Chuck Klosterman Is a Goddam Hero

Like most boys my age I guess KISS was one of my first (if not THE first) musical loves. For no other reason, really, than the fact that they wore evil clown makeup. I guess that means that if Phyllis Diller put out an album I woulda been into her too. I’d see those album covers and man, I’d beg my parents to order the face makeup kit from Sears so I could be Gene or Paul or Ace. My parents, being as thrifty as they were, instead bought me the knock-off version, “LICK.” You’d spread the stuff on your face, look in the mirror and think “I don’t look like Paul at all…is it getting dark in here?” then you’d wake up 3 days later with a squirrel attached to your face. Not good. The country store down the road sold KISS bubblegum cards, which I’d snatch up anytime I got a quarter. I can still picture myself walking down the road after buying a pack and flipping one of the cards over to read that ABC was airing “KISS and the Phantom of the Park”…ON THAT VERY NIGHT!!! Of course, even at age 7 as I was watching I was like “boy…this is terrible…unwatchable even…what’s Neil Diamond doing here?” - XMASTIME 

Chuck Klosterman reviews every single KISS album, so you don't have to. Like most kids of my generation I was fascinated/scared by KISS as a kid, grew up and realized the music was garbage, then grew even older to find their naked capitalism charming. Even as an actual fan of the band, Klosterman brings the truth:

Kiss simply declared that their enormity was reality, and reality elected to agree.

There’s never been a rock group so easy to appreciate in the abstract and so hard to love in the specific.

Here’s a statement only a fool would contradict: There’s never been a band inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame whose output has been critically contemplated less than the music of Kiss.

You’d be hard-pressed to name another band that wrote all its own songs over such a long period of time without ever learning how. (Rob Sheffield)

This was also the period when Eddie Van Halen allegedly asked Gene Simmons if he could join Kiss, an anecdote Gene has told approximately 4,000 times and Eddie has told approximately never.

I guess it’s admirable that Kiss were still trying to put out a new album every goddamn year, even if the main motive was avoiding bankruptcy.

Gene grew a goatee and Paul bought a leather duster, so you know a lot of deep consideration went into this. (the recording of Revenge)

This is the anti-Kiss; I might add that it’s also anti-good, but that would be cheap. I’m bumping it up one half letter grade for the peculiarity of its ambition.

Kiss Symphony: Alive IV (2003): This was recorded with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra in Australia. If you own this album, it means (a) you own every album on this list, (b) “Shandi” was your wedding song, or (c) you are a member of the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra.

Monster (2012): The 20th Kiss studio album, recorded so Kiss could say they’ve made 20 studio albums. The 20th Rolling Stones album was Dirty Work, which sounds like Sticky Fingers by comparison. When R.E.M. made an album titled Monster, it felt like the least-heavy record ever made by a band trying to be heavy on purpose. Yet it’s still heavier than this.