Xmastime's First AI-Assisted Post!

I pulled a few bits of pretend dialogue I've posted over the years and asked ChatGPT to arrange them as if making a movie, while dropping in directional notes throughout....I have no idea what the title it came up with is supposed to mean, but hey I'm not gonna read this shit anyways so have fun!

 

"MIXED LINES"

by 

Xmastime

 

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

A young man, XMASTIME, sits on a couch, scrolling through his phone. He hesitates before making a call.

 

XMASTIME

Hotline, what's your name?

 

CALLER

Hi, I'm...Brian.

 

XMASTIME

Hi Brian. How we doing?

 

CALLER

Not so good...not good at all...everything's bad...

 

XMASTIME

Talk to me.

 

CALLER

Well. I haven't hooked up with a girl in like 2 months.

 

XMASTIME

Really.

 

CALLER

Yeah...hey, this is anonymous, right? You know my name's not really Brian, right? Cause I'm embarrassed.

 

XMASTIME

Brian, I haven't gotten laid in three years.

 

CALLER

What the...what?

 

XMASTIME

That's right. And she was a drunk Chinese slut, so lord knows what'll happen to me.

 

CALLER

Oh my god. Three years?

 

XMASTIME

I lied, Brian. Five years.

 

CALLER

Jesus Christ. I'd freakin' die.

 

XMASTIME

Well, not on the phone I hope.

 

CALLER

And it's just that...my girlfriend, I dunno, sometimes she bugs me. Wants to be with me all the time.

 

XMASTIME

Really. Hmm. Sounds tough.

 

CALLER

Right? Sometimes I just wanna hang out with the guys!

 

XMASTIME

How old are you, Brian?

 

CALLER

23.

 

XMASTIME

Okay. The last time I had a girlfriend, you were 10.

 

CALLER

What the...really?

 

XMASTIME

That's right. Know what I've done every day and night since?

 

CALLER

What?

 

XMASTIME

"Hung out with the guys." Know what I'd like?

 

CALLER

What?

 

XMASTIME

Some chick who wants me to be with her all the time.

 

CALLER

Jesus. That's right. You're so right.

 

XMASTIME

How's the job front going, Bri?

 

CALLER

Oh, it's okay. Boring; I'm in line for a promotion and raise, but sometimes I wonder if selling out for some big corporation is what I really wanna be doing.

 

XMASTIME

Hmm. Sounds rough.

 

CALLER

Dude. You don't wanna know.

 

XMASTIME

Actually, I would Bri. I don't have a job. Matter of fact, as I'm on the phone with you I'm trying to see if I can string this suicide line job out to 8 lines on my resume.

 

CALLER

Really? Jesus.

 

XMASTIME

That's right. What's this, Wednesday?

 

CALLER

Uh-huh.

 

XMASTIME

Cool. Wednesdays are the nights I extend my Prell shampoo with water.

 

CALLER

Oh my god.

 

XMASTIME

If I'm feeling randy enough, knock out broken glass/urine cleanup in my room.

 

CALLER

I...uh...

 

XMASTIME

That way I can spend tomorrow night wondering if I'm gonna drop dead from a heart attack.

 

CALLER

Ummm....

 

XMASTIME

Anyways, you were saying something about being depressed?

 

CALLER

Well, yeah, but...

 

XMASTIME

I'm listening.

 

CALLER

Hey, look...I gotta go, I'm gonna pop in and surprise my girl.

 

XMASTIME

You sure? I got time to talk, Brian. Murder She Wrote isn't on for another hour.

 

CALLER

Oh, Jesus. I'm...I'm gonna go. Thanks for your help...

 

XMASTIME

You got it, Bri!

 

CALLER

Actually...thanks a LOT...

 

XMASTIME

Good luck, Brian.

 

CALLER

Thanks, man.

 

XMASTIME

Keep me in mind if anything opens up at your office!

 

 

INT. DINER - MORNING

 

XMASTIME sits at a diner counter. The COOK serves him a plate.

 

COOK

So, how you like THAT??!

 

XMASTIME

Pretty good.

 

COOK

"Pretty good"?!?!

 

XMASTIME

Well, really good. Was a really good burger.

 

COOK

Oh.

 

XMASTIME

So. Well, I gotta run.

 

COOK

I...I'm sorry, I...

 

XMASTIME

Hey hey, it's cool. Was a really good burger. Don't worry about it. Was fine.

 

COOK

"Fine."

 

XMASTIME

Now Loni Anderson...THAT was a good-lookin' woman, right? Am I right?...okay, I'm out.

 

 

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

A family scene unfolds as the young hero enters the room. He grabs the comics section of the newspaper and plops down in the Edith chair opposite his father, who sits in the Archie Master Chair.

 

DAD

(Lowers paper) 

Judith, more coffee.

 

As he's pulling the paper up to read again, catches, out of the corner of his eye, his son's sockless feet. Yanks paper back down, adopts a horrified face.

 

Son...you're not wearing socks.

 

ME

No. I didn't yesterday either, when we had this same conversation.

 

DAD

(Looking like a confused, lost puppy, utterly baffled, 

shouts out)

 

Judith! Did you know about this??!!!

 

MOM

(Unintelligible)

 

DAD

Why aren't you wearing socks?

 

ME

'Cause I don't wear socks.

 

DAD

When did this start?

 

ME

Oh, come on!

 

DAD

Judith! When did this start???!! Judith!!!

 

MOM

(Unintelligible)

 

ME

I don't wear socks!! What's the big deal?!!?!? And does nobody else care that soon the Soviet Union will repeal the Brezhnev Doctrine in favor of non-intervention in the internal affairs of its Warsaw Pact allies???!!!!

 

Dad, while looking at me as if I had cut one not just at church, but at Jesus Christ’s funeral, slooooooowly raises the paper back up to read, all the while staring at me, confounded.

 

---

 

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

 

XMASTIME is seated at a table. A waitress, HER, approaches with a notepad.

 

XMASTIME

Can I have it without the sauce?

 

HER

Without the honey butter and hot sauce? Really?

 

XMASTIME

Well...is it more honey than butter, or more butter?

 

HER

Oh, it's definitely a lot of sweet, sweet honey.

 

Places hand on table and leans over. Clearly attempting to be flirtatious.

 

XMASTIME

Ahhhh...okay, sure...keep the honey butter on.

 

HER

How 'bout the hot sauce? C'mon, you gotta have the hot sauce.

 

XMASTIME

Oh, I dunno...I don't really like hot sauce.

 

HER

Well, it's really vinegar-y. It's not TOO hot. But yeah, (leans over more, ensuring I'm looking right down her shirt) it's hot.

 

XMASTIME

Ahhhh...ummm....not TOO hot?

 

HER

Oh, it's hot. JUST hot enough. You can handle it.

 

XMASTIME

Hey, you know what, ahhhh, sure...hot sauce too.

 

HER

Great!

 

Straightens up, spins around, and heads back to place the order.

 

 

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

 

AUNT PAT stands at the stove, preparing breakfast. ME enters, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

 

AUNT PAT

You want some breakfast?

 

ME

Sure, that'd be great.

 

AUNT PAT

How about some scrambled eggs?

 

ME

Oh yeah, definitely.

 

AUNT PAT

With some bacon?

 

ME

I love bacon!

 

AUNT PAT

You want some toast?

 

ME

Yeah.

 

AUNT PAT

White, or Jewish rye?

 

ME

Jewish rye.

 

AUNT PAT

So it's scrambled eggs, bacon, and Jewish rye toast?

 

ME

Sounds great.

 

AUNT PAT

It does. Make it your goddam self.

 

ME stands stunned for a moment, then laughs.

 

 

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY

 

ME and HIM are standing in line at a fast-food joint.

 

ME

Sorry buddy, we're nowhere near a Chick Fil-A.

 

HIM

You're so mean it makes me sad!

 

ME

What?

 

HIM

Now I'm mad!