Chestnuts

I just now realized how much I wrote just minutes after the Nathan's Hog Dog Eating Contest in 2007, the first year Joey Chestnut defeated Kobayashi and became America's greatest American thing in America. Ever. So enjoy my words as they were given to America on that day, people. You're welcome!

One funny thing about the Hot Dog Eating Contest is that, like golf, people generally root for the front-runner. On Sundays you want Tiger to win, and on July 4th you want Kobayashi to win with like 96 dogs. You never see people rooting for some dude struggling to get down 25, you want freakish greatness. Like rooting for Dolly Parton in a titty contest, or me in a ball-touching while watching Roseanne and dreaming up a Hormel & Chef Boyardee Ravioli recipes contest.

My hats off to the announcers who somehow, someway pulled off talking about this event for an hour...I believe the highlight being when one of them said that should Chestnut win he'll go down as a great American Hero like Lincoln, Franklin and.......Taylor Hicks. Can you really compare Lincoln's keeping the Union together while freeing the slaves to Hicks' version of  Taking it to the Streets? Time will tell, I reckon.

Do these guys get groupies? I mean, how much of a turn-on can it be when you're known for eating so much dick-shaped food that it's gonna leave you curled up on the bowl for about 8 hours? This isn't catching Jimmy Page walking offstage and blowing him, this is sitting around waiting for a dude to shit his body weight. The euphoria might not last long enough; even I'm not horny over that. Of course I'm lying - I just dipped my cock in corn-dog batter and "rang the Liberty Bell."

But let's be honest: we're all watching more every year because with the freak numbers these dudes are putting up, it's only a matter of time before we see a fatality. I mean camon, you can't shove that many 8-inch slabs of meat in your mouth so quickly and not choke to death eventually. Unless, of course, you're a girl I'm madly in love with and want to let me know you just wanna be "friends" while visiting the 76ers training camp (oooooooooh I hate you baby!!!!!)

Post-script: about 20 minutes after Kobayashi lost the contest, Matsui hit one out at the Stadium. Tora! Tora! Tora! indeed.