Things are Good, Part XIV

1) If you have a snake for a “pet”, then you’re an asshole. “Say, what’s the most worthless, unaffectionate lump of shit that I can cage up as a pet to have in my room and scare people? Hey, a snake!” What is with these people. And they’re so excited to have you come look at this fucking thing too. Wow, there it is…coiled up in the corner of an aquarium, not moving for days. Great. Why don’t you just show me a fucking 2-liter bottle of Pepsi, it’s the same shit. “There it is, wow…hold on, it’ll move…well, maybe in a few hours.” Yes, I know it’s a life-changing thrilling event if you happen to be there every 6 months when they get fed a live mouse. I guess we’re supposed to be impressed with how scary having a snake is, you know, locked up in a box. Wow. Tell you what, you have a free-roaming snake in your bedroom, I’ll be impressed. Til then, the only time I wanna “see your snake” is if I’m paying you $5 to piss my name on your girlfriend’s tits.

2) I’m surprised at how much time “The Sopranos” has devoted to being horrified that Vito is gay. Throughout the show’s run, every fucking scene some fat schlubs are playing grab-ass while saying hello/goodbye, but then they’re horrified about Vito being gay? Has there ever been a show in the history of the world with so much man-kissing and hugging? Well, MAYBE Major League Baseball, but that’s it.





















3) This might just be a New York City thing, but it drives me insane when I’m at a bodega to buy some shit, then the guy rings me up using a calculator or a cash register buried behind lotto tickets and he just looks at me without telling me how much I owe. Wtf. Should I just started handing you money til you get tired? If I guess the right price, do I get my shit for free? Christ. This is a close cousin to grocery stores that don’t bother putting the prices on items. Hey, I’m sorry my name isn’t Bill Fucking Gates and I have to actually know how things are adding up as I stroll your precious aisles. I need to know if I’ll have enough for my $45 “real chocolate from Switzerland” impulse buy at the counter. Assholes.

4) I’m a godfather now, which means I have to know enough to give the little man some advice as he gets older. I don’t know much in this world, but what I do know I’m happy to pass on:

a. IT’S NEVER OKAY TO HIT A GIRL ...unless she SERIOUSLY won’t shut the fuck up during the game. But all it takes is a little pop to the schnozz, nothing crazy. She’ll shut up; don’t go nuts trying to bury a beer bottle in her skull. Cause ooooooooohh nooooooooooo, then you’ll be “disrespecting women.” Fuck.

b. DON’T EVER OWN A CAT ...unless your live-in boyfriend insists. Hey, guess whose godfather won’t be visiting THAT bachelor pad anytime soon?

c. DON’T BE A BULLY ...Don’t waste time shoving little kids around when you need to be focusing on fucking your hot teachers, since that’s apparently how it’s done these days.

d. LEARN HOW TO DANCE ...and I mean “real” dancing, not slow dancing. Dancing is the only homo-activity I will sign off on – chicks fucking LOVE guys that can dance. The only advice my mother ever gave me: learn to type and dance. Well, I can prolly hit 50 wpm, but the second I’m on a dance floor and the song isn’t “Making Love Out of Nothing at All”, I pull the ol’ “knee injury” bullshit so I don’t hafta fast dance. Meanwhile the one guy that’s spinning around the dance floor like me at the Pizza Hut buffet is getting grinded on by every chick in the room and will most likely go home with my date while I’m getting taquitos at 7-11 with the other lame-ass fucks who don’t dance. “the Guys.” Christ.

Well. I guess that’s all I’ve really learned all these years. Fuck.


5) I see Osama Bin Laden has been making more videotapes. Why is this even news; I thought Bush “didn’t care” where he was, that it didn’t matter. Which, I guess, makes me wonder why every time we get “the #2 guy!!!” it’s plastered on the front page and we clear out the Canyon of Heroes for Prez Fuckwad. How many times can we get excited about catching the #2 guy anyways; eventually won’t the guy have originally been like the “94th guy”? So what? We’ll just keep going I guess, til we hit this guy:






MAYBE then we’ll all realize hey, unless it’s actually Bin Laden who gives a shit.


6) A shout-out to my friends at Football Fans for Truth, who listed Xmastime as one of the 10 Funniest people alive. I hate being last on the list, it means I’m the first person bumped once K-Fed’s album drops. Fuck!

7)






Don’t worry guys, I didn’t forget you earlier when talkin bout kissing. Isiah, get back to work - the Knicks aren’t going to finish driving THEMSELVES into the ground, now are they?








8)




















5 nipples, and Clyde picks the rubber one. Sigh.