Friday, January 17, 2025
Something I Learned Today
There is one man on the current list of the World's 50 Oldest People, and he's #44. 😬
TFW...
Sitcom Ideas. I Have Them.
Thursday, January 16, 2025
Office Crush Thursday, You're Welcome
In honor of my earlier Office Crush post today, here's 5 random lines from The Golden Era of My Office Crushes, during my InTouch Magazine days of 2008-2012. Enjoy! 🤗🕺
Just found out that Pizza Office Crush's boyfriend plays for the New York Rangers...I'll be honest - I do not like my chances at this moment. Grand gesture time - stand in front of her cubicle and eat a live mouse? Suggestions welcome.
Innnnnnnnnn walks My Office Crush. I freeze like a deer in headlights, praying she doesn't come near the microwave and see what I'm "cooking," which of course means she walks right over to it and stands, patiently waiting for my plastic wrapper of turds to slightly warm up so she can heat up the half-cup of whole wheat penne pasta she'd thoughtfully brought from home.
Pizza Office Crush: hey, voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus is voluntarily sitting next to someone on a bus. Looks Italian, which is probably why she enjoyed my talk about food on the bus ("what the hell is 'warm salad'? Rich people - they'll eat anything you put in front of them.”)
My Office Crush left me a post-it with a smiley face on it and my backup office crush and I are have now reached "nodding our heads and smiling at each other" status, so you'll excuse me for patting myself on the dick.
I think I have a little crush on a kinda chunky girl. We'll call her Chunky Crush. I'm not sure which animal she is, possibly a bunny rabbit, although I can't see her chompers since she doesn't appear to smile a lot. Presumably because she's 1) chunky 2) reading this.
If Office Turtle Crush thinks making sure I overhear her talking on the phone about an infection she has in her mouth will make me end our relationship that doesn't actually exist, she is gonna be sorely disappointed.
The office kitchen area is near my desk and my Office Crush walked over to it, from which I could hear the sounds of her squeezing out some mustard or mayo or whatever to apply to a sandwich. The sounds from the plastic bottle were QUITE queefy; I was tempted to say, through the wall of my cubicle, "Hey, are you playing with your pussy?"
Is there anything worse than debuting a new shirt at the office and your Office Crush is out for the day? 😡
I just told my Pizza Office Crush an anecdote about Yogi Berra and pizza. If this doesn't get me into her pants, I am officially out of ideas.
I have no greater fear than trying to insert a crumpled-up dollar bill into a vending machine while my Office Crush waits behind me. The fumbling, bumbling sweatiness while trying to insert something into a hole surely does not signal greatness to her, and my pantomime bullshitting of pretending to have inserted the bill and gotten what I wanted probably doesn't help either.
She just came over and asked if anyone had an envelope; I said no but offered crackers that were in my desk. Say hello to my web, little fly!!!!
Bumbling Dafuck
The other day I was swiping thru Bumble LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT when a woman in a wheelchair popped up; I immediately & condescendingly said to myself “hey, good for her!” and condescendingly took a minute to condescendingly admire the life she’d built for herself (“hey, likes travel! Good for her! Get out there girl!”) and was about to swipe her left and out of my life forever while patting myself on the back for being such a great guy when to my horror I accidentally swiped right. Long story slightly less longer, I spent the next few days dreading opening Bumble and seeing she’d accepted what to her would rightfully be a show of romantic interest and would reach out to me, that I’d given a ray of light to someone who may have otherwise lived in the darkness when it came to the joys of the heart. What kind of monster was I? How could I have let this happen?
Finally I opened the app to see no response from her so now that's fucking got me spiraling "dafuck who does she think she is??/dafuck kind of loser am I that I can't even get a wheelchair chick??" while trying not to be so condescending as to be insulted by all of this and you can guess how well it's going.
Finally I opened the app to see no response from her so now that's fucking got me spiraling "dafuck who does she think she is??/dafuck kind of loser am I that I can't even get a wheelchair chick??" while trying not to be so condescending as to be insulted by all of this and you can guess how well it's going.
We Love You Bob Uecker 🥲🤣🤣
Advice for Young People. I Have It.
PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE
I'll Say This.
Coming into the office when everybody else is staying home because of snow is tricky because if only exactly one other person of the same gender shows up then each of you is gonna know who it was that destroyed the bathroom at some point during the day. 😬
To Kill a Williamsburg Watchman
Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman - and I use those words lightly since we know her agent barely waited for her dead body to get cold before sending it to the publisher despite Lee insisting it never be published - was pretty shitty & a complete waste of time but when reading it you can point out the exact paragraph that her agent pulled in order to urge Lee to write To Kill a Mockingbird & therein setting it in motion as an absolutely faucets-clearing cash cow for centuries.
My questions are 1) which paragraph from my first book will some publisher pull out to get me to write what will one day be MY absolutely faucets-clearing cash cow for centuries and 2) will it be this one:
My questions are 1) which paragraph from my first book will some publisher pull out to get me to write what will one day be MY absolutely faucets-clearing cash cow for centuries and 2) will it be this one:
Once inside the classroom, I was startled to see three other men with kids. I’d never seen one other guy in class before, much less three. I quickly determined that they’d just lost their jobs, meaning here were three more dudes I’d have to compete against for a job when my Manny tour of duty soon ended. Great. Perfect timing. I’d be going up against their Wall Street-packed résumés by having the goddam Cookie Monster as a reference. And of course along with silent nods of acknowledgement they each gave me the "so, you too, huh?" look, as if I too was a victim of corporate downsizing and in their little country club. I didn’t even bother giving them the "this is my two-hundred and fourteenth straight class - if the teacher gets assassinated in the middle of arts and crafts, guess who takes over?" look.
It really IS too late for this little dream, unfortunately:
I hope she realizes that at 85 there's not a lot of time left and really needs to get moving if she and John Grisham are ever gonna get together and give us A Time to Kill a Mockingbird. - XMASTIME
Pretend Relationship Questions. I Have Them.
Early this morning I said hi to my office crush as she was heading into the ladies room; the next time I see her which may be this afternoon should I say something to forge more of a connection with her like “hey, just now getting outta the can huh?”?
Thoughts. I Have Them.
We’ve learned over the the last 10 years that pretty much everything Donald Trump accuses other people of doing, it turns out he does himself so….nobody’s thought about him stealing this last election?
I mean of course I don’t think he did but it’s pretty funny that this guy spent all these years whining & crying about stolen elections, we know my above statement about his accusations to be true, and yet after the election was deemed over at like 9:30 on Election night everybody just shrugged their shoulders “I guess that’s that” and the subject hasn’t come up once as far as I can tell, even in jest, which after all of our experience with this shithead just seems pretty weird. 🤔🤷♂️
I mean of course I don’t think he did but it’s pretty funny that this guy spent all these years whining & crying about stolen elections, we know my above statement about his accusations to be true, and yet after the election was deemed over at like 9:30 on Election night everybody just shrugged their shoulders “I guess that’s that” and the subject hasn’t come up once as far as I can tell, even in jest, which after all of our experience with this shithead just seems pretty weird. 🤔🤷♂️
People are Weird
Absolute All-Time NYC Legend
Larry suspects his dogwalker keeps changing his acoustic guitar to a non-standard tuning when he's out of the house.
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
I've been really good about bringing my own lunch to work every day to save some $$$$ which is good but it also means having the discipline to make it past the socially-acceptable 11:30am before eating it is always a 50-50 proposition. [CUT TO THAT SCENE IN THE SOPRANOS WITH VITO IN NEW HAMPSHIRE TRYING TO HOLD OFF EATIG LUNCH UNTIL LATER IN THE DAY]
Something I Learned Today
If my postal code was the same number as days I've lived then I would be living in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
PRO TIP FROM YOUR OLD PAL XMASTIME: try the cheesesteak!!!
PRO TIP FROM YOUR OLD PAL XMASTIME: try the cheesesteak!!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2025
Hmmm...
Poor Interior Utility Design
RIP Diane Langton, II
Of course the other Only Fools and Horses episode Diane Langton starred as Junie Snell in other than Happy Returns was A Royal Flush, i.e. nobody's favorite:
While the dinner scene towards the end of the episode was being filmed, writer John Sullivan was filming Just Good Friends in Paris. Sullivan said he later regretted this and was unhappy with the scene. Producer Ray Butt agreed and took responsibility for the scene, stating that he thought "David [Jason] went a bit over the top" and that "Del turned too nasty and lost his warmth." Later, Jason also conceded that "perhaps that scene wasn't as good as it could have been."
David Jason, John Sullivan and Ray Butt all considered this to be the worst episode of the series. In a 2003 interview, when Sullivan was asked what one thing he would have done differently while writing the series, he replied that he would not have made this episode.
Del's out-of-character cruelty throughout the episode and, in particular the dinner table scene, could be accountable to the fact that only a few months before, Rodney scuppered Del's opportunity to go to Australia to be a partner in Jumbo Mills company. He could therefore have been harbouring a lot of bitterness toward Rodney, thus seizing his chance to completely ruin things for him in return.
The seemingly darker style of this episode's story did not go down well with the original TV broadcast audience, or the hardcore fan base, especially as Del Boy seemed to be out of character, and the longer episode format seemed to have lost its established feelgood vibe. The production troubles, lack of live studio audience reactions, and also the fact John Sullivan regretted writing this episode, suggests that this episode can be skipped.
I can agree with all of that but I also kinda have it in the "meh, it's fine" category (a small fraternity within OFAH!) but it does have genuine LOL bits such as the Iggy Iggins thing but it's also let down by its lack of a laugh track; I know we're all supposed to have evolved past the silly ol' laugh track from the olden days but when you're so used to it like you are on a show like Only Fools and Horses it really makes it super-odd/jarring when it's not there and it doesn't help tings if it's already a not-so-classic episode to begin with. 🤔🤷♂️
As Ray Davies Said: Thank You for the Days 🥲
🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
First Commandment: I am the LORD your God; you shall not have strange gods before me
Second Commandment: You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain
Third Commandment: Remember to keep holy the LORD's Day
Republicans love Trump so much because he’s like their God: incredibly powerful but incredibly petty.
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