My Presidency: The Latest

Executive Orders I Promise to Deliver to America on Day 1 of an Xmastime Presidency (so far):

1. Illegal for restaurants to stop adults from ordering off the kiddie menu
2. Only legal to run a goddam leaf blower on Saturdays between 10:30 - 11:30am.
3. No blowing your nose in front of other people
4. Michael Jordan & Charles Barkley have to be best friends again
5. Every tv show has to do a dinner murder mystery bottle episode
6. Any motherfucker on a crowded Subway train wearing a backpack on their back instead of hanging it by their feet will be immediately deported