Part 1 of This Week's Downton Abbey Recap

- Edith, to the new pig guy: “Where did you learn about pigs?” Gee I dunno, dingbat, maybe he knows pigs because 1) he's a farmer and 2) it's 1922? I wish he’d answered “Pig school, graduated Magna Cum Pork.”

- I really hope Isobel takes a bat the Dowager’s head soon. This entire season has been a one-person roast of Isobel, and Violet is Jeffrey Ross.

- Baxter asks Molesley for the down-low on the Bates’, meaning she’s the only idiot more clueless than Molesley. I also have no idea how to spell Molesley, and have exactly zero interest in taking the 2.1 seconds to look it up…cause fuck him, that’s why.

- Who are these children? Oh that’s right, Mary and Branson both have kids. I haven’t seen a kid  disappear that quickly since my uncle came into town with his "ice cream truck"  hidden in a show this much since that loaf of bread in Party of Five. And yes, everybody want to be, closer to freeeeeeeeeeee!!!

- Anna just told Mary it was Mr. Green who serviced her affections after she announced her scent in the kitchen that time. (I’m sorry, but these people have made me hate them.)

- Can’t beat knowing your husband can snap into a homicidal maniac, can you? Imagine Bates if he was around for NFL Sundays and had a favorite team. He’d last about 3 plays into the season before the first domestic abuse call.

- I like Bates’ various canes hanging on the wall like a trophy case. “This one helped me walk in here for the first time, back in 1912. This one was in my hand when I was married to Anna. The rest I just use to beat the shit out of people ‘cause I’m a fucking loose cannon jackoff.”

- Poor Alfred, proposes to whatsherface just because she didn’t stick his head in the toilet bowl and give him a swirly when he showed up last time. This guy has lower expectations for himself than a chicken in Colonel Sanders' house.

- Mary: “We must rise to life’s challenges.” Yes, like being born into the reigning family of an entire village with vast wealth. You don’t want her problems; reminds me of a certain somebody:

About halfway through the season, some people were counting the Steelers out, Bush said.

"They said you didn't have a chance," Bush deadpanned. "I kind of know the feeling."

Cause yeah, if you’re born into an amazingly rich and powerful family, get into Yale even though you MIGHT be retarded, get handed a Major League Baseball team, have the keys to the White House while your dad is vice-president/president for 12 years, and then get handed the presidency even though you might not have actually won, I guess it’s natural to feel like the deck’s stacked against you. Poor guy.

- Rose hoping to piss off her mother by curing racism forever. Ambitious. I pissed my parents off by things like eating all the apples in an apple pie, so. Kind of the same thing?

- Moseley’s come-on to Baxter: “I’ve spent my whole life feeling fragile.” Hey, a player plays – next time through the kitchen, he can drop hints about his tiny dick and chronic bed-wetting. That shit's in the bag, dawg!

- Frightened to see what Branson’s new love-interest looks like without her stupid hat. Looks like a turkey with one of those pop-up thingees. (In other words, I’d totally do her.)

- Branson stole “Not that there’s anything wrong with it” from Seinfeld…almost 75 years before Seinfeld said it himself!! Is Branson a wizard?


- How many fucking times is Gillingham gonna “drop by” Downton? He’s been there almost as many weekends as Matthew during the Battle of the Somme, for fuck’s sake.

- HOW CREEPY WAS THAT EVIL CLOWN MAKEUP LOOK CORA GAVE WHEN SHE WAS LEAVING EDITH AND ROSEMOND!?!?!?!?!!?  Are you kidding me - no wonder they kids don’t come around, she scares the hell out of them.

- Hmmmm…Bates just happened to ask the guy who assaulted Anna “Where do you live?” Julian Fellowes, you slick bastard. I'm just surprised he didn’t have Bates ask “And if I was to Google Earth your house, what address would I look up? Uh huh, uh huh, interesting....(scribbling a note)...aaaaaaaaaaand what are your normal routines out and about the town? No reason, just asking. For a friend."

- Poor Ethan Napier. The 4th wheel. That should be a category in porn, “The Napier”: The sad sack that comes wandering into group sex scenes and never gets laid. Smiles the entire time and brings the sodas. “Hey guys!”

- What the hell is this, the lineup at the worst Bunny Ranch in the world?

- Of course it took exactly nothing for Violet to sniff out Edith’s pregnant. I hope when I’m 115 years I’m just as concerned with the day-to-day goings on of everybody around me.

- Mrs. Hughes: “(something something) for the village people.” Surely Fellowes inserted this as a goof, right? How great would it be if the camera panned the bazaar stalls and in one of them was an Indian, a police chief, a construction worker, Prancer, Donner & Blitzen?

 - They’re trying to set Isobel up with the guy from the Twisted Sister video?

- …who immediately asks how’s Matthew doing. Ah yes, the “cutting a fart in church” of conversation starters. Smooth move, dipshit – what else has Moseley taught you at his Macking 101 workshops?

- Mary tries to stop the Rose/Jack Ross marriage, and of course succeeds spectacularly:

“You can’t marry her.”
“But we’re in love! You just don’t get it, you don’t understand that a man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
“She’s never seen a single Tyler Perry movie.”
“That white BITCH!”