It's Almost March...

....which means the Only Fools and Horses Best Episode Tournament is coming soon!!!!

#Seinfeldsteen

Conversation with a 3 Year-Old

Me: “Sorry buddy we’re nowhere near a Chick Fil-A."
Him: “You’re so mean it makes me sad!”
Me: “What?”
Him: “Now I’m mad!”
Me: “But -“
Him: “Liar!”
Me: “There’s no-“
Him: “LIAR!!!!!!”

Dammit!

Not today, DickCheeto! NOT today!!!

Funny du Jour

via The New Yorker.

Ummmm...

...with all due respect to Bradley Beal I still own The Greatest Walk of All Time.

State du Moi

Listening to a podcast about The Lottery and realizing how fucked up it is that in 7th grade we performed it as a play. Wtf.

Valentine's Day...

...probably good as any to update my Tinder profile pic.

Happy Valentine's Day

What with my over the top, bordering on the dangerous luck with the ladies, Valentines Day has always been a big deal for me. Let's take a walk through the years and, starting with 8th grade, see how each Valentine's Day went for our guy Xmastime.

1986: nothing
1987: nothing
1988: nothing
1989: bought rose for a girl I was into and later dated for two years. My first love. Of course by the time it got to her it had died and shriveled up. And that ended up being the highlight of our relationship.
1990: I think I got a keychain shaped like a heart from her. Ring-a-ding fucking ding.
1991: nothing
1992: nothing
1993: nothing
1994: had a girlfriend, but can't remember doing anything special. Sounds like it must have been amazing.
1995: broke up with her, inciting what surely was 4-sleeve Snackwells emergency at Stubbs Dorm.
1996: nothing
1997: nothing
1998: nothing
1999: nothing
2000: nothing
2001: nothing
2002: nothing
2003: nothing
2004: nothing
2005: nothing
2006: nothing
2007: nothing
2008: nothing
2009: nothing
2010: nothing
2011: nothing
2012: nothing
2013: nothing
2014: nothing 
2015: nothing
2016: nothing
2017: nothing
2018: nothing
2019: nothing as of 1:29pm

Bonnet le touche!

Whose charming techniques will you use this Valentines?

Del Boy's or Rodney's? pic.twitter.com/zvv6bnweRD

— Only Fools Reactions (@OFAHReactions) February 14, 2017

Xmastime Onion Headlines

Dog loses count, not sure he spun 3 times before sleeping

Same 8 year-old spills his goddam Pepsi at birthday party at Pizza Hut again

Sean Hannity: WAS Ben Franklin our best president?

Area Dad insists no no, THIS was the hottest goddam summer ever

GM looking for reason to recall 8 million cars

Aliens say thanks, but no thanks on visiting Earth

ONION CLASSIC: Crazed gunman shoots at Yoko Ono, misses 5 times

Well Well Well...

....looks like I may actually be going to a movie theater in 2019!

Yesterday” stars newcomer Himesh Patel as a struggling singer-songwriter named Jack who wakes up from a freak bus accident to discover The Beatles have never existed. Jack is the only person on the planet who remembers The Beatles and his music career skyrockets when he begins playing the songs made famous by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Star, and George Harrison.

Aaaaaaaayyyyyy!

Now THIS made me smile. :)

Xmastime Poll Du Jour

The worst story arc in The Office was:

Co-managers

Tallahassee

Athlead

via GIPHY

My Live-Tweeting of the State of the Union. You're Welcome!

As it always is, watching the media pretend to take Trump’s SOTU talk about “unity” seriously is gonna be incredible to watch.

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Sorry but you don’t get to brag about 5M people rising above needing food stamps when your basic position is once you give them to someone they’ll insist on being layabout takers forever. #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Just once I’d like one to say “the State of the Union is, well, tbh it could be better...” #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

I’ll take Trump’s call for unity a little more seriously if he makes if past 8am tomorrow without tweeting the word “Pocahontas.” #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

How the fuck slow are these caravans? It’s taken them longer to get here than those killer bees did. #SOTU⁠ ⁠

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

That’s great Mr. President BUT CAN YOU PLEASE TELL US WHAT THE FUCK TEAM ANTHONY DAVIS IS GOING TO???!!! #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

“We now have more women in Congress than ever - and a few of them are even 7’s!” #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Trump after every applause line tonight. #SOTU https://t.co/puVyDskyLy

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Oh, it’s infrastructure week. For only the 100th straight week. Awesome. #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

“Let us create a culture that cherishes innocent life... unless they’re brown, then we’ll put ‘em in cages. Big, beautiful cages!” #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Mike Pence just caught himself looking at AOC’s naked arms and is now paralyzed with guilt. #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

What - Trumps finally going to Vietnam?!! #China #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

435 people whose entire livelihoods are governed by socialism just stood up to applaud Trumps declaration that America will never be a socialist country. 🤔 #SOTU

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

OMG out of the corner of my eye I saw the words “Capital Hill” onscreen but thought it said this and for a split second thought I was about to agree with Trump on something. #SOTU pic.twitter.com/eV2LWgusXt

— XMASTIME (@XMASTIMEblog) February 6, 2019

Questions About Edelman & Schilling. I Have Them.

WTF is it about Boston athletes that if they perform well in the postseason we think they belong in their respective HOF???!!!

ESPN 30 for 30 Shorts I Want Made.

Ralph Sampson UVa/KY signing moment - a misspoken moment that changed college bball history forever?

The Ballad of Danny Heater - 105 points on one random WVa night.

Reggie Jackson almost played football for The Bear - wtf would that have looked like??!?!!?!

Houston: Best Team Never to Win - Akeem, Clyde, Benny Anders, Larry Michauex, list goes on…

Mystery of 1983 Houston/Lville game being meaningless in the end. Greatest semifinal winner to not win the title?

Knoblach/Sax throwing yips. Whats the equivalent in other jobs?

Irony: in between the two greatest upsets in NCAA history, NC State and Nova, came what was a clash between two of the greatest college teams ever…and that game was a snooze fest.

UVa’s shocking loss to Chaminade in 1982 is even more shocking when you realize that in their previous game they’d beaten Akeem/Clyde’s Houston team…and they did it without Ralph Sampson, who had the flu!

Baseball Hall of Fame Frank Robinson played high school basketball with…Bill Russell!

Some Thoughts About The Office

Re: the last episode of the first season, The Hot Girl, I never understood why some random girl would set up shop in the office with like 15 people to sell bags. There's no foot traffic - wouldn't she just stick her head in the door and say "hey anyone want one of these bags?" and then leave? 

Michael Scott often quotes movies while giving inane sales presentations at the office. So why did he never do Alec Baldwin's famous Glengarry Glen Ross scene?

What the hell happened to Danny Cordray?

Oh For Fuck's Sake

Howard Schultz thinking about running in 2020 reminds us that if there's anything Trump's taught us it's that if there's one thing we need it's another a billionaire with no political experience. I don't think we need to "catch" Howard Shultz not knowing how much a box of Cheerios costs to reveal that the entire reason he's running for president is to save himself and his fellow billionaires a ton of money in taxes, as he's been pretty open about it being exactly that.

Also:

How do presidential hopefuls in 2019 still think we believe them when they say their intention is “to bring all Americans together?” And do they think they’re the first to think of this - like we're all gonna go "wait, wha - that's an incredible!! idea"?

Questions. I Have Them.

How the fuck have the Steelers not hired this guy?