I’ve been spending some time in hotels recently for work, but no matter how many I patronize I always feel like they KNOW I don’t belong there, that they’ll sniff out my animal white trashness and kick me out tout suité (that's French! I think! Almost certain!). I assume that if I ask for anything above and beyond a room to lie down in until I leave the next morning they’ll be like “who the fuck does THIS asshole think he is?!?!” and chop me into little bits to be served with the $39.99 breakfast the next morning. (FYI: "continental breakfast" = "there will be at least 2 different shapes of pastries", so knock yourself out.)
For instance, coming into town every week for the hotel stretch I have my computer bag, my clothes bag, and my winter coat that weighs about 600 pounds. I’ll walk into my office drenched in sweat, huffing and puffing and thomping everything down at my desk about as loud a goddam water buffalo at a teacups convention. But it has occurred to me to go to the hotel in the morning, hours before my check-in, and ask if I can leave my stuff there during the day, but always chicken out. Sorry btw, chickens. Don't know why I say that.
This morning I had to pop down to the front desk about a key issue, and found myself in line behind what looked to be a 12 year-old kid. Not as in “hahaha he looks so young I bet his office mates make fun of him!” but rather as in if Jesus Christ dropped down and looked at this kid he’d say he’s 12 years old. I'd be all, "hey Jesus Christ wow, you're here!" and Jesus would say, "stop jerking off so goddam much" and I'd be like, "hahaha THANKS Jesus, you're so funny!" and then I'd ask him if this is the greatest utterance of his name ever and then he'd be all like "I gotta bounce" but we'd still maybe be BFF?
Anyways, the kid was in khakis and fancy black leather shoes (probably leather from a real animal, the little sh*t) and a sport coat, obviously some private school kid. He had two large suitcases on him along with that bored “how many times we gotta do this shit, amirite fellow adults?” looks teenager like to do around adults.
So I’m standing behind the kid just as easy as you please, trying to not offend the hotels gods and rehearsing in my head what I’d say to the guy at the counter about my key when this little sh*t just as easy as he pleases walks up to the front desk and says “I’m checking in later, hold on to my bags until then.”
The guy behind the counter immediately does all the “yes please of course thank you sir” stuff and this little sh*t just fucking breezes out, easy as you please. The little sh*t didn’t ask if he could leave his bags, and the little sh*t didn’t say “my dad said I could leave my bags here, is that cool?”
Enjoy your future lacrosse teams who dress up in blackface every Halloween, you little sh*t: you’ve earned it.
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