Does My Genius with the Ladies Ever Cease?

I don't really know why, but nothing seems to turn on the waterworks and make me curl up like a baby bawling "the world is so cruel!!!" like watching a person with a bad stuttering problem (maybe partly due to Herschel.) Which is funny, since a stutterer would probably look at me and think "how has this dumb bastard not hung himself yet?"

Meanwhile, I'm flipping around and land on MTV True Life: I'm a Stutterer, and one of the people featured is Jess, on the right. Not a flattering picture, but the only one I can find. In the show, Jess is fucking balls-hot, and she competes in beauty pageants, which she of course loses because her stuttering freaks everybody out.

As you know, my dream has always been to find a smoking hot chick who has a slight disfigurement (but not in the face):

My plan to have a hot chick who is just slightly disfigured enough to have zero romantic options and who would be thrilled I'm giving her the time of day, albeit with a disfigurement that could be surgically repaired after which she'll still be devoted to me and only me cause I loved her even with the puppy foot (my "gee, are you SURE you want the surgery, don't do it for me, I'll love you regardless" performance will be a YouTube Oscar winner for the ages) has not really panned out yet, but I am proud to announce another gun in my arsenal: finding out wives who are cheating on their husbands, and blackmailing them into fucking me as well. Seriously - is there another level above genius I am now treading upon? WTF? I AM AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But now I might have hit the "Xmastime Hot with Low Self-Esteem  Dreamgirl JACKPOT!" - a stutterer!!! She'll have all the earmarks listed above...AND WON'T WANT TO TALK A LOT!!!!! When I want quiet it'll be quiet, and when I wanna prattle on and on for hours and hours about Jimmy Chitwood or my dream cheeseburger or my blocked extra point at Lancaster, she'll just sit there beaming at me!!!! PLUS nobody could actually SEE her deformity!!! I've done it!!!

Now. Where do outrageously hot women with awful stutters hang out? I wanna get one tonight, asap!!!