Things are Good, Part X

1) Did everyone enjoy the countless hours of Mardi Gras revelry the news networks beamed for you to peep at? Was great, right? “Hey hey, New Orleans is BACK!!” I guess it’s supposed to assuage our guilt over how INCREDIBLY AWFUL our government treated Hurricane Katrina. “Oh great, yeah, no problem, Mardi Gras already back, what’s the big deal?” The people who might not have enjoyed the footage would be, of course, the very people who, you know, had to flee New Orleans after their homes and lives were destroyed. I’m sure that those people were sitting in their government trailers in Houston watching the tv (if they had one) and thinking “Oh, great, the rich people are back and they’re okay!! They’re whooping it up, having a great time! Yes!!!!!!!!!!”

2) I mean, seriously. This would be akin to us spending 4 years with an adminstration that is intent on us being completely raped at the gas lines and drugstores, lying to us about a war, having tax cuts that help only the ultra-rich, and generally having any future for ourselves or our children/grandchildren tossed into the toilet (all while, of course, driving other countries to hate our guts) and then standing up after 4 years and cheering wildly while we elect the same administration right back into office, THRILLED that the rich are about to get even richer and the “regular folks” are even more screwed than ever. “YES!!! Halliburton is REALLY gonna clean up now!! If only I could afford my pills so I could live long enough to see them actually come take my house!! Go get ‘em guys!!” I mean, that doesn’t happen right? That’s TOO crazy, right?

3) I’m glad to see that the US Supreme Court is finally getting to the bottom of the whole Anna Nicole Smith thingee. Hey, why they’re at it I hope they crack the cases of “Are Tyra’s Titties Real?” and “Does Tera Patrick REALLY Enjoy On-Screen Anal?” Newbies John Roberts and Sam Alito must be thrilled. “This is incredible! More hot wings, please!”

4) For all you people who think Paddy Mac is so cute and adorable, I’d be careful…apparently he’s putting together a list of people he hates. Let’s hope you’re not on that list, people.

5) The other day I walked by a magazine stand and there was a Penthouse with Jenna Jameson on the cover with the headline “Jenna…as You’ve NEVER Seen Her Before!!” I’m like, what does that mean? Jenna fully dressed in a library reading to children? Jenna in a nice pantsuit watching the game? OHHH, wait, it’s Jenna getting drilled by 2 dudes with her face in a doggy dish. Hmm. Sorry, but yes, we have seen this before.

6) When is someone from ‘American Idol’ finally gonna do what I’ve been screaming at those ‘Apprentice’ losers to do for years? I’ve always said that if I was on the ‘Apprentice’, let’s face of it, the odds of you actually winning are fairly slim. BUT when you get fired, instead of genuflecting “Thank you King Trump, thank you!” and slinking off, I’ve always thought you should fucking flip out, cause a scene. “WHAT? YOU’RE firing me? FUCK THAT, I’M firing YOU, motherfucker!!!” and try to flip that table over. Cause you KNOW that there’s a million hotshots around the world that HATE Trump and when they see the clip of you telling T-rump to go fuck himself, they’ll hire you for $200,000/year just to hang out, smoke cigars and tell everyone how you told Trump to go fuck himself. Genius, right? Same with Idol. Instead of thanking Simon after he tells you you’re the worst singer in the world, flip the fuck out on him. You’d be instantly famous and could really cash in, instead of having to compete with 20,000 other people and actually having to be, you know, talented. We’re still having that William Hung guy fucking pop up for chrissake, he’s still ca$hing in. Camon people, think!!

7) I am currently preparing another website devoted to my incredibly elaborate, almost unbearable-for-those-who-loved-me 14-hour funeral service. Included will be my list of song choices (“The Cuts”) and some skits I will have prepared (“The Skits”)acting out various scenes from my life. I do feel bad for my buddy Op, upon whom I have placed the most chores on that darkest of days (no, I’m not calling it a fucking “celebration” – anyone there “celebrating” instead of being physically overcome with grief over my passing will be dealt with by Op. I’m putting it in black and white right here: not now, nor will I ever proclaim that I want people having a good time at my funeral. Therefore the first fuckwad that says “Hey, Xmastime would want us to have fun” gets a boot heel to the throat. This I promise.), including jobs like making sure all my past lovers are seated together so that they can try to out-grieve each other and scoring the “What Xmastime Meant to Me” essays. So be on the lookout for this site in the near future. Also, I’m putting this down in black & white too: not now, nor will I ever proclaim that I want my wife to get remarried. If she starts throwing out that garbage “Oh Xmastime would want me to move on and be happy” SHE’S LYING!! DON’T BELIEVE HER!!! I’m looking to assign someone the job of making sure she visits the cemetery at least once a week and hurls herself on my grave wailing uncontrollably for an hour or so. Let me know who’s up for that one.

8) As he lay there taking it, Reggie wondered if all this was really worth the dinner date at Pizza Hut.