Downton Abbey Recap: Season 5, Episode 3

- Mary & dipshit’s dullness last week (“now that we’re in a hotel room after planning our amorous relations for months, let’s go out for a big meal, then maybe I’ll shit with the door open”) was possibly just topped by Mary’s “you may root around my guts with your penis but don’t even think about getting your paws on my breakfast.” Ugh. #unsexy

- Mary: “Nothing’s going to happen that isn’t properly executed.” Hopefully she means the two of them.

- I honestly have no idea how this “Rose & the Russians” thing happened. Ironically, I wouldn't mind being around her with a bottle of vodka...empty or full. (Oh, too soon, Cosby h8rz? Really?!?!!?!!)

- Can we go an episode without Robert worrying that the Drewes are going to get sick of Edith for her showing up? What's next - "Oh yeah Cora, that's feels great....don't stop, baby...say, those Drewes are probably sick of Edith today, aren't they...ooooh, yeah..."

- Thomas on the phone...is he calling Tinder? Oooooh, "Choose your own path." Exciting! Unless the path includes endlessly recycled versions of "sniff out shit on people and then use it against them and even when it blows up in your face you come out smelling like roses and everybody wondering 'yeah, how DOES Thomas stay employed here?' over and over, of course.

- Maybe it's because of the time he tried to sabotage Molesly, but I hate fucking Sprout. Just that empty, dopey surprised look of his. Fuck him and that empty, dopey surprised look of his.

-  If Violet & Isobel hate each other so much why do they hang out sipping tea all the time? They're like every reality show out there: "oh, I hate _____, we're sworn enemies and - oooh, I'm going to Cabo? oooh, let's invite _______!" Fucking hell.

- Love how nobody bothers to ask about Mary's sketches except Edith, whose tone implies something fishy but still gets brushed aside. Everybody hates Edith so much nobody's willing to acknowledge her question by saying oh yeah, let's see the paintings. They're like Republicans who hate Obama so much that if he owned a funeral home, they'd stop dying.

-  “No one’s going to put 50 buildings on my property!” Robert Grantham, business genius as usual. Only hope he lives long enough to turn down free shares of IBM.

-  Are the little kids Owen from Party of Five? Every once in a while they just wheel them out and then the family pretends they recognize them.

- Love how suddenly Hughes, Anna and Mary are private investigators. They're like Charlie's Angels except not hot, smart, nor in any way ever able to figure out anything themselves about anything other than gasping in surprise every 8 minutes.

- "What he did"? Does Anna KNOW Bates did it? Or does she just assume he did because he's a fucking lunatic who's been in jail twice, once under suspicion of murder, and is scary-looking enough to scare her into sleeping with him every night until he dies of old age or kills her?

-  Love to know what all-afternoon “meeting” the Earl has. Is it to figure out how to throw the rest of the estate's money down the shitter, or scheduling dress-up with old war uniforms?

- Even tho he’s lying I like seeing Thomas make Carson look like an asshole re: his “flurry of telephonic communication.” I wanna see a flurry of somebody's fists on Carson's fucking face.

- As usual, Thomas has the best moment of the episode re: his dad never being kind to him.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, Baxter’s gonna find out about Thomas’ dad not being sick and turn it on him.

- Anna to Bates, “ever wonder what it'd be like to start over." Yes, how about in prison?

- Cora on the war: "Sometimes I find myself thinking how busy we were, how useful." Ah yes, longing for those wonderful days of the most savagely violent brutality in human history to date. Sigh. (clutching pillow and spinning the pea, gazing out the window in wonder about old days romping with school chums in the fens and spinneys.)

- Bates to Anna, ad nauseum: “Why are you putting me off? Do I need to go kill another motherfucker?”

- Ms. Hughes to Daisy: "Go as far in life as God & luck allow”…and not, you know, the math et al Daisy’s learning. Pretty sure that's on the Harvard crest: "Luck & God"...actually, that probably IS on the Harvard crest.


- Everybody seems to have an opinion re: whether studying is the right thing for Daisy to do. Usually without even acknowledging her presence. At some point, can't Daisy just say "you losers know I own a farm, right?"

- Carson’s monologue on who has the right to be remembered as being brave during the war while he was screaming at footmen about where to put the shrimp fork was particularly touching.

- Yikes, thanks to Ms. Padmore I can still hear my high school football coach screaming at me: "sympathy butters no parsnips!" #flashbackfriday


 - "Will there be an unwanted epilogue?" "Don't worry granny, I gave it to Anna so Bates can stumble upon it, assume she's cheatng and then split her head open with his cane." "Oh, jolly!"

- Mary: “I learned a great deal I never knew before.” Like when it comes to returning oral delights, Tony Gillingham keeps the mouse in house, unfortunately.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, at some point, the dude that Baxter stole for will re-appear. Yaaaawn.

- Could they have made Baxter’s whole “dramatic story!” more boring? This had less of a climax than my 4th "session" of the day. #puffsofair 

- Bates retelling his events in York: “Posted a letter…ate a sandwich…pushed a guy into an oncoming bus…made inquiries at a shoe shop…”

- “I doubt they’ll remember everything I’ve done before my body’s cold.” Oh but Cora, you pulled off that bazaar in '20 with only about 35 servants at your whim!! It was a MIRACLE!! They'll be talking about that until the cows come home! (oh, wait - the cows are home...who's "Cora"?)

- How would you like to be the actress who plays the woman who thinks that her husband has the hots for Edith, whom the writers always make it clear is the ugliest and most undesired living thing ever?

- As much of an asshole he is for saying it, Robert’s right re: Cora and the art expert. Obviously he's using the old "wow, your thoughts are amazing!" to hit it. Curious to se how it works, as it goes against my own “what are you, a fucking idiot?” tactic when trying to get a woman to like me.

-  Tom’s lips are moving, so I assume it’s “I don’t belong here! I’m leaving!” “Don’t leave.” “Okay.”

- Mary tells Tom things have fizzled with Tony. In other words his poor lovemaking has suddenly  reminded her how much richer Charles whatshisface is.

- Quelle surprise, Tony’s back. Fucking visits more than Matthew during the Battle of the Somme. I had diarrhea that was less repeating.

- Of course Rose invites Ms. Bunting into her Russian refugees thing. What could possibly go wrong?

- This is how much the writers of this show hate Edith: Anna feels sorry for Edith. Yes, the woman married to a fat, old homicidal maniac feels sorry for her. Of course.