Sniffy's Back!

Because there is a God and he absolutely loves me, Sarah Palin is getting another tv show.

Sigh.

Heart.

I will now wow you with some of my quotes from the steaming turd she dropped on TLC a few years ago. You're welcome.

- My favorite might be when Sniffs busts Piper cheating on her times tables by using a calculator. She barks at her "that's cheating, you can't do that!" Piper just kinda shrugs her shoulders at her, and Sniffy goes back to clicking away at her blackberry, presumably tweeting away to her Prayer Warriors that she's about to buy a new gun and blow away some stupid fucking bears. Mama Grizzly puts her kids first, but not enough to actually give a shit if her kid learns her times tables.

- One of the more interesting flat-out lies  things about the Sarah Palin Alaska show is she can't seem to go more than a few minutes without moaning "oh gee, why can't just stay here for the rest of our lives, enjoying the nature and tranquility?" Of course, the joke here is that SHE CAN. Besides the fact that anyone in America has the freedom to live where they choose, she has more than enough money to live like a fucking queen in Alaska until the mothership comes to get her. 

- But isn't it enough with the fucking fish? Christ, another fucking round of pounding and battering on the ol' tuna boat - what the fuck am I watching, The Best of John Holmes?

- The Palin girls are who we need to send over to, say, North Korea to scare Krazy Jong-il. They can just hang out in his bathroom and scare the shit out of him when he goes in it.  "So...Mr. Chink...I understand we have a problem?"  (puts her cigarette out on Willow's forehead, who stares at Jong-Il while smacking her palm with a wooden bat; behind Jong-il Piper locks the door.)

- My favorite line from tonight's episode of Sniff Your Enthusiasm is when Sniffy, Todd and Bristol are skeet-shooting, which Lil' Sniffs has never done before. So she's shooting without hitting a single one. Miss, miss, miss. All of a sudden Sniffy shouts out "oooh, close!" . . .What?...you really fucking telling me that you can see a fucking bullet that's about an inch long and traveling almost 1500mph? Really?  Cause I'll be honest - if that's true, you have my vote. Hell, maybe you fucking CAN see Russia from not only your house, but the fucking White House.

- TLC has basically laid out this tv series to give Sniffy free reign to control how the world sees her and her family, and yet in the editing room she didn't notice that when she made this remark to her son he looked like she had just cut one.  

- Sniffy spends a lot of time on her show every week claiming she deserves a medal because as THE Mama Grizzly, she'd rather her kids not get eaten by a bear. And so on this week's episode, what does she do? Takes 10 kids and puts them in a situation that they have to get training on what to do if a bear attacks them. Of course. If you love your kids so much, maybe you don't put them in situations in which they need to 1) learn how to shoot a rifle  2) know that the more noise they make, the less likely bears will swarm in and eat them.

-  I spent the last 40 minutes or so of last night's episode working myself up into a lather over the absurdity that we're supposed to believe that she's gone hunting with her dad a million times, that she makes trips to the Arctic Circle trio shoot caribou like the rest of us go to the store to buy socks, and yet she mysteriously had no idea whether or not her rifle had a kick. Also, she shot at least five times, and the caribou didn't move. Didn't budge. Didn't flinch. Not once. Now, I'm not a big game hunter so I have no idea how this shit works, but I would think that the incredibly loud crack of the rifle might startle an animal into thinking "shit, that sounds bad, I better get the fuck outta here" and not "sounds loud, I should probably stand here atop this hill preening like a fucking asshole." Strange.

Sigh. She's still Mrs. Xmastime. The shiny shirt, very thoughtful on her part. I appreciate the note to detail, baby.