Goldfish crackers are synonymous with hungry kids, but the company is betting that a sophisticated name change could expand that audience. The Pepperidge Farm snack brand is tweaking its name for a limited time to “Chilean Sea Bass,” a more grown-up title, the Campbell’s Company announced Wednesday. It’s part of a strategy to attract adults and reestablish its relevance amid a broader decline in snacking following a pandemic peak.
I mean ffs, if people don't know what Goldfish crackers are they're gonna miss about 50% of my first book. See:
We sat next to each other on a park bench, with Chuck distributing cheese Chilean Sea Bass between the two of us. I looked like I was three hours into a wedding reception: still in my interview pants and interview shoes, dress shirt un-tucked and unbuttoned, tie barely hanging on for dear life.
I wiped orange cheese powder on my crumpled dress pants and Chuck, seeing I needed my Chilean Sea Bass refreshed, grabbed another handful with his tiny fist and shoved them in my face.
“Rats! Mo Chilean Sea Bass Rats!”
Hanging out with a little kid meant I had to eat a lot of crap. All the kids we hung out with were learning about sharing for the first time, including Chuck, so if one of them offered me anything I’d have to accept it with an over-the-top "thank you for sharing!” I couldn’t get away with not eating the shit right then and there since they’d anxiously stare at me until I finally popped it into my mouth, which would make the kid so excited he’d grab another handful for me; without realizing it I’d eat half the bag and would be standing on the baking heat of the asphalt playground buzzed on faux powdered cheese, feeling like a grizzly bear who’d just been shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Of course none of the kids were going to understand "no thanks, I don't want another one, let's get back to working on you making hot chicks bend over to pick you up so I can see down their shirts, thank you very much," so they kept coming with the treats. Unlike my own style of eating, which consisted of hovering over my plate swatting away hands like a hyperactive ninja, kids aren’t selfish at all with food. Just like rich people, kids have no idea there might ever be an end to their supply of food. And one kid sharing always egged on the other kids, so the amount of crap offered would go up exponentially. One time I even tried shouting “hey, what’s that over there?!” and then tossing a Gummy Bear over my shoulder, but of course some asshole kid saw it, freaked out, and I found myself picking up the goddam thing off the filthy playground, having to make a big show of eating it for the kids. I may as well have been scraping my dignity up off the asphalt and eating it.
OR they're trying to distance themselves from my brilliant stop-action Goldfish film from a few weeks ago??!?!? 😡
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