Xmastime Movie Review: The Hubbins Movie.

We’ve recently been treated to young Will Larroca’s debut film, The Monster, and its follow-up Will Kill Will, and have been eagerly awaiting for his “Born to Run” make-or-break third release. With The Hubbins Movie, the incredibly short wait is over. And not only is getting to watch the penultimate offering thrilling – this slice of historic celluloid was originally deemed unworthy by Larroca and only saved from its own ashes by his father, making it that most worthy of any type of art: not good enough for the creator, but too good for the masses. Who doesn’t dream of such a legacy – how awesome do you think it’d be for someone to spy me posting one of my favorite vintage Garfield strips and then make me wildly famous, instead of my merely plugging and chugging away every day, typing an endless stream of words while reeking of desperation for everyone’s approval, knowing it will never come and yet unable to stop? Right? How awesome would that be? ANSWER ME! Anyways, back to the film (see below.) 

0:16 – Hey, the kid wants some potato chips. I’m not sure what the chips represent right now, but potato chips are salty and delicious. In other words, I’m hooked already.

0:18 – The haunting credo of our hero never being able to make it to the chips seems to be an existential plea, in the "carpe diem" vein. Or it’s just a case of one’s own relationship with chips and the thrill that comes from having only infrequent dalliances with them. As with cake I, for one, can relate. Now there’s a kid in a fat suit. Looks like a bear. I’d say the bear at the end of The Shining but this is a family-friendly post, so I won’t. You’re welcome, parents trying to raise their children to be smart enough to not read this crap.

And yet somehow, I get the feeling the fat/bear suit symbolizes optimism. It would have to, right? Having the onions to wear such a thing and let someone film it, I mean. Like me on the stairs with my old gang. Maybe there is hope for that generation, after all.

The sing-songy dialogue reminds me of Les Miserables, which I saw for the first time the other night. I’d never seen a musical in which ALL the dialogue was sung, and got a kick out of scenes such as the one in which a roomful of guys receive an announcement that their mentor has died, to which the one closest to the door turns to the other fellows and repeats the announcement. I was praying one of the other guys would beautifully sing back “We know, we were here too, professor”, but he didn’t. Anyway. On a side note I was watching it with a buddy of mine and his wife and about halfway through there was a knock on the door. It was my buddy’s neighbor, who seemed startled that it was my friend who answered the door, sputtering out he’d heard the movie from next door and had assumed “a coupla queers had broken in your apartment, man.” Okay he had just come over to tell my firend he’d left his car lights on, but I thought that version was better. See what you people make me do? God, I hate myself.

1:54 – Oh, good: he got the chips. Well. That was easy.

2:00 – It was a dream. Hmm. An old filmmaker’s trick, which I deem most lazy. Which is only deemed negatively by me because I can't d such a thing with a post. Dammit. 2:18 – On one hand, it’s good to see Larroca adding a female part to his repertoire. On the hand, does he really have to make her dress like Mork from Ork? Not hot, kid. Not hot.OHMIGOD I JUST GOT IT: the Mork reference connects with the carpe diem note, a la Dead Poets Society!!  Jesus, this kid is scratching me where I itch. Transcending both generation and galaxy. Unreal.

2:47 - Now the gotta-get-his-goddam-chips kid slumps to the floor. Who does he think he is, Don Draper?

3:09 Ah, foreign music. Inaccessible, confusing music that nobody who will ever see this movie has in any way, shape or form ever heard, placed in the most pivotal of scenes. In other words, this kid gets it. Now we have dialogue made up of some sort of interstellar, unintelligible language. Brilliant move by the young auteur. Hey, let the audience think of what the hell you’re saying, you’ve got better things to be doing. If Hallmark can sell cards with no text for $2.75, you can stomach a few seconds of Larroca mailing this scene in. You don’t think Babe Ruth ever took an at-bat off every once in a while? And he’s in the Hall of Fame, so calm the hell down already. Larroca’s not merely treading water here, he’s giving the audience the rare opportunity of doing the work for him, the greatest compliment an artist can give his audience, and slightly akin to supermarkets allowing people to bag their own groceries. A simple “thank you, sir” will do just fine here, thank you very much.

5:04 - Q: Is this shot from inside the potato chip bag Larroca’s Scorcese walking through the kitchen scene? A: No. It’s better. You can feel the salty grease of society’s ills reflected in the aluminum mirror of the bag. When I one day find the words that are worthy of describing this brilliance I will use them; until then, I am honored to be silent.

How much dough did Utz throw to the kid? Was there an Utz/Herr’s showdown for the rights?

Unsurprisingly, Larocca saves his Spenserian allegorical best for the last, in which the kid finally eats his precious bag of chips and ta-DA!...loses weight. Yes kids, eating chips will make you fat. But repeatedly walking down a hallway for them and singing the entire time actually burns calories! Don’t simply order stuff at the drive-thru, SING your order to the drive-thru lady. And then freedom, just like with Jean Valjean will, in fact, be yours.

I’ve waited a few minutes to start typing again so you could collect your thoughts after having your mind blown. Only Larroca can take something as banal (albeit tasty) as potato chips and turn it into the very story of man’s thirst for freedom since the beginning of time, even whilst tied down long after the bounds of Earth were loosened. The wait? Worth it. One can only imagine how good the next movie Larroca makes that he actually approves of will be. I, for one, shudder to think.