Office Crush Thursday, You're Welcome

In honor of my earlier Office Crush post today, here's 5 random lines from The Golden Era of My Office Crushes, during my InTouch Magazine days of 2008-2012. Enjoy! 🤗🕺

Just found out that Pizza Office Crush's boyfriend plays for the New York Rangers...I'll be honest - I do not like my chances at this moment. Grand gesture time - stand in front of her cubicle and eat a live mouse? Suggestions welcome.

Innnnnnnnnn walks My Office Crush. I freeze like a deer in headlights, praying she doesn't come near the microwave and see what I'm "cooking," which of course means she walks right over to it and stands, patiently waiting for my plastic wrapper of turds to slightly warm up so she can heat up the half-cup of whole wheat penne pasta she'd thoughtfully brought from home.

Pizza Office Crush: hey, voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus is voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus. Looks Italian, which is probably why she enjoyed my talk about food on the bus ("what the hell is 'warm salad'? Rich people - they'll eat anything you put in front of them.”)

My Office Crush left me a post-it with a smiley face on it and my backup office crush and I are have now reached "nodding our heads and smiling at each other" status, so you'll excuse me for patting myself on the dick.

I think I have a little crush on a kinda chunky girl. We'll call her Chunky Crush. I'm not sure which animal she is, possibly a bunny rabbit, although I can't see her chompers since she doesn't appear to smile a lot. Presumably because she's 1) chunky 2) reading this.

If Office Turtle Crush thinks making sure I overhear her talking on the phone about an infection she has in her mouth will make me end our relationship that doesn't actually exist, she is gonna be sorely disappointed.

The office kitchen area is near my desk and my Office Crush walked over to it, from which I could hear the sounds of her squeezing out some mustard or mayo or whatever to apply to a sandwich. The sounds from the plastic bottle were QUITE queefy; I was tempted to say, through the wall of my cubicle, "Hey, are you playing with your pussy?"

Is there anything worse than debuting a new shirt at the office and your Office Crush is out for the day? 😡

I just told my Pizza Office Crush an anecdote about Yogi Berra and pizza. If this doesn't get me into her pants, I am officially out of ideas.

I have no greater fear than trying to insert a crumpled-up dollar bill into a vending machine while my Office Crush waits behind me. The fumbling, bumbling sweatiness while trying to insert something into a hole surely does not signal greatness to her, and my pantomime bullshitting of pretending to have inserted the bill and gotten what I wanted probably doesn't help either.

She just came over and asked if anyone had an envelope; I said no but offered crackers that were in my desk. Say hello to my web, little fly!!!!