I'm Done Riding the Crimson Wave

No more of this ridiculous shit about what a comic genius Will Ferrell is. Like everyone else, I loved him on SNL. He was Phil Hartman reincarnate: was in every sketch and had a brilliant deadpan face. Each of his movie choices, however, have been more and more dubious as the years have gone on - we get it, you're the doofus everyman with a heart of gold. Wonderful. Oh gee, here's Will Ferrell with the rest of the Frat Pack - the Wilson brothers, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn blah blah blah. Christ. But the last straw came tonight. I'm flipping around and land on "Kicking and Screaming" the flick about him as a soccer coach for kids. I'm like fuck it, I'll give it a shot. The first thing I see is him giving a bit of a pep talk to the kids, then turning around to run onto the field and......he trips. Gets overrun by the kids. Wow. "Comedy." I roll my eyes and decide I'd better change the channel before the inevitable "gets hit in the nuts" moment comes. So I settle back into a nice episode of...something. Whatever. Anyways later on I flip back to it, and there he is about to play tetherball with his overly-competitive prick father. I guess the producers told Robert Duvall they were making a sequel to "The Great Santini" so he'd agree to do the movie without reading the "script." Anyways, WHAT DO YOU KNOW!!!!!!! Within seconds Will Farrell gets hit in the nuts by the ball. Wow!! Then BOOYAH!! Hit in the head!!! Yowsa!!!! Been there, brother!! And to wrap things up he hits HIMSELF in the head, but not before we get the patented "Will Farrell takes off his shirt to show that he's flabby and hairy" moment. That's as far as I got in the flick as I was on the ground convulsing with laughter and trying to fight off the myocardial infarction.

Jesus fucking christ. This is the best we can fucking do? Here's a film that was given tens of millions of dollars to produce, had it's choice of any "genius" comedy writers in the biz, and were handed the POTENTIALLY funny Will Ferrell. Was handed the ingredients to do something great, yet at some writer's meeting someone said "hey...let's have Will get hit in the nuts, then he'll take off his shirt!!" and he was probably given first choice of that night's hookers and blow. Unbelievable. I didn't pay a dime and I feel ripped off; I can't believe the poor bastards that paid $10 to sit through this steaming pile.

I have a theory. About a decade ago, I started reading all these articles about all these Harvard graduates that were heading out to Hollywood to write movies and sitcoms. The first of the bunch being, I guess, Conan O'Brien. Who actually IS funny. All of a sudden, these guys decided to eschew law, politics, public service and business and instead took their smarts to Tinseltown. I remember at the time thinking how cool that was; after all, the smartest people I knew personally were also the funniest. I thought it was cool that these young, smart dudes were saying "no" to running the world, being a part of corporate America and were gonna do somehting cool with tv and the movies.

Well. Here we are 10 years later - the country is in absolute ruins with no leadership in sight while we are pummeled by sitcoms that alternate between "goofball, idiot husband who keeps forgetting his beautiful, successful wife's birthday but darn it, she loves the big lug anyway!!" and "group of great looking, neurotic friends who sit around and despair about all the sex they're having" while movie studios refuse to release a movie unless it's a sequel, a prequel, a re-make, or an update of a cartoon, comic strip or tv show. And DON'T even get me started on the OFFENSIVELY unfunny Saturday Night Live. I think it's time that the best and brightest of these Ivy League schools get back to running the country and let the old Jewish guys from Flatbush get back to doing the comedy from now on. I do give credit where due, however - the Harvard dudes weren't smart enough to write laugh-out-loud, smart, topical sitcoms/movies, but they were smart enough to realize that as long as we fucking idiots thoughout the country would keep pumping our money into their coffers, the powers that be would be fine with them retreading the same old, tired, fucking embarassing NON-funny bullshit over and over. Enough's enough. You tried, and you fucking suck at it, now get back to becoming lawyers. I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, this country needs another lawyer more than it needs "Cheaper by the Dozen 3."

A New Low, Part 1

…I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream wherein I was masturbating. And WITHIN this dream I was having I was fantasizing about having sex with some chick. While beating off. Is this what it’s come to? I can’t even DREAM about fucking girls, now even when fantasizing I hafta jack off? What the fuck?!?!?!?!!!

Things are Good, Part XV

1) I went to Yankee Stadium the other night with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur). Is there anything better than going to a baseball game? Nyet. The food, the open air, the bright colors of the field, everything's perfect. EXCEPT. What the fuck is up with the between-innings ROARING sound system - I wanna kick back, relax, talk to my buddy while the teams switch on the field and I'm barraged with this sound system that is apparently powered by jet engines. Are they scared that if there's not constant action on the field, I'll leave? christ. IT'S BASEBALL - nothing EVER happens on the field!!!!! And then during big moments I've got the scoreboard screaming at me to get up and MAKE SOME NOISE!! GET EXCITED!!!!!! Jesus. Dude, I'm fucking excited already; Im at the damn game! I know the bases are loaded and Jeter's up, I'm not fucking reading "The Bridges of Madison County" in the goddam stands. I know you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just paid $9 for a fucking hot dog, but enough.

2) I love it when dudes in movies shove guns down the front of their pants to hold them. Cause I’m like yeah, if there’s any chance a gun might accidently go off I wanna make sure it blows my genitals off before anything else.

3) With warm weather coming up I’m bracing myself for the inevitable advice we’ll get during the first heat wave: “Stay inside with the air conditoning on.” Really? Wow, thanks! Because I was gonna cover myself in maple syrup, put on my heaviest wool sweater and spin in circles on the baking asphalt for a while. “Stay inside with the ac on.” If I could do that, Professor, then I wouldn’t give 2 shits about the heat, now would I? That’s like if I wanna be a millionaire, “Have a million dollars in the bank!” Thanks, JP Morgan.

4) We’re in America, so quit fucking saying “cheers!” when drinking. Whenever anyone says that I automatically think “must be gay.” The only way you can get away with this is if you’re actually British. Which is ironic, since if you’re British, I’ll think you’re gay.

5) I think the difference between men and women is that if a woman thinks her man is cheating on her, she pictures him being in love, having intimate conversations with the other woman and them forming a bond of friendship and intimacy that she can’t be a part of, while if a guy thinks his girl is cheating he pictures her on a dogleash getting ass-fucked by the dude while his friends take pictures and slap her face with their 9-inch cocks as she laffs at your “wee-wee.”

6) You know what I don’t need? I don’t need your phone to repeatedly tell me how important my call is to you while I’m on hold for 20 fucking minutes. My call’s important to you? Really? Then how about fucking talking to me, asshole. And when they’re not mentioning how important you are to their fucking company they’re running down a list of their services for you. Hey asshole I’m not fucking shopping around – obviously I picked you so you don’t have to fucking sell me. Unless, of course, I give up waiting on hold after 50 “your call is very important to us” fly-bys. And ps – MetroLine car service. Turn off the crazy fucking latin music while I’m waiting. Am I supposed to believe it’s the Mexicans in the neighbohood that are calling for car services? Hahahahaah!! Play some fucking Neil Diamond, I might hold longer.

7) I work in the real estate industry. A clue for some of you young people out there: don’t spend 20 minutes talking to me about buying a building and developing land and then give me your email and it’s something hello_kitty_cutiepie@yahoo.com. Fucking hell. If you slip me your email and it’s moredickplease@gmail.com I MIGHT not call your lawyer about doing a deal. Of course I will still do you and tell all my friends. Probably twice.

8) For some reason I always catch myself being surprised at how dogs just aren’t interested in the same things we are. For instance I was dog-stting last night and I happened to drop $40 on the floor (that’s right ladies, Xmastime is flush right now!!!) and for a split second I thought oh shit! I’d better grab it before he does!! But of course he just blankly looked at it and walked away. I thought wow, that’s funny, he could care less about money. But then again, I’m not into eating other dogs’ shit, so I guess we’re even. 

9) So THAT'S where White Castle burgers come from. Nice.

Weddings 4, Xmastime 1

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