Wednesday, August 07, 2013

The Waltons are Dicks

We like to think of people like The Waltons as humble, aw-shucks folk who are just happy to have their tiny bit of the planet to themselves, without bothering anybody else.  Despite, of course, Grandma Walton being one of the 2 most despicable characters in tv history. Oh yeah, and they're fucking judgmental assholes. Meanwhile, here's the summary of an episode right now, The Star:

When a meteorite falls through the Baldwin sisters' roof, it has strange effects on the people of Walton's Mountain; the sisters are convinced by their cousin Polonius that the star is a sign from their father saying that they should stop making "the recipe", while Grandpa believes he is going to die soon. 
What? First of all, how nice it must be to think the Universe LITERALLY revolves around you.  Yes, if your dead father for some reason wants you to quit making booze in your bathtub then surely, instead of a simple, clear way - such as, say, writing a note 'THIS IS YOUR DEAD FATHER. ENOUGH WITH THE BOOZE. AND YES, I CAN SEE YOU MASTURBATE" - he'll take a star from the sky and hurl it onto your house. Yes, of course. Makes total sense.

As for Grandpa, his feeling of place in the Universe ("Jesus was born under such a star, so obviously I'll die under the same one, since we're basically the same: God") is rather incredibly kicked up to the next level by inexplicably thinking of the meteorite landing on the Baldwin sisters' house not as a sign that one of THEM would die, but him.  Hey, old man: HELLO!!!  - those drunk bitches are just as old as your wrinkled ass, genius! You're not the only old-as-the-hills motherfucker out there pissing dust, asshole!

Fucking hell. The ego on these old fucks.

"Do deez nutz, beyotch!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Polonius? I think it is completely plausible that God as you know Him, would permit, okay, HURL a meteor into the home of the Baldwin sisters. Why not? I am not sure if the point would be to warn the inhabitants about their illegal recipe or to cause them to cease and desist, but either way, getting old man Walton to face his own imminent demise is akin to almost killing 2 birds or maybe three with one stone.