As president I'll be nice to all the billionaires IF they can pay & convince Jordan & Barkley to do a nightly poker game live on TV; I don't even care who the other players are, let's just get the shit-talking started with these two old friends coming back to each other after decades of a beyond-stupid feud and see how President Xmastime has united the country without it even noticing.
You're pre-welcome, everybody!
OTHER XMASTIME PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PROMISES (so far)
- All adults will be able to order off the kids menu at restaurants
- Anybody who brags about how they ONLY will make popcorn the old-fashioned way on their stove top goes directly to jail.
- Life in prison for anyone who gives Joe Walsh a free pass for associating himself with the shittiest/most boring band of all time The Eagles
- I promise to make it illegal for Amazon to sell books that have passed into public domain & can be printed out by any shithead with a printer without making it clear on their site
- I will force McDonalds to get rid of its McRib nonsense
- No more blowing your nose in front of other people
- It will only be legal to run a goddam leaf blower on Saturdays between 8:00am-8:59am. No exceptions.
- Michael Jordan & Charles Barkley have to be best friends again
- Every tv show has to do a dinner murder mystery bottle episode
- Serving sizes will make sense to human beings who don't get paid to be food serving size scientists; for instance, one serving of potato wedges would be "one potato wedge" & not some wildly unhelpful "3 oz" bullshit.
- I will make the Dancing in the Dark video disappear form the internet forever. We've all suffered enough, none more than Bruce himself.
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