Antonio from Wings, one of tv's all-time under-appreciated supporting characters, is on the right end of a suicide prevention hotline call. I don't think I've ever heard of a suicide prevention line. I don't think I know anyone who knows anyone who has ever heard of a suicide prevention line. Except, of course, for Brenda Walsh:
Watching this stupid episode of Beverly Hills, I realized what a great suicide line worker I’d be. I mean, who the hell else would you rather talk to when you wanna feel good about yourself?Damn, I used to be funny.
XMASTIME: Hotline, what’s your name?
CALLER: Hi, I'm…Brian.
XMASTIME: Hi Brian. How we doing?
CALLER: Not so good…not good at all…everything’s bad…
XMASTIME: Talk to me.
CALLER: Well. I haven’t hooked up with a girl in like 2 months.
XMASTIME: Really.
CALLER: Yeah…hey, this is anonymous, right? You know my name’s not really Brian, right? Cause I’m embarrassed.
XMASTIME: Brian, I haven’t gotten laid in three years.
CALLER: What the…what?
XMASTIME: That’s right. And she was a drunk Chinese slut, so lord knows what’ll happen to me.
CALLER: Oh my god. Three years?
XMASTIME: I lied, Brian. Five years.
CALLER: Jesus Christ. I’d freakin die.
XMASTIME:Well, not on the phone I hope.
CALLER: And it’s just that…my girlfriend, I dunno, Sometimes she bugs me. Wants to be with me all the time.
XMASTIME: Really. Hmm. Sounds tough.
CALLER: Right? Sometimes I just wanna hang out with the guys!
XMASTIME: How old are you Brian?
CALLER: 23.
XMASTIME: Okay. The last time I had a girlfriend, you were 10.
CALLER: What the…really?
XMASTIME: That’s right. Know what I’ve done every day and night since?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME:“Hung out with the guys.” Know what I’d like?
CALLER: What?
XMASTIME: Some chick who wants me to be with her all the time.
CALLER: Jesus. That’s right. You’re so right.
XMASTIME: How’s the job front going Bri?
CALLER: Oh, it’s okay. Boring; I’m in line for a promotion and raise, but sometimes I wonder if selling out for some big corporation is what I really wanna be doing.
XMASTIME: Hmm. Sounds rough.
CALLER: Dude. You don’t wanna know.
XMASTIME: Actually I would Bri. I don’t have a job. Matter of fact, as I’m on the phone with you I’m trying to see if I can string this suicide line job out to 8 lines on my resume.
CALLER: Really? Jesus.
XMASTIME:That’s right. What’s this, Wednesday?
CALLER: Uh huh.
XMASTIME: Cool. Wednesdays are the nights I extend my Prell shampoo with water.
CALLER: Oh my god.
XMASTIME: If I’m feeling randy enough, knock out broken glass/urine cleanup in my room.
CALLER: I…uh…
XMASTIME: That way I can spend tomorrow night wondering if I’m gonna drop dead from a heart attack.
CALLER: Ummm….
XMASTIME: Anyways, you were saying something about being despressed?
CALLER: Well, yeah, but…
XMASTIME: I’m listening.
CALLER: Hey, look…I gotta go, I’m gonna pop in and surprise my girl
XMASTIME: You sure? I got time to talk, Brian. Murder She Wrote isn’t on for another hour.
CALLER: oh, jesus. I’m…I’m gonna go. Thanks for your help…
XMASTIME:You got it Bri!
CALLER: Actually…thanks a LOT…
XMASTIME: Good luck, Brian.
CALLER: Thanks man,
XMASTIME: Keep me in mind if anything opens up at your office!
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