Things are Good, Part XIII

1) I keep hearing people on tv say something like “You know, if your father heard you say that he’d turn over in his grave.” What the hell is this? The WORST thing we can think of is someone turning over in their grave, MAYBE harrumphing loudly with their disdain? Wow. “Oh no!! What if Pop can awake from the dead, hear what I was saying, and TURN OVER in the box we stuffed him in six feet in the ground!! Man, that would be awful!!!” Assuming said person COULD actually do something, wouldn’t we be more inclined to say “If your father could hear you now, he’d get up out of his grave and walk over here and beat the living shit out of you.” Now that might get my attention. Thinking that MAYBE someone in a faraway grave turned over doesn’t really make me decide to NOT set up a pyramid scheme to rip off Brownie troops. When I was a kid it was always “When your father gets home he’s going to KILL you”, which would of course scare the hell outta me. If my mother had said “If your father could magically hear you speak 47 miles away from here, he’d be so furious he’d spin around once in his office chair”, then i mean, camon.

2) I’m a little weirded out by this being the 13th installment of “Things are Good.” I’m not saying I have triskaidekaphobia (the fear of the Number 13, eggheads) but I’m definitely aware of it. For instance, I avoid 13th floors. And my 13th beer is usually hard on me. If I have $13 in my pocket, I always get rid of one dollar. I don’t like that my first and last name combine to make 13 letters. Hell, maybe I DO have triskaidekaphobia. And yes, I’ve spent the last 5 minutes trying to make a joke re: triskaiDICKaphobia being the fear of chicks being scared of my 13-inch cock, but maybe it’s time to move on.


3) Theodore attended his first dinner party the other night. Little guy was so proud of himself! What the hell IS that yellow stuff on that pasta, though?

"That's right -I'm drinkin, bitches!! Fuck you I AM DRINKING!! I'm gonna pound this shit then hit the Nest and fucking RAGE, you little bitches!! drink! drink! drink!! drink!"

8 seconds later. Hmm.

The next morning. Oh, he'll tell you he's fishing for a quarter he dropped. But we know SOMEone's puking his own stuffing out. Poor bastard.

4)Babies having babies. I believe I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking: Slut.


5) If you had been Buzz Aldrin on Apollo 11, wouldn’t you at least have thought about shoving Neil Armstrong aside and being the first man on the moon? I’ve read a lot about how he always resented Armstrong stepping on the moon first, him being the Commander of the flight. Hey, asshole – there was NO ONE ELSE ON THAT WHOLE WORLD!!! Who coulda stopped you? Let’s see: shove Armstrong aside and be known as the first man to set foot on another world, or as the guy named after the sound a vibrator makes. Tough one.


6) Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly squeeze in any more amazingly bad television, I’ve found myself hooked on that fucking Lisa Loeb reality show. The one where we cry for Lisa cause she’s searching for Mr. Perfect and dammit, sometimes being rich and famous and cute and having a working vagina just isn’t enough!!! Anyways, she’s primping for some big date she’s got and her stylist (another thing I have in my life that I take for granted – my personal stylist! XOXOXO thanks always Angelo!!) cutting her eyelashes with scissors. I don’t know if that really seems worth it. First of all, if this dude even remotely notices ANYTHING about your eyelashes then at least you’ll have something in common to talk about at dinner: how much you both love sucking dick. I’ve stared into the eyes of many a woman I’ve loved before (while counting to 25, which is the appropriate amount of time before you can then reach out and grab some chest fat) and I can’t say I’ve ever noticed their eyelashes. So to risk having a sharp pair of scissors accidentally dig into my eyeball for someone who won’t even see them seems a bit odd. Especially if, you know, YOU FUCKING WEAR GLASSES!!!!!!!

















7) Prayer MIGHT not help heart patients. Really? THIS is fucking news these days?!?!?! Hmmm…gee, the thoughts in my head that I try to transmit to some pretend fairy in the sky that I don’t even know exists DOESN’T help cure the human heart? Wow!! What about “does prayer have an affect on winning the lottery?” Or “does prayer make the 11 girls out there I may have impregnated NOT be having my baby?” Well. Maybe 8. By “8” I mean “2”. Okay, zero. Please God, PLEEEEEEEEASE let me fucking get laid soon…


8) I just got an email where someone used the phrase “extremely unique.” Now I feel sad for the people that are merely “unique.” How far do I have to go to be “extremely” unique? I guess me piercing my nipples would make me “unique”; me piercing YOUR nipples before cutting them off and putting them in my pocket would make me “extremely” unique.

9) Nope. Prayer still not working. Great.