The First Mrs. Xmastime List of 2006 (but prolly not the last....)

In no particular order:

AMY HOYBACH
(best friend of girlfriend in college)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 681
PROS: over the top, beautiful beautiful face - the prototype Mrs. Wilson "Horse Face" (that’s a compliment from me, people). Wonderful, sweet person. Tall. Looooved Neil Diamond.
CONS: I have no idea where she is, or if she's dead or alive. Knows I wasn't a good boyfriend in college. Was there the night I drunk-pissed on my girl in bed (sorry baby!).
ODDS OF US HAPPENING: 5%. Probably happily married out west somewhere, skiing all damn day. If it didn't happen in clllege when I was a 195-lb wonderstud with hopes & dreams, it's probably not gonna happen now that I'm a 250-lb old guy that's hooked on that dude from O-Town's reality show after only 1 episode.

JUDITH LIGHT
(actress, best known as Angela Bower on “Who’s the Boss”)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 1,016
PROS: Beautiful, successful, rich. Appeared bald on Broadway….and if the curtains match the carpet….
CONS: has no idea I'm alive. Married to some chucklehead for the last 600 years. Will hafta take a lot of heat for dating someone in her 50s. Might be cold in the beginning, thinking I'm using her to get to Sam or Mona.
ODDS: 10%. I say 10 because hey, isn’t the new thing in Hollywood older women dating younger men? And once I start quoting “Who’s The Boss”, camon.

PHYLICIA RASHAD
(Claire Huxtable!!)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 967
PROS: beautiful, rich, successful. Will probably open the door to me hanging out with Bill Cosby (and Lisa Bonet???!?!?!?). Always wears tight, silk blouses (at least on “The Cosby Show.”) Her sister Debbie can teach me how to dance. Also, she just got a divorce from Ahmad Rashad, so she’s probably had enough of rich, successful handsome men.
CONS: I’m pretty sure she’s almost 80. One of her THREE ex-husbands was one of the Village People. OJ was best man at her last wedding, which means there’s a good chance he will, you know, …kill me.
ODDS: 0%. zilch. waaaaay too classy for me. Would not cross the street to kick me in the nuts, and I wouldn’t blame her. Feel ashamed I used the phrase "my nuts" in the very presence of her name.

TRACY CROXTON
(high school girlfriend)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 832
PROS: have a history together. (many. many. MANY years ago.) Possibly remembers me as a strapping, 190-lb football stud from the late 80s. Once gave me a keychain with a picture of us at Kings Dominion. MIGHT still have my letter jacket, would be great gettin that back.
CONS: married. Knows that if you break up with me I turn into a crying, whining squirrel with no testicles.
ODDS: 100%. Haven't you been reading this blog all along, asshole? WE'RE BUILDING A LIFE TOGETHER!!

LACEY KANE
(friend from Williamsburg)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 176
PROS: smoking hot, and has no idea how hot she is. Legs go on for days. Went to Duke! Crazed football fan, has family ties to the Pittsburgh Steelers AND Joe Paterno!
CONS: smarter than me. Not that I have a problem with that usually, but we’re talking a difference of about 300 IQ points here. There’s a good chance she thinks I’m retarded. Also has a mega-serious boyfriend. And if we ever did hook up, it would coincide with her realizing she’s super-hot, the standard “Librarian Takes off Glasses and Turns into Carmen Elektra” routine, thus leaving me a broke-down mess with nobody but Theodore to comfort me. And you can probably guess how that would go.
ODDS: 95%. I’ve got some new shoes, a new belt and an olive sportcoat. Look for us to be registered at Food Lion.

DENISE RICH
(ex-wife of Mark rich, dude pardoned by Clinton)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 198
PROS: Another horse-face, and with over-tanned orange skin that gives her a slutty, fake look. Always seems to wear silky sexy clothes. RICH. Can hook me up with Bill Clinton. Has that “happy-dumb-fuck-bunny” look, so I might be able to fool her into hooking up with me.
CONS: Appears to live on another planet. Also she’s a “songwriter”, so I’ll be forced to sit there while she plays me her dreadful Lilith Fair-esque cuts. Ugh. Also, looks to be too dumb even for me. Would drive Theodore insane with her comments during "Entertainment Tonight"
ODDS: 20%. Might be the only girl on this list I’d hafta dump after a few weeks. “Denise! Shut up! You’re an idiot!! And your songs SUCK!!”

JENNIFER RISKO
(girl I met in college)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 792
PROS: again, beautiful equine-styled face. Was a world traveler, as I recall. Made my heart leap outta my chest when I saw her in some freshman history class. Spurred me on to show my “romantic” side by simply walking up to her and saying “Hi I’m Greg. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”
CONS: followed up my big speech by telling me she was dating All-SEC qb Eric Zeir. hmm. blew me off on our one big “date” by GOING TO A DIVISION 2 BASKETBALL GAME WITH HER FRIENDS!!! Haven’t seen her in 15 years. If you showed her my name & face would have no idea who I was.
ODDS: 1%. Probably not even that high; I just don’t wanna give anyone else the unanimous “Fuck you, Greg” reserved for Phylicia Rashad.

JESSICA SIMPSON
(you know)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 22
PROS: super-hot, with SMOKING hot body. Loaded with dough. Would be easy for her to get my reality show on MTV. Probably personally knows Catherine Bach, the inspiration for my first manage-a-mois experience. Coming outta her marriage, having only been with one dude prolly all set to spend a few years learning how to be a raging fuck machine.
CONS: woulda hafta spend Thanksgivings with that atrocious toad of a sister. Would have to act nonplussed when her creepy dad feels her up while talking about how “dynamite!!!” she looks in a two-piece.
ODDS: 50%. Might wanna be with someone “normal”, might be dumb enough to fall for me when I convince her I invented the riff wherein right when someone’s about to get in the passenger side door, you pull the car up a coupla feet and repeat over & over.

CINDY PRICE
(neighborhood friend)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 114
PROS: great looking, face that beams, athletic. Looooooves food – eating food, talking about food, thinking about food. Only girl I know that would fight me over the last McNugget. Writes for NY Times. Loves Garfield, and has made a Mrs. Xmastime t-shirt.
CONS: has a serious boyfriend. BF is a vegetarian, I’m not sure how that carries over to other relationships. Better softball player than me – what I DON’T need from people: more crap. Only girl I know that would fight me over the last McNugget.
ODDS: 33%. If I realize my dreams of owning a Mickey D’s franchise, she’s in. If not, it’s me & Theodore and a dog named Boo.

ELIZABETH COCHET
(friend from Oxford, MS)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 561
PROS: ridiculously, over the top smoking hot. Horse faced like I dream about. Southern preacher’s daughter, so probably crazier in the sack than Lori Singer from Footloose. Well, before that dude slapped her around “I was bout done with you anyways!!”
CONS: no idea where she is. probably only thinks of me as “my friend Jen’s nice, ugly, jovial friend who’s like a brother to me!” so hot she probably hasn’t had to move between the sheets ever. What am I saying? Get her in the damn sheets, I’ll do all the moving. What’s my credo? If it moves, fuck it. If it don’t move, fuck it till it does.
ODDS: 2%. Probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightning while being eaten by a shark that has the words to “How Much for that Doggie in the Window?” printed on its stomach.

VETERAN’S COMMITTEE WRITE-IN:
KATE OPALACK-WATTS (retired)
Was the #1 vote-getter throughout the late 90s. Let’s take this opportunity to thank Kate for her wonderful service in this field. She did a lot to get off this list – sister to my best friend, got married to a guy I like (grrr!) and now has even gotten pregnant. Bringing another human being into the world so that you get removed from the Mrs. Wilson list – stand up, gentlemen, and show a little respect: Mrs. Wilson is leaving the room!