Things are Good, Part XV

1) I went to Yankee Stadium the other night with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur). Is there anything better than going to a baseball game? Nyet. The food, the open air, the bright colors of the field, everything's perfect. EXCEPT. What the fuck is up with the between-innings ROARING sound system - I wanna kick back, relax, talk to my buddy while the teams switch on the field and I'm barraged with this sound system that is apparently powered by jet engines. Are they scared that if there's not constant action on the field, I'll leave? christ. IT'S BASEBALL - nothing EVER happens on the field!!!!! And then during big moments I've got the scoreboard screaming at me to get up and MAKE SOME NOISE!! GET EXCITED!!!!!! Jesus. Dude, I'm fucking excited already; Im at the damn game! I know the bases are loaded and Jeter's up, I'm not fucking reading "The Bridges of Madison County" in the goddam stands. I know you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just paid $9 for a fucking hot dog, but enough.

2) I love it when dudes in movies shove guns down the front of their pants to hold them. Cause I’m like yeah, if there’s any chance a gun might accidently go off I wanna make sure it blows my genitals off before anything else.

3) With warm weather coming up I’m bracing myself for the inevitable advice we’ll get during the first heat wave: “Stay inside with the air conditoning on.” Really? Wow, thanks! Because I was gonna cover myself in maple syrup, put on my heaviest wool sweater and spin in circles on the baking asphalt for a while. “Stay inside with the ac on.” If I could do that, Professor, then I wouldn’t give 2 shits about the heat, now would I? That’s like if I wanna be a millionaire, “Have a million dollars in the bank!” Thanks, JP Morgan.

4) We’re in America, so quit fucking saying “cheers!” when drinking. Whenever anyone says that I automatically think “must be gay.” The only way you can get away with this is if you’re actually British. Which is ironic, since if you’re British, I’ll think you’re gay.

5) I think the difference between men and women is that if a woman thinks her man is cheating on her, she pictures him being in love, having intimate conversations with the other woman and them forming a bond of friendship and intimacy that she can’t be a part of, while if a guy thinks his girl is cheating he pictures her on a dogleash getting ass-fucked by the dude while his friends take pictures and slap her face with their 9-inch cocks as she laffs at your “wee-wee.”

6) You know what I don’t need? I don’t need your phone to repeatedly tell me how important my call is to you while I’m on hold for 20 fucking minutes. My call’s important to you? Really? Then how about fucking talking to me, asshole. And when they’re not mentioning how important you are to their fucking company they’re running down a list of their services for you. Hey asshole I’m not fucking shopping around – obviously I picked you so you don’t have to fucking sell me. Unless, of course, I give up waiting on hold after 50 “your call is very important to us” fly-bys. And ps – MetroLine car service. Turn off the crazy fucking latin music while I’m waiting. Am I supposed to believe it’s the Mexicans in the neighbohood that are calling for car services? Hahahahaah!! Play some fucking Neil Diamond, I might hold longer.

7) I work in the real estate industry. A clue for some of you young people out there: don’t spend 20 minutes talking to me about buying a building and developing land and then give me your email and it’s something hello_kitty_cutiepie@yahoo.com. Fucking hell. If you slip me your email and it’s moredickplease@gmail.com I MIGHT not call your lawyer about doing a deal. Of course I will still do you and tell all my friends. Probably twice.

8) For some reason I always catch myself being surprised at how dogs just aren’t interested in the same things we are. For instance I was dog-stting last night and I happened to drop $40 on the floor (that’s right ladies, Xmastime is flush right now!!!) and for a split second I thought oh shit! I’d better grab it before he does!! But of course he just blankly looked at it and walked away. I thought wow, that’s funny, he could care less about money. But then again, I’m not into eating other dogs’ shit, so I guess we’re even. 

9) So THAT'S where White Castle burgers come from. Nice.