Me on staying in a hotel near a White Castle during my trip to New York City last month:
I think it's only fair that everybody who has to hear about me living in New York for 15 years also should get to hear me talk about how giddy I am that I'm staying at a hotel near Times Square within a block of White Castle, 7-11 and Arby's.
White Castle understands my need to immediately die from diarrhea while also pretending to be a health fanatic. #respect 😞
While I was waiting in line the cashier held up a $10 bill to inspect it like she was working at the Bellagio.
The morning I was leaving I said hey look dammit, you're not actually leaving this goddam city without having a coupla White Castles for old times' sake. I finished my packing at about 8:45am, which only left me with about 8 hours to make sure I was on time for my train which would be at the station 3 blocks from my hotel, but I risked everything and popped out of my hotel and wandered the few blocks over to White Castle.
Being basically in Times Square I assumed the White Castle of all places would be open 24 hours, so imagine my surprise when I yanked the door handle and was met with that CLANG! that's loud enough to guarantee that every crush you've ever had in your life can hear it and therein know to look up to witness your humiliation. Looking through the glass doors I saw that there were a bunch of employees sitting at one of the tables looking at me, so of course I did the thing where I look up & around as if confused and then realize "hey wait a second, this isn’t the address for the goddam Algonquin Round Table!" and I quickly scampered around the corner so the employees couldn’t see me. Since by that point I thought I could smell the White Castles steaming on the grill and my brain is primarily motivated by food, I brilliantly decided I'd check on UberEats to see what time they opened (of course I couldn't slink back to the front door and check the sign so all the employees could see me) and was pleased to see it opened at 9am.
It was 8:59am and while my instinct was to start walking back around the corner & by the time I took the 17 steps of course the door would be open for business, but I was much too clever for that & said “hey dummy, don't go charging in through door at 9:00am on the nose like a jealous high school boyfriend; wait a few minutes and breeze in all cool-like as if you'd only now discovered White Castle.”
I timed it so I'd open the door at 9:04am and of course when I yanked the door handle I was met with that CLANG! that's loud enough to guarantee that every crush you've ever had in your life can hear it...and with the employees still sitting there watching me; me, the idiot now seen trying to get into White Castle not once but TWICE at 9am in the morning and failing both times.
Being basically in Times Square I assumed the White Castle of all places would be open 24 hours, so imagine my surprise when I yanked the door handle and was met with that CLANG! that's loud enough to guarantee that every crush you've ever had in your life can hear it and therein know to look up to witness your humiliation. Looking through the glass doors I saw that there were a bunch of employees sitting at one of the tables looking at me, so of course I did the thing where I look up & around as if confused and then realize "hey wait a second, this isn’t the address for the goddam Algonquin Round Table!" and I quickly scampered around the corner so the employees couldn’t see me. Since by that point I thought I could smell the White Castles steaming on the grill and my brain is primarily motivated by food, I brilliantly decided I'd check on UberEats to see what time they opened (of course I couldn't slink back to the front door and check the sign so all the employees could see me) and was pleased to see it opened at 9am.
It was 8:59am and while my instinct was to start walking back around the corner & by the time I took the 17 steps of course the door would be open for business, but I was much too clever for that & said “hey dummy, don't go charging in through door at 9:00am on the nose like a jealous high school boyfriend; wait a few minutes and breeze in all cool-like as if you'd only now discovered White Castle.”
I timed it so I'd open the door at 9:04am and of course when I yanked the door handle I was met with that CLANG! that's loud enough to guarantee that every crush you've ever had in your life can hear it...and with the employees still sitting there watching me; me, the idiot now seen trying to get into White Castle not once but TWICE at 9am in the morning and failing both times.
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