Here's Me with the Script from Every Episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN From What I've Picked Up Despite Never Actually Watching an Episode

INTERIOR: Living room. Mid-afternoon. Standing there are Alan, Jake and Berta.

[A middle-aged man in a $5,000 suit suddenly walks through the front door into the room with a stunningly beautiful young woman] 

MAN: Everybody, this is my wife Claire

[CLAIRE waves, everybody else waves. In walks CHARLIE SHEEN and hoo boy you’re not gonna believe it but it turns out CHARLIE SHEEN has slept with CLAIRE and so HERE COME THE LAUGHS, everybody!]
 

THE END