If I can't fool one of the checkout girls downstairs at the Wegman's who see that I live in the building that I'm a super-baller long enough until they can't help but fall in love with me then I really don't see how I'm ever going to find true love. - XMASTIME, right now
From my 2015 non-best non-selling debut novel, WILLIAMSBURG RATS:
“If you’re normal sized, you at least have a chance to win any girl over with your personality. Maybe you’ll be competing with better looking guys, but girls have a sliding looks to personality scale for guys, know what I mean?”
“Scale Rats!”
“Girls don’t mind a guy sliding down a few points on the looks scale if he picks them back up personality-wise. It’s just like the better-looking a girl is, the more craziness we’ll put up with, right?”
“Good lookin Rats!”
“That’s right, the better looking you are, the less personality you need. That’s why bars are so darn loud nowadays, right? Good-looking guys want it really loud so they don’t have to talk, figuring that talking can only hurt them, right?”
“Cool Rats!”
“Not really. If you’re competing with a really good looking guy, that’s tough, since he might actually be really cool because he’s so good-looking, right?”
“Rats!”
“Yeah, that one sucks.”
“I’m good looking, Rats!”
“Ha!” I tussled his hair and laughed. “That’s right lil’ buddy, you are.”
“Not you Rats!”
“Thanks. And you wonder why I don’t take you to The Nest with me. But yeah, that’s why I can’t just stand there with my mouth shut, trying to look cool, and wait for women to come to me, can I? Heck no.”
“Heck no Rats!”
“You’re a heckuva wingman, lil’ buddy. But you’re right, I have to somehow trap a woman into my web, and then spend months making my case to her so she’ll fall in love with me. I have to be at my best every moment we’re together, showing her my personality, my sense of humor, my thoughtfulness; I’m like Perry Mason up there.”
“Perr Mason Rats?”
“He was a lawyer on TV, but that doesn’t matter right now. The point is, I have to make my case while knowing that at any moment, some really good-looking dude could walk into the bar and whisk her away from me without even opening his mouth.”
“Wha you say Rats!!”
“That’s right, lil’ buddy. It’s exhausting.”
“I’m good-lookin Rats!”
I agreed once again while he gnashed his teeth together to grin as hard as he could. Incredibly, he was still paying attention. It was by far the longest Chuck had ever paid attention to anything I said, and of all things it was my advice about women. The kid was screwed.
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