My boy Dave picked this book up off the street the other day and gave it to me as a joke, but then yesterday I found myself reading it (yes, I still have huge, amazing bordering-on-the-absurdly large testicles.) The book tells the tales of a lady in Manhattan who goes on different dates for about a year, every Friday night. She's on a quest for love and spends each Friday night out with a different suitor who takes her to dinner, drinks, dancing etc. Then it dawns on me - why aren't I doing this??!!?!? Go on a date every Friday night with a different lady until I find Mrs. Xmastime!! So I quickly thought of a few ground rules:
1) Be dressed. Don't be showing up in your sweats "Hi, just wanted to meet you!" This is a ROMANTIC date. I'm not looking for any new friends. I'm not looking to play foosball over a coupla pints. Something sexy, even: show a lil skin, definitely some leg. And of course I’ll offer you the same courtesy.
2) Yes, I will probably sleep with you. Unless of course you're ugly, in which case I would have already pretended not to see you at our preordained meeting place anyways. Though by "ugly", I pretty much only mean "a man, or Tonya Harding.”
3) No vegetarians please. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person and the cows thank you, but I’m a meat guy. Meat for breakfast, meat for lunch, meat for dinner, meat during the game after dinner, meat while brushing my teeth to go to bed, meat in bed while I’m counting lamb chops, and meat after I’ve left your body limp after a trip to majestic heights of orgasm you don’t even know to dream about. After that, I’m thinking taquitos.
4) If you promise to not talk about old boyfriends I promise not to talk about how my first “ménage a moi” session was to Catherine Bach on a balmy October day after school.
So send an email to ilovexmastime@yahoo.com if you think you’ve got what it takes to be Mrs. Xmastime! Tell me who you are, what you’re like, and, most importantly, how much you think you could learn to like me. After each date I will post how it went. And don’t worry, I wouldn’t expect you to pay much more than $150-$200 for the date. It’s not about the money, dawg! We’re searching for love!!!
3 comments:
Scenerio #1: Joyce is very attractive, laughs at your jokes, likes her red meat chopped and can afford to keep you very comfortable at home. She's 50something and wild about you. Are you ready for her?
Scenario #2: Kyla is a trans-gendered female, thinks your gutteral he-man rumination's remind her of her own father's, loves Taquitos, and feels as if her previous experience as a sport-loving man is right up your alley. She's 27 and you're in her sight-lines.
Scenerio #3: Ruth is a cockeyed jewbagel who's single hope is to be entangled in the bedsheets of the man of her choosing. Meanwhile her parents have already prearranged for Ruth to marry Schloimy, the local Moyle. Ruth can wrap her legs around you twice, will shower with you, is willing to break Kosher AND have your babies. Pick Ruth and multiply.
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