I once married a guy in Belgium. Oh wait, I'm lying. Cause as far as we know, Belgium isn't even a real country - they make waffles and film Ricola commercials there; yet we STILL can't marry off enough fags together to beat them. Unreal. As our second president Ben Franklin once said "seriously, we're WAY faggier than fucking Belgium, right lads?" 

Sex Trafficking - We're at least in the discussion here, 293K out of 800K cases of sex trafficking taking place in the USA. Though with those numbers I feel like we've pinned all our hopes on sex trafficking while hanging ourselves out to dry re: abortion, porn etc. I'm reminded of the college football coach who, upon reviewing his player's report card that had 4 F's and one D, remarked "looks like you're spending too much time on one subject." 

Divorce - finally, a winner! We lead the world!!! Thank you, Newt Gingrich.
Illegitimate Births - We're not even close to being in the top 10 with this one - tho to be fair to ourselves, Shawn Kemp is way old and doesn't really get around the country like he did 15-20 years ago.

Hey, camon America, let's get our asses in gear. Next thing you know we'll be losing our global leads in date rape and 9 year-old beauty queen molestation/murders. Let's pound that collective Red Bull, get off our asses and show the fucking world what we can really fucking do - THEN we can focus on driving our economy into the ground because Grandma says Jesus doesn't like us!! Til then, I'd say Jesus is barely even paying attention to us...and that makes me sad :(