Thursday, June 26, 2014

Longtime Xmastime Classixxx That Mentions Derek Jeter

How the Fuck Long HAS It Been Since I Had a Girlfriend? (A Haiku)

I have never gotten an email from a girlfriend. Or a text, or an IM.
I have never gotten a call from a girlfriend on her cell phone.
I have never had a girlfriend who had a computer.
I have never had a girlfriend who knew who won the 1996 presidential election.
Or knew if OJ did it.
I'v never had a girlfriend say "Never forget!" re: 9/11
Or known Alaska and Hawaii to be states.
Okay, ain't been THAT long.
I have never had a girlfriend who ordered pizza with cheese in the crust.
I have never had a girlfriend who has heard the name "Derek Jeter."
I have never been to a girlfriend's website, myspace page or been her Friendster.

I feel like an old man, frozen in time - like Mr. Burns saying "there's a NEW Mexico?!?!?!" Like I'll be startled next time I unwrap a lady in my boudoir "There's no hair! and what happened to the back of your drawers?!??!" Or like my grandmother, who upon walking in while we were watching "I Love Lucy" said "Desi Arnaz has a tv show?!" Wow.

And yes, I just combined my grandma, a brazillian and tongety-tong tongs. Voila!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What? You sir, are not an old man. You are in your prime. You have a great personality. you are handsome and healthy, you can walk, talk, you are funny, you work, dress well, have good hygiene, you have good taste in food, sort of, you are eligible to HAVE a girlfriend. Go on Meet a coffee shop. NO alcohol. Just be sweet, clean and respectful Ask her about herself. If she likes baseball, arrange to take her to a minor league ball game. Be aware of her comfort. Remind her to bring a jacket and offer to walk on the outside of the street and open doors and be polite. And clean. Ask her out regularly and don't let her spend her money until it's well understood that she is your girlfriend. Never let her pay unless she INSISTS. THEN she will be your gf. Give her some space between dates but let her know you enjoy her company. Laugh at her stupid jokes. And be nice to her mother. But not overly nice. And don't try anything with her or you will ruin the whole thing. THEN you will have a gf. If it doesn't work with that one, then try again. Same MO. Make sure she is just as nice to you. Godpseed.