36 Years, Wasted

A year ago, I wondered HERE about a part of college I had never even known to exist during my college days, a la:

Ooooh, I see we're in the midst of that story arc where Brandon is running for Student Body VP, along with that "surpsise, he's so nebbish!" Jewish guy Josh. He just gave a speech that the campus is buzzing about the next day, it's all anyone's talking about. Now Brandon's giving his thoughts on the voting patterns of the campus conservative, progressives and independents. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Yes, I remember how HUGE campus elections were, how divided we all were in our student political beliefs! Tore us asunder! I have no idea if we even had a student goverment. Nor did I know anybody who knew anybody who even remotely knew we had a student government. The student body president could've given a speech declaring he had dug up Hitler's dick and was going to "feed it to all the niggers along with pieces of Ralph Machio, whom I've just chopped up into a thousand pieces" and nobody would've 1) noticed 2) cared 3) known who the fuck Ralph Machio was. Of course, I went to a state school. Oh, and how does this election end? With assassination, of course. Right. That's remotely plausible. At least now Brandon's prez. I'd have hated him to be stuck in a powerless, do-nothing position like Student Body VP.

I think the same thing whenever I see Andy on The Office boasting about his college a capella group; I'll laugh at what he says because 1) it's funny 2) I assume such a thing would be made up. I mean, there's no way groups of dudes in college do this, right?

Turns out they do:


And of course I'm all set to make fun of the sheer number of Dockers I'm seeing all at once, when all of a sudden I hear GIRLS CHEERING IN THE AUDIENCE! What??? There's an audience? With girls?!?!?!

Wtf am I doing? Every once in a while my band will play at a rock club, where I thunder such rock while cutting heads onstage that the paint don't just peel off the walls from sheer force, it walks out of the club and moves to the suburbs. After all that if I'm lucky, I'll have thought to pay Op $5 to clap politely between each song. And yet here the cast of Lord of the Rings puts on some neckties and sing, and girls go apeshit. Even had I known something like this existed during college, I would've just ragged on them while pounding cases of the Beast and hitting on chicks while not learning how to dance or writing poetry. It's official: I have, up to this moment, done everything in my life EXACTLY WRONG. Fucking christ.

Time to hunker down and Go Costanza.