America: We Are Officially Out of Ideas

KFC is coming out with fried chicken corsages for prom. Because yes, nothing will make her want to bang you in the back seat of dad's Subaru like the stench of congealed grease wrapped around her wrist (believe me fellas, i've tried it.) 

Can somebody please tell KFC we're perfectly fine with them you know, just making fried chicken and putting it into a bucket?

I was gonna roll my eyes "the Colonel would be spinning in his bucket!" but then I remembered this, so:

1) I keep hearing people on tv say something like “You know, if your father heard you say that he’d turn over in his grave.” What the hell is this? The WORST thing we can think of is someone turning over in their grave, MAYBE harrumphing loudly with their disdain? Wow. “Oh no!! What if Pop can awake from the dead, hear what I was saying, and TURN OVER in the box we stuffed him in six feet in the ground!! Man, that would be awful!!!” Assuming said person COULD actually do something, wouldn’t we be more inclined to say “If your father could hear you now, he’d get up out of his grave and walk over here and beat the living shit out of you.” Now that might get my attention. Thinking that MAYBE someone in a faraway grave turned over doesn’t really make me decide to NOT set up a pyramid scheme to rip off Brownie troops. When I was a kid it was always “When your father gets home he’s going to KILL you”, which would of course scare the hell outta me. If my mother had said “If your father could magically hear you speak 47 miles away from here, he’d be so furious he’d spin around once in his office chair”, then i mean, camon.

SIDE NOTE: Bonus in that post: THEODORE!!