Xmastime Classixxx

Incredibly, there was a time when Kim Kardashian was new:

Are you kidding me?!?!?!? Kim Kardashian Xmastime! Where has this girl been all this fucking time?!? Up til now, I knew her as the non-celebrity with the celebrity sex tape. But then I stumbled upon some pictures and at this current time I have already had a fantasy whirlwind romance with her - we got married, three days later she fucked all of my friends, I'm crushed, I forgive her and take her back even though she doesn't really care to, I catch her the next day in bed with the guy that wrote "Who Let the Dogs Out?", she vaguely says "oh, I thought it was you", I try to convince myself she's telling the truth, finally can't after accepting that by saying "in bed with the guy that wrote "Who Let the Dogs Out?" it was really "in bed with the team from The Waterboy", run away and spend a year on the road as a country-western singer, crying all day and singing songs about her in every Holiday Inn bar in the country at night, inventing a Philly Cheesesteak powdered flavoring for Ramen Noodles, then hanging myself at a Wal-Mart in Tacoma. After some more research, I can't imagine her probationary period not ending with her at Mrs. Xmastime #1.

BRITNEY: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! SHIT'S FOR REAL NOW! I CAN BARELY SEE YOU, FADING AWAY!!!