Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Shiftless When Idol
It finally happened - I, Xmastime, finally got to record with my idol Jeff of Dt & the Shakes, Kittners and Football Fans for Truth fame. It's not easy singing in front of your idol, especially when said idol is in your face screaming at you how bad you suck. But after some yelling, some tallboys and some crying (sorry Rrthur), and then some more tallboys, and then getting a new asshole ripped for not being in tune, then another tallboy, we do believe we have the hit of the year. Click HERE.
Happy August 16
August 16 has always been one of those “jump off the calander” dates for me, for many reasons. Babe Ruth, Elvis and Robert Johnson all died on August 16. The first Ramones show was on this date, and Pete Best was, as the Brits would say, “sacked” on August 16th. I just read that its Madonna’s birthday today, so we’ll see what “Her Genius” has in store for us today. Kathy Lee Gifford too, who I still wanna do. Whoa…Frank Gifford’s birfday too! Okay, now maybe I see why that kid is gonna be so creepy. Well, besides having a 90 year old father at your Little League games. But I also have personal reasons for always noticing August 16th.
1) August 16, 1989 - Bought my first car. Was a 1978 Ford Fiesta. I believe it was made out of Pepsi cans and…Diet Pepsi cans. Bought the thing for $400 from my friend Ryan, though I could have had it for $350 had my irrational fear of water not made me chicken out of riding on a jet ski. Of course I later found out that Ryan paid about ½ that when he bought it, but hey. I had some wheels. I remember it had an electric fuel pump, so it constantly made ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba sounds while I was cruising the strip for trim, and it also smelled like maple syrup. Well, maybe that was me. Amazingly enough, it had a sun roof. I have no idea how that came to be. Also a sound sytem that was worth WAY more than the car itself, complete with a separate equalizer. This was hot shit back in 1989, people. Also I managed to go about 8 months with no working tail lights or brake lights, which was overshadowed by the fact that my muffler was unattached on one end and was literally dragged around for about 2 months, sparks flying. Of course after I finally had it fixed my father casually mentioned that the sparks could’ve ingnited the gas tank and blown me to bits. Thanks pop! My girlfriend hated this car, she maybe rode in it twice. Which was great – I’d go to pick her up, start walking towards my car until I’d hear the inevitable “…ummm...let’s take my car.” Bling! That’s gas money in my pocket, which is no joke when you’re paying 96 cents a gallon and your car only gets 60 miles to the gallon, peeps!! Actually that was smart on her part, as it left more money for me to spoil her with at Pizza Hut. Smart girl (obviously – she dated me!!) On a side note, this reminds me that I probably paid for the cheapest prom dinner in history. All my friends chose some super-fancy French joint across the river called Windows. Great. I basically have to choose between dinner at this place or, you know, going to college. But I’m young, dumb and in love and this is where my girl wants to go, so I knock over a bunch of Girl Scouts during cookie season and we’re in. As for once God was smiling on me, it comes to be that this place is a seafood restaurant, so I’m off the hook – I hate seafood!!!! And through some other stroke of luck, my girlfriend isn’t in love with seafood either and ended up choosing some $4 shrimp appetizer thingee. “Keep the bread coming” I motioned to our waiter while my friends ordered clams casino scampi with extra saffron drizzle and sliced almond grenadine niblets in a pesto flecked with the earring Molly Ringwald gave Bender at the end of the Breakfast Club. My bill? $4.00!!!!!!! Of course God made sure my life still sucked by me not getting laid that night and sitting on and breaking the $75 pair of glasses that her mom had insisted on me buying before being entrusted with her Mercedes for the night. Ah well. I just noticed that if you quickly glance at them, can you tell the words “prom” and “porn” apart?
2) August 16, 1993 - I also bought my first real, new car on this date, a 1994 Jeep Cherokee. I don’t remember much about this one, but it did cart my ass back and forth between Tappahannock, VA and Oxford MS on many an occasion. When I left Oxford for the last time on my way to NYC via Tappahannock I had about $800 and a job waiting for me. I also had no car insurance, no tags, and an expired license. My plan was to park my car at home where no one would notice and then take care of all that shizzle later on, after I got settled in NYC etc. I somehow drove 1000 miles (in a driving rain, if I recall) without getting busted for these things listed above. I tucked the car off to the side of Rrthur’s house (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur!!) when I drove in at about 2am and figured I’d escape to NYC without anyone noticing, $800 and the big city ahead of me. Needless to say at 6am I was awoken by a furious Rrthur’s dad and next thing you know I’m at the DMV. Long story short, when I arrived in NYC the next day (January 1, 1998) I had $3 on me. And, just to make sure that NOTHING would go right for me, the guy that had hired me had completely forgetten about me and ta-da!! No job. I did get my last paycheck from Mississippi sent to me soon after though. You can imagine how that stacked up here in Brooklyn. A side note – I was down to my last $7, no job, wandering the streets of Brooklyn, where do I decide to say fuck it and cash in all my chips? That’s right - I could barely see the cashier through my salty tears and the greasy 4-inch thick bullet-proof glass as I laid down my fiver and 2 singles, but boy did them White Castles taste good.
3) August 16, 1995 – the day I moved to Oxford. How the fuck I stayed there for over 2 years is a mystery. I lived with Ryan in an apartment on Christman Drive; right next door to us were two typical Ole Miss frat fucks, but one interesting thing about them is that along with their two dogs, they had a pig. And, EXACTLY like that movie, the pig thought he was a dog, that he was “one of the guys.” Whenever I’d drive up the driveway, the 2 dogs would come tearing around the corner furiously to check out the action, and then….about 7 seconds later the pig would come chasing, belly swinging as he’d try to keep up, trying to look as angry as the dogs. “What the fuck’s up, guys!??!” Later in the evening I’d see them out in the yard trying to look like street toughs on a stoop, waiting for cars or people to come by to heckle, and you knew the pig was Horshack to the dogs’ Barbarino and Washington. Awesome. Another highlight from Oxford was Thanksgiving 1995. Ryan and I decided we were gonna stay in Oxford and make our own big Thanksgiving dinner. No, we’re not gay. Anyways we go to Kroger that morning to get everything, and as we’re about to check out I decide I should grab a case of beer. Since you couldn’t buy beer cold in Oxford, you kinda had to plan ahead. So I come strolling up with a case and Ryan FLIPS out, yelling at me for wanting to get shit-faced for Thanksgiving Dinner. No, we’re not gay. I try to explain to him I wasn’t gonna pound it when we got home and piss all over the Pilgrims, I was just gonna have it in the fridge for later on. Doesn’t matter, he’s furious, BOOM!! We don’t say one single word to each other after that. We go through the machinations of making a huge Thanksgiving Dinner, sit down and eat it…all while aggressively not speaking to each other. No, we’re not gay. And, even better, we filmed the whole fucking thing for some reason. It’s all on videotape. You see us silently making this huge dinner, silently eating it. Our silence does not end then; it goes on for 2 solid weeks. For two weeks we pass by each other wordlessly, live next to each other in total silence. The type of simmering rage you can only have for your best friend, I suppose. No, we’re not gay. Finally at the end of two weeks I’m sitting on the couch in the living room and he strolls in to the kitchen and grabs a box of cookies. I’m not paying attention, but because of my 14-day seething rage I can tell he’s looking in the box and strapping on his “I’m fucking incredulous!!” face. Then he does the ol’ look into the box-look up at me – look back into the box – look up at me routine.
“What?” (heeey…I broke the silence!! hooray!!)
“You ate my fucking cookies!!!!”
“What?”
“You ate all my fucking cookies you fucking shit!!!” (box thrown on the floor)
‘What the – shut the fuck up, I didn’t eat you precious fucking cookies!”
“You ate my fucking cookies!!”
“I did not eat your fucking cookies fuck you!!!!”
“You fucking shit!”
“Yeah, I got your cookies, ate them all, closed the EMPTY box up, carefully put them back on the shelf and chuckled ‘ooooh, he’ll never suspect a thing!!!!’!! fucking dumbass!!!”
This went on, screaming for 2 more minutes. Finally I stormed off to my room with a big “fuck you!!” and slammed my door. After about a 10 second pause I opened the door, saw him standing in the living room and shouted “You know what? Yeah, I ate your fucking cookies! And guess what – they were fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” slam!!!
This of course was so ridiculous that within minutes we were on the floor laughing at our our ridiculousness. Rolling on the floor, entwined with each other in our youthfulness, young skin on young skin as we suckled each other’s neck. Okay, that was gay.
It’s been almost 11 years and Ryan, and I can confess…I have no idea what happened to your fucking cookies.
4) August 16, 1997 – the day my first girlfriend got married. Sigh. Woke up, had a bottle of gin waiting for me, guzzled. Not that it was any loss or whatever – we see each other like once every two years, we were just kids etc but I guess you gotta mourn a bit when your first love gets married; you gotta give them that much respect. I assume after I get married she’ll do the same for me. Well, if her husband gives her the go-ahead. And if she remembers I’m alive.
So Happy August 16th peoples! Maybe something noteworthy will happen today.
1) August 16, 1989 - Bought my first car. Was a 1978 Ford Fiesta. I believe it was made out of Pepsi cans and…Diet Pepsi cans. Bought the thing for $400 from my friend Ryan, though I could have had it for $350 had my irrational fear of water not made me chicken out of riding on a jet ski. Of course I later found out that Ryan paid about ½ that when he bought it, but hey. I had some wheels. I remember it had an electric fuel pump, so it constantly made ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba sounds while I was cruising the strip for trim, and it also smelled like maple syrup. Well, maybe that was me. Amazingly enough, it had a sun roof. I have no idea how that came to be. Also a sound sytem that was worth WAY more than the car itself, complete with a separate equalizer. This was hot shit back in 1989, people. Also I managed to go about 8 months with no working tail lights or brake lights, which was overshadowed by the fact that my muffler was unattached on one end and was literally dragged around for about 2 months, sparks flying. Of course after I finally had it fixed my father casually mentioned that the sparks could’ve ingnited the gas tank and blown me to bits. Thanks pop! My girlfriend hated this car, she maybe rode in it twice. Which was great – I’d go to pick her up, start walking towards my car until I’d hear the inevitable “…ummm...let’s take my car.” Bling! That’s gas money in my pocket, which is no joke when you’re paying 96 cents a gallon and your car only gets 60 miles to the gallon, peeps!! Actually that was smart on her part, as it left more money for me to spoil her with at Pizza Hut. Smart girl (obviously – she dated me!!) On a side note, this reminds me that I probably paid for the cheapest prom dinner in history. All my friends chose some super-fancy French joint across the river called Windows. Great. I basically have to choose between dinner at this place or, you know, going to college. But I’m young, dumb and in love and this is where my girl wants to go, so I knock over a bunch of Girl Scouts during cookie season and we’re in. As for once God was smiling on me, it comes to be that this place is a seafood restaurant, so I’m off the hook – I hate seafood!!!! And through some other stroke of luck, my girlfriend isn’t in love with seafood either and ended up choosing some $4 shrimp appetizer thingee. “Keep the bread coming” I motioned to our waiter while my friends ordered clams casino scampi with extra saffron drizzle and sliced almond grenadine niblets in a pesto flecked with the earring Molly Ringwald gave Bender at the end of the Breakfast Club. My bill? $4.00!!!!!!! Of course God made sure my life still sucked by me not getting laid that night and sitting on and breaking the $75 pair of glasses that her mom had insisted on me buying before being entrusted with her Mercedes for the night. Ah well. I just noticed that if you quickly glance at them, can you tell the words “prom” and “porn” apart?
2) August 16, 1993 - I also bought my first real, new car on this date, a 1994 Jeep Cherokee. I don’t remember much about this one, but it did cart my ass back and forth between Tappahannock, VA and Oxford MS on many an occasion. When I left Oxford for the last time on my way to NYC via Tappahannock I had about $800 and a job waiting for me. I also had no car insurance, no tags, and an expired license. My plan was to park my car at home where no one would notice and then take care of all that shizzle later on, after I got settled in NYC etc. I somehow drove 1000 miles (in a driving rain, if I recall) without getting busted for these things listed above. I tucked the car off to the side of Rrthur’s house (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur!!) when I drove in at about 2am and figured I’d escape to NYC without anyone noticing, $800 and the big city ahead of me. Needless to say at 6am I was awoken by a furious Rrthur’s dad and next thing you know I’m at the DMV. Long story short, when I arrived in NYC the next day (January 1, 1998) I had $3 on me. And, just to make sure that NOTHING would go right for me, the guy that had hired me had completely forgetten about me and ta-da!! No job. I did get my last paycheck from Mississippi sent to me soon after though. You can imagine how that stacked up here in Brooklyn. A side note – I was down to my last $7, no job, wandering the streets of Brooklyn, where do I decide to say fuck it and cash in all my chips? That’s right - I could barely see the cashier through my salty tears and the greasy 4-inch thick bullet-proof glass as I laid down my fiver and 2 singles, but boy did them White Castles taste good.
3) August 16, 1995 – the day I moved to Oxford. How the fuck I stayed there for over 2 years is a mystery. I lived with Ryan in an apartment on Christman Drive; right next door to us were two typical Ole Miss frat fucks, but one interesting thing about them is that along with their two dogs, they had a pig. And, EXACTLY like that movie, the pig thought he was a dog, that he was “one of the guys.” Whenever I’d drive up the driveway, the 2 dogs would come tearing around the corner furiously to check out the action, and then….about 7 seconds later the pig would come chasing, belly swinging as he’d try to keep up, trying to look as angry as the dogs. “What the fuck’s up, guys!??!” Later in the evening I’d see them out in the yard trying to look like street toughs on a stoop, waiting for cars or people to come by to heckle, and you knew the pig was Horshack to the dogs’ Barbarino and Washington. Awesome. Another highlight from Oxford was Thanksgiving 1995. Ryan and I decided we were gonna stay in Oxford and make our own big Thanksgiving dinner. No, we’re not gay. Anyways we go to Kroger that morning to get everything, and as we’re about to check out I decide I should grab a case of beer. Since you couldn’t buy beer cold in Oxford, you kinda had to plan ahead. So I come strolling up with a case and Ryan FLIPS out, yelling at me for wanting to get shit-faced for Thanksgiving Dinner. No, we’re not gay. I try to explain to him I wasn’t gonna pound it when we got home and piss all over the Pilgrims, I was just gonna have it in the fridge for later on. Doesn’t matter, he’s furious, BOOM!! We don’t say one single word to each other after that. We go through the machinations of making a huge Thanksgiving Dinner, sit down and eat it…all while aggressively not speaking to each other. No, we’re not gay. And, even better, we filmed the whole fucking thing for some reason. It’s all on videotape. You see us silently making this huge dinner, silently eating it. Our silence does not end then; it goes on for 2 solid weeks. For two weeks we pass by each other wordlessly, live next to each other in total silence. The type of simmering rage you can only have for your best friend, I suppose. No, we’re not gay. Finally at the end of two weeks I’m sitting on the couch in the living room and he strolls in to the kitchen and grabs a box of cookies. I’m not paying attention, but because of my 14-day seething rage I can tell he’s looking in the box and strapping on his “I’m fucking incredulous!!” face. Then he does the ol’ look into the box-look up at me – look back into the box – look up at me routine.
“What?” (heeey…I broke the silence!! hooray!!)
“You ate my fucking cookies!!!!”
“What?”
“You ate all my fucking cookies you fucking shit!!!” (box thrown on the floor)
‘What the – shut the fuck up, I didn’t eat you precious fucking cookies!”
“You ate my fucking cookies!!”
“I did not eat your fucking cookies fuck you!!!!”
“You fucking shit!”
“Yeah, I got your cookies, ate them all, closed the EMPTY box up, carefully put them back on the shelf and chuckled ‘ooooh, he’ll never suspect a thing!!!!’!! fucking dumbass!!!”
This went on, screaming for 2 more minutes. Finally I stormed off to my room with a big “fuck you!!” and slammed my door. After about a 10 second pause I opened the door, saw him standing in the living room and shouted “You know what? Yeah, I ate your fucking cookies! And guess what – they were fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” slam!!!
This of course was so ridiculous that within minutes we were on the floor laughing at our our ridiculousness. Rolling on the floor, entwined with each other in our youthfulness, young skin on young skin as we suckled each other’s neck. Okay, that was gay.
It’s been almost 11 years and Ryan, and I can confess…I have no idea what happened to your fucking cookies.
4) August 16, 1997 – the day my first girlfriend got married. Sigh. Woke up, had a bottle of gin waiting for me, guzzled. Not that it was any loss or whatever – we see each other like once every two years, we were just kids etc but I guess you gotta mourn a bit when your first love gets married; you gotta give them that much respect. I assume after I get married she’ll do the same for me. Well, if her husband gives her the go-ahead. And if she remembers I’m alive.
So Happy August 16th peoples! Maybe something noteworthy will happen today.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Today's 4 o clock News
TODAY'S NEWS
Still NOT back together with my high school girlfriend. I don’t know what the deal is either; I would think 16 years is enough for a “break.” I don’t wanna play hardball here, but she should know that I am starting to lose interest. It’s a shame she won’t ever read this, since obviously she lives in an area where they have no phones/electricity/love.
In that theme, my record player is still down. Well, I guess I just need a needle. No record player = no Ramones at 100 Metro, which sucks. And while Im always thrilled with any press they get, seeing Martin Landau talk about them on “Entourage” for some reason was creepy. Mostly because I thought he was dead. We’ll see what happens I reckon.
I’m still sitting on an amazing record I made with my phantom band that has no shows booked, hasn’t seen each other in months and probably doesn’t exist anyways, a la that Todd Snider song from the 90s. So if anyone wants to put it out themselves, just let me know. The photo-shoots will be amazing, and I believe you’ll be more than interested in my catering tray ideas. Which reminds me of something I read the other day, that after the Colonel sold KFC in the 60s, he was actually sued by KFC for libelous comments – apparently the Colonel would travel from joint to joint and rant about how much the quality had slipped, how the gravy was “sludge”, and the chicken skin was “wallpaper paste.” Wow. All I can think of is man, if that’s what he considered crap, how great must KFC have been back when the Colonel was running the show? Jesus.
Still haven’t decided whether or not I'm into Virginia from “Hell’s Kitchen" or not. Don’t know what I’m gonna do here, as the season is over. Shouldn’t I have been able to make up my mind by now? I would think someone who can cook her ass off could make up for whatever she lacks in the looks department. She's not Mrs. Garrett after all. Something bout her nose, as a certain angle, launches into Miss Piggy. Like Posh Spice.
TODAY'S WEATHER:
72 degrees, 68% humidity. Rained some earlier. Chance of showers later on.
TODAY'S SPORTS:
Yankees won last night, their lead over Boston is 2 games. Yankee fans are still trying to figure out a way to blame A-Rod for only winning by 5, look for an update before game-time this evening. While I think of it, how has A-Rod gotten off so easily on the Hezbollah stuff? He never hits in the clutch, he's got 20 errors and then gets HAMMERED every day on NY Sports radio; can we really rule him out as a suspect for wanting to kill the Jews? Fucking A-Rod. Also, Reel to Reel has successfully completed another regular season with double digits in the win column. Let’s hope we don’t do our annual swan dive in the playoffs and can actually make a run this year. I am also entertaining offers from other bars for my post-game Sundays, as the Nest has become a place to house kickballers as they line up for the bathrooms, crowding everybody in with their over-the-top ironic hipsterness. They don’t even drink, they come in 40 at a time and stand there on top of us, hogging the pissers and making me feel uncomfortable for not writing a screenplay starring Peter Dinklage. What has put me over the edge though is the jukebox. After years of having the standard juke of Stones, Bruce, CCR etc now there is an internet jukebox, which has become the stage for some nutfuck who insists on dropping his paycheck in so that we can be pummeled by, ta-da!! Death metal. What the fuck. 3 o clock on a Sunday afternoon, trying to relax and I got this shit blasting in my ears. Thanks, assholes. So now I’ve discovered one bar that has a free bbq on Sunday followed by another that has free beers, which of course means chicks actually go there. So the wheels are being greased to actually find Mrs. Wilson in the summer of 2007. Glooooooooooooooooooory be.
Still NOT back together with my high school girlfriend. I don’t know what the deal is either; I would think 16 years is enough for a “break.” I don’t wanna play hardball here, but she should know that I am starting to lose interest. It’s a shame she won’t ever read this, since obviously she lives in an area where they have no phones/electricity/love.
In that theme, my record player is still down. Well, I guess I just need a needle. No record player = no Ramones at 100 Metro, which sucks. And while Im always thrilled with any press they get, seeing Martin Landau talk about them on “Entourage” for some reason was creepy. Mostly because I thought he was dead. We’ll see what happens I reckon.
I’m still sitting on an amazing record I made with my phantom band that has no shows booked, hasn’t seen each other in months and probably doesn’t exist anyways, a la that Todd Snider song from the 90s. So if anyone wants to put it out themselves, just let me know. The photo-shoots will be amazing, and I believe you’ll be more than interested in my catering tray ideas. Which reminds me of something I read the other day, that after the Colonel sold KFC in the 60s, he was actually sued by KFC for libelous comments – apparently the Colonel would travel from joint to joint and rant about how much the quality had slipped, how the gravy was “sludge”, and the chicken skin was “wallpaper paste.” Wow. All I can think of is man, if that’s what he considered crap, how great must KFC have been back when the Colonel was running the show? Jesus.
Still haven’t decided whether or not I'm into Virginia from “Hell’s Kitchen" or not. Don’t know what I’m gonna do here, as the season is over. Shouldn’t I have been able to make up my mind by now? I would think someone who can cook her ass off could make up for whatever she lacks in the looks department. She's not Mrs. Garrett after all. Something bout her nose, as a certain angle, launches into Miss Piggy. Like Posh Spice.
TODAY'S WEATHER:
72 degrees, 68% humidity. Rained some earlier. Chance of showers later on.
TODAY'S SPORTS:
Yankees won last night, their lead over Boston is 2 games. Yankee fans are still trying to figure out a way to blame A-Rod for only winning by 5, look for an update before game-time this evening. While I think of it, how has A-Rod gotten off so easily on the Hezbollah stuff? He never hits in the clutch, he's got 20 errors and then gets HAMMERED every day on NY Sports radio; can we really rule him out as a suspect for wanting to kill the Jews? Fucking A-Rod. Also, Reel to Reel has successfully completed another regular season with double digits in the win column. Let’s hope we don’t do our annual swan dive in the playoffs and can actually make a run this year. I am also entertaining offers from other bars for my post-game Sundays, as the Nest has become a place to house kickballers as they line up for the bathrooms, crowding everybody in with their over-the-top ironic hipsterness. They don’t even drink, they come in 40 at a time and stand there on top of us, hogging the pissers and making me feel uncomfortable for not writing a screenplay starring Peter Dinklage. What has put me over the edge though is the jukebox. After years of having the standard juke of Stones, Bruce, CCR etc now there is an internet jukebox, which has become the stage for some nutfuck who insists on dropping his paycheck in so that we can be pummeled by, ta-da!! Death metal. What the fuck. 3 o clock on a Sunday afternoon, trying to relax and I got this shit blasting in my ears. Thanks, assholes. So now I’ve discovered one bar that has a free bbq on Sunday followed by another that has free beers, which of course means chicks actually go there. So the wheels are being greased to actually find Mrs. Wilson in the summer of 2007. Glooooooooooooooooooory be.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Bin Laden in '08
1) I hope Bin Laden was watching Tony Snow’s press briefing yesterday.
“The President said WHAT? I couldn’t make ‘Road House 2’? Oh, HELL no he didn’t….”
2) I’m glad they’ve let us know that we’re at our highest threat level right now; red I believe is the color. Now I know that if I go somewhere I should take my armored tank with cruise missiles in case some shit goes down. Probably need to find my anti-anthrax sweater, too. Thanks guys! Seriously, other than car alarms is there anything more worthless than these terror alerts? What do they expect me to do? Stop standing in airports handing missle launchers to any dude who shows up with a tablecloth on his head? What the fuck. Knock it off. Unless Tara Reid's titty is about to pop out again, quit fucking alerting me.
3) I’m glad the war is over anyways. Well, it must be since we’re firing Arabic translators for being gay. Translators?!?!?!?!? We’re not even talking about dudes holed up (that sounds weird…) in the field, we’re talking about some guy by himself in an office translating shit. Are you kidding me? And this is the 55TH ONE THEY’VE FIRED!!!!!!!!! So don’t fucking ask me to take this war seriously if these dumbfucks are running things this way; if you’re pulling this crap then obviously we’re not as neck-deep in a “war against terrorism” as we had thought. I guess we’d rather risk more planes being hijacked than have an important piece of info found by some guy who gets hard whenever Brandon and Dylan call each other “bro” onscreen.
4) I love how some sites have a thing where as you link to something a commercial pops up, but you can click “skip this ad.” Aren’t you shocked they even give you the option? Amazing. Life should be like that. “Skip this traffic jam.” If you’re a Knicks fan “Skip this season.” “Skip this interview” for those dudes who get busted on tv thinking they’re meeting 13 year-old girls for sex. I love those guys. You’re on national tv, busted for being a wanna-be child molester - why not sit down with this guy in the kitchen for a while, talk things out? I’d like to see one of these guys go for the “Utter Humiliation Hat Trick” and, as well as getting caught being a perv and showing he’s an idiot by talking on camera, cut a fart on tv. “..well, you know, she said she would be here…oh, boy, sorry….damn boiled peanuts…anyways, so…”
5) I’m starting a “Dudes Whose Lives I’d Like to Have” list. So far I got Hef, Jimmy Buffet and Derek Jeter. As great as it’d be they each have their drawbacks, I suppose. Hef’s old. Buffett, you’d hafta sing ‘Margaritaville' every day. Jeter’s not 100% white. I guess it’s true, nobody’s perfect.
6) My personality test results here. Was really hoping I’d hit “Submit” and it would come back with “You’re Awesome!” or “Denzel –is that you??!?!!” I don’t know what any of it means, but apparently I’m a mix of Sally Struthers, Danny Glover and Donald Duck. I’m fat, too old for this shit and don’t wear pants. In other words, these tests are fucking dead-on. Wow.
7) I’m fairly certain that “Snakes on a Plane” is the first movie ever where just the title will suffice. You hear that title, you’re like wow…fucking awesome! And you have no need or desire to even see the movie, but would have no problem handing over $10 just for hearing the title.
8) Speaking of movies, I’ve watched “Hoosiers” oh, maybe 5,000 times. A super-slice, my religion. But it occurs to me every time I watch it that other than Jimmy Chitwood, I have no idea which player is which. I know there’s a Rade, a Merle, a Buddy. Strap, Ollie. I have no idea which is which, and for all I know they switch names throughout the flick. Which would actually help distract us from being bothered that with millions of dollars in their hands the best chick they could get for Coach Dale’s love interest was Barbara “Ugly Farmer Man” Herschey. A banner phone call for Hackman, I'm sure. "So Gene, you'll spend all day with these 16 year-old boys, then at the end of the day we'll let you kiss Barbara here. What’s that? No, I don’t think an affair with Dennis Hopper instead is a good idea here. It’s Indiana. See ya on the set!” Ugh.
9) I see Heather Mills has told friends she’s gonna take Paul McCartney “to the cleaners.” First of all, who came up with “taking ------ to the cleaners” to mean taking all of someone’s money? Shouldn’t it be “taking ----- to the bank”, as in take them to the bank where they will sign their money over to you? No, I’m gonna take you to the cleaners, where you will sign your freshly pressed button-downs over to me? Wait, maybe she meant going to the cleaners where he has something stored that will cover up her wooden leg. My bad. Tell you what though, along with Jayne Mansfield, Heather Mills is on my list of “Women Who Have Lost a Body Part I’d Still Love to Do.”
10) Fucking perv.
First, let's think about Iraq. One of the positions is that we need to leave Iraq -- we need to do it on a timetable, and we need to do it soon. It's worth walking through the consequences of that position. First, simply to walk away on a timetable without examining the conditions on the ground and without making sure that you have the ability for the Iraqis to stand up and also assert sovereignty over their territory and have a freestanding democracy would create a power vacuum and encourage terrorists not only in Iraq, but throughout the region and throughout the world that one of the problems that often besets democracies, which is impatience in hard times, in fact serves as a motivation for terror groups. Osama bin Laden some years ago said that one of the keys is that if you simply stay at terror long enough, the West is too weak, he said the Americans were too weak, and would stand down.Must be pretty good feeling knowing that our staying in Iraq is basically just to show him that we can. So fuck it, I‘m stepping up and nominating Bin Laden for President. Look at all the bumbling inefficiency we have in DC these days; meanwhile this guy has the single greatest super power in the history of the world spending billions of dollars as well as human lives simply cause he once mentioned that we couldn’t do it. Amazing. Think of what this dude could accomplish in the White House. “Hold up…President Bin Laden said we’d always be fat? Oh, fuck that!” BAM!!! National obesity rate plummets. “The HELL I can’t read!!” Literacy becomes the new GameBoy. And so on.
“The President said WHAT? I couldn’t make ‘Road House 2’? Oh, HELL no he didn’t….”
2) I’m glad they’ve let us know that we’re at our highest threat level right now; red I believe is the color. Now I know that if I go somewhere I should take my armored tank with cruise missiles in case some shit goes down. Probably need to find my anti-anthrax sweater, too. Thanks guys! Seriously, other than car alarms is there anything more worthless than these terror alerts? What do they expect me to do? Stop standing in airports handing missle launchers to any dude who shows up with a tablecloth on his head? What the fuck. Knock it off. Unless Tara Reid's titty is about to pop out again, quit fucking alerting me.
3) I’m glad the war is over anyways. Well, it must be since we’re firing Arabic translators for being gay. Translators?!?!?!?!? We’re not even talking about dudes holed up (that sounds weird…) in the field, we’re talking about some guy by himself in an office translating shit. Are you kidding me? And this is the 55TH ONE THEY’VE FIRED!!!!!!!!! So don’t fucking ask me to take this war seriously if these dumbfucks are running things this way; if you’re pulling this crap then obviously we’re not as neck-deep in a “war against terrorism” as we had thought. I guess we’d rather risk more planes being hijacked than have an important piece of info found by some guy who gets hard whenever Brandon and Dylan call each other “bro” onscreen.
4) I love how some sites have a thing where as you link to something a commercial pops up, but you can click “skip this ad.” Aren’t you shocked they even give you the option? Amazing. Life should be like that. “Skip this traffic jam.” If you’re a Knicks fan “Skip this season.” “Skip this interview” for those dudes who get busted on tv thinking they’re meeting 13 year-old girls for sex. I love those guys. You’re on national tv, busted for being a wanna-be child molester - why not sit down with this guy in the kitchen for a while, talk things out? I’d like to see one of these guys go for the “Utter Humiliation Hat Trick” and, as well as getting caught being a perv and showing he’s an idiot by talking on camera, cut a fart on tv. “..well, you know, she said she would be here…oh, boy, sorry….damn boiled peanuts…anyways, so…”
5) I’m starting a “Dudes Whose Lives I’d Like to Have” list. So far I got Hef, Jimmy Buffet and Derek Jeter. As great as it’d be they each have their drawbacks, I suppose. Hef’s old. Buffett, you’d hafta sing ‘Margaritaville' every day. Jeter’s not 100% white. I guess it’s true, nobody’s perfect.
6) My personality test results here. Was really hoping I’d hit “Submit” and it would come back with “You’re Awesome!” or “Denzel –is that you??!?!!” I don’t know what any of it means, but apparently I’m a mix of Sally Struthers, Danny Glover and Donald Duck. I’m fat, too old for this shit and don’t wear pants. In other words, these tests are fucking dead-on. Wow.
7) I’m fairly certain that “Snakes on a Plane” is the first movie ever where just the title will suffice. You hear that title, you’re like wow…fucking awesome! And you have no need or desire to even see the movie, but would have no problem handing over $10 just for hearing the title.
8) Speaking of movies, I’ve watched “Hoosiers” oh, maybe 5,000 times. A super-slice, my religion. But it occurs to me every time I watch it that other than Jimmy Chitwood, I have no idea which player is which. I know there’s a Rade, a Merle, a Buddy. Strap, Ollie. I have no idea which is which, and for all I know they switch names throughout the flick. Which would actually help distract us from being bothered that with millions of dollars in their hands the best chick they could get for Coach Dale’s love interest was Barbara “Ugly Farmer Man” Herschey. A banner phone call for Hackman, I'm sure. "So Gene, you'll spend all day with these 16 year-old boys, then at the end of the day we'll let you kiss Barbara here. What’s that? No, I don’t think an affair with Dennis Hopper instead is a good idea here. It’s Indiana. See ya on the set!” Ugh.
9) I see Heather Mills has told friends she’s gonna take Paul McCartney “to the cleaners.” First of all, who came up with “taking ------ to the cleaners” to mean taking all of someone’s money? Shouldn’t it be “taking ----- to the bank”, as in take them to the bank where they will sign their money over to you? No, I’m gonna take you to the cleaners, where you will sign your freshly pressed button-downs over to me? Wait, maybe she meant going to the cleaners where he has something stored that will cover up her wooden leg. My bad. Tell you what though, along with Jayne Mansfield, Heather Mills is on my list of “Women Who Have Lost a Body Part I’d Still Love to Do.”
10) Fucking perv.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Still Hot, but will Get Drunk Tonite
I don’t understand the hub-bub re: Mel Gibson. How come if someone from Hollywood, eg Alec Baldwin/Barbra Streisand tries to express their opinions, we should scoff at them and not care what they think; hey, they’re only actors! Bruce took a lot of shit for stumping for Kerry when he’s “only a musician.” ie shut up and sing or say your lines, other than that your thoughts mean nothing to us “real folks.” But if Mad Max guzzles a bottle of tequila and starts spouting crazy shit about Jews, whoa whoa, we’re supposed to take what he’s saying to heart, brand him a bigot and end his career and of course paint this as the latest symptom of how Hollywood is corrupt and ruining America. Seems like another case of some people picking and choosing what they wanna hear and use for their agenda - people who try to govern me according to the Bible. A collection of stories about people living to 900, people living in whales and burning bushes etc. Hmm. Drives me insane. Just the other day a girl I know tried to say that gay marriage is wrong because “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” When I called her on living through some other biblical examples, she of course dismissed these “oh, that’s silly”, therein picking and choosing the parts she wants to believe and, thusly, how others should be judged. You’ll hear Jerry Falwell et al do this on tv, they’ll rail against one thing because the Bible instructs us so, then laugh off another example (ie slavery) with oh, you have to understand how to interpret the good book. I got ZERO respect for this crap. I would have more respect for you if you went whole hog and were a total Bible-thumping Jesus freak, at least then you’re consistent -I have admiration for total blind faith, but not for cherry-picking faith for your own agenda/power.
If you tell me that there’s no such thing as evolution, that “God” created everything in 7 days including man in his own image, then why would we teach ANY science? Why did I spend a week in 4th grade learning about photosynthesis when it should’ve gone like this:
Mr. Futchko: Xmastime, what makes leaves green?
Xmastime: God does!!
Mr. Futchko: correct!!
And so on. Don’t rule that we have to teach creationism or ban gay marriage and base your argument on the Bible unless you’re willing to advocate stoning wives for adultery; don’t shove these things down our throats unless you’re willing to say that kings should rule countries – I am not an expert on the texts of the Bible, but I do remember there being kings everywhere and no “democracies”. Of course, one could argue that such a governing setup could be an example of mankind, you know…evolving. I can’t be the only dude in the world that finds it ironic that here we have a Prez who is a super Bible-thumper and seems to base his decisions on “conversations with God”, yet he goes hell-nell into the very land that all he worships came from, imposing his own doctrine. Anyways, one way or the other, but not both. I can not take you seriously if you’re going to troll though some fairy-tale book and pick and choose how you’d like me to live my life.
As for Mel, if you’re offended, okay. But is anything he said as offensive as “What Women Want” or the inevitable “Lethal Weapon XIV”? ugh. As Jefferson, the godfather of the seperation of church and state, once said "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God...aaarrggh, I'm too old for this shit."
If you tell me that there’s no such thing as evolution, that “God” created everything in 7 days including man in his own image, then why would we teach ANY science? Why did I spend a week in 4th grade learning about photosynthesis when it should’ve gone like this:
Mr. Futchko: Xmastime, what makes leaves green?
Xmastime: God does!!
Mr. Futchko: correct!!
And so on. Don’t rule that we have to teach creationism or ban gay marriage and base your argument on the Bible unless you’re willing to advocate stoning wives for adultery; don’t shove these things down our throats unless you’re willing to say that kings should rule countries – I am not an expert on the texts of the Bible, but I do remember there being kings everywhere and no “democracies”. Of course, one could argue that such a governing setup could be an example of mankind, you know…evolving. I can’t be the only dude in the world that finds it ironic that here we have a Prez who is a super Bible-thumper and seems to base his decisions on “conversations with God”, yet he goes hell-nell into the very land that all he worships came from, imposing his own doctrine. Anyways, one way or the other, but not both. I can not take you seriously if you’re going to troll though some fairy-tale book and pick and choose how you’d like me to live my life.
As for Mel, if you’re offended, okay. But is anything he said as offensive as “What Women Want” or the inevitable “Lethal Weapon XIV”? ugh. As Jefferson, the godfather of the seperation of church and state, once said "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God...aaarrggh, I'm too old for this shit."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Nice or Funny.
There are a few things that I'm sick and tired of hearing. Some are serious (war stuff), some are not so serious (everything else), but either way people saying the following things have really started to drive me bananas.
1)“I'm against the war, but support the troops”
Yes, I know, I’m a horrible monster – our patented response, no matter how vile we think this war is and how we’re against it we have to shrug our shoulders and say well, I guess we have to support the troops. This statement has started to chafe me as I realize hey, you know what? I DON'T support the troops. How can I be so against a war, against every layer of fabric that we purport to be fighting about/for, so convinced we've been lied to, yet be okay with spending $315 BILLION for this cause? This is called BEING A FUCKING PUSSY. The only money I want to send over there now is a one-way plane ticket back home for all the troops and lifetime gift certificates for the Budweiser and/or therapy they're gonna need when they get back and start living with how fucked up a situation they were put in, and that's if they're lucky enough to come back with all their limbs intact. They’ve gotten completely screwed in the name of greed and “Jesus”, and our pumping away more and more money is only doing them a disservice, giving our fake approval when we really just wish they’d come home and we spend $315 million on things like health insurance, education and things that really affect our everyday lives. I don’t give a damn about “Democracy in Iraq” if I can’t afford medicine for my sick kid who is 9 years old and can’t read. I am not assuaged by the fact that said money will be going to Haliburton, either. I’m weird that way I guess. Bring them all home - maybe one of them happens to be the guy that can explain K-Fed to me.
2) “Well, we have to stay in Iraq now”
Here’s one from people that don’t even try to fool you into thinking the war is going well or that we were right to go in there, but their weak-ass bit is “Well, we’re in there now, I reckon we have to stay the course” etc. Which of course is dumbass-ese for “well, now that we’ve taken thousands of Americans and placed them in the middle of a boiling cauldron that we don’t even begin to understand, complete with unusable equipment, sycophant “generals” and a coupla civil wars going on, I guess we have to leave em in there.” Ummm…no, you don’t. I missed the day in Sunday School where they said “2 wrongs make a right.” I’ve never started choking on a Chicken McNugget and thought “well, I guess I should shovel a few more into my gullet now that panic has set in and I can’t breathe.” Nobody gets in a car crash and figures well, I reckon I might as well plow though a few more cars since I’m already in this mess. No, you stop the bleeding, you get out. I’m sorry for all the people whose lives we’ve ruined in the Middle East, but our first priority should be the men and women that we sent over there based on…well, a bunch of fucking lies, so I don’t have to think of real words. Next time some dumbass uses this line, say “Really? Til when? EVERYbody’s dead?” And yes, I have done the thing with the McNuggets, get off my ass people. On a side note, I’ve come up with a new sauce for McNuggets for dipping – a combination of mayo and the skin from other McNuggets blended together. Smooth, chunky, and guaranteed to keep the girls away from you for a looooooooooong time.
3) “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative”
Here’s another classic. In response to the ATROCIOUS job that’s been done over the last 6 years, Conservative pundits love to say “hey, we haven’t heard of a better solution from the Democrats.” This might be true, but who knows when the same fuckheads have been running this circus for 6 years? This is like right before the 2004 election when these idiots were saying “well, I just don’t know if John Kerry is going to do better.” What the fuck??!?!!? What the fuck more would Dubya have had to had done (Editor: grammatically the previous 5 words are known as a “triple dangling gerundive participle to the 5th power) to make these idiots think “gee…maybe someone else could do better…”? Rape some Boy Scouts, burn down the Capitol? Give away the secret Coke formula? I saw it as a pure firing- no, I have no idea how Kerry would be, but Dubya had 4 years and basically we went from a country that was the just-outta-the-fryer Chicken Selects to a half-cooked McRib that someone left in the urinal like those piss-cake thingees. You had 4 years, you were terrible, goodbye. But no, Conservatives would shake their heads and try to scare people “Gee, do you really think Kerry will be better?” This is like wanting to fire someone for stealing from the office, but you think “well, I better keep him cause the next guy I hire, what if he steals from the office AND fucks my wife/husband/Flavor Flav?” For all we know John Kerry would’ve walked into the Oval Office, dropped a deuce on the Presidential Seal and appointed Tommy Lee “Secretary of Fuckstick.” We don’t know this, but we DID know we had a completely crooked, incompetent boob of a President and we still had people falling for this shit. “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative?” Isn’t it tough to imagine a worse one than what we have? Fucking Christ. OOooh –just thought of another McNugget choice: hollowed-out, intact skins from other McNuggets stuffed with little Big Mac chunks! Wow. My great-great-great-great grandson just had a heart attack. Ouch.
4) “It was worth it for an Iraqi democracy.”
This is fo the poor mothers and fathers that have to make sense of their son’s death. “Bobby wanted to be there, he would be proud he gave his life for democracy in Iraq.” Really? Listen – I don’t have a kid in the Middle East, I know that grief makes us say and believe things, and if a parent of a dead soldier read this and walked up and slapped me in the face, I’d understand. But do you think if the Army knocked on Bobby’s door in, say, Des Moines and said “Hey Bobby, how would you like to come halfway across the world to risk your life and limbs so that Iraq could become a ‘democracy’? It’ll be living hell, in the end we’ll probably accomplish nothing and about 40,000 of you will come back with no legs, but you could be part of shoving democracy down some country’s throat – grab your sneakers!” I’m thinking Bobby would say ahhhhmmm…no thanks. I promise you if given the choice of their son back and safe or an Iraqi democracy, Bobby’s parents would want him back, and it wouldn’t even be close. Though if they DID choose the other way, that would make for an awkward Thanksgiving whenever Bobby did get back. Given the choice of mission accomplished or going home, I promise you Bobby would be back in Des Moines planning his fantasy football picks and trying to beat the folks to the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mailbox. I hope Toby Keith reads this so we can have his next hit “We STILL Ain’t Scared, and Xmastime’s a Pussy.” Any network that trots out these family members are purely exploiting their grief and need for their loved ones to have died for a reason; although I’m sure they mean it when they say it I don’t believe it and I’m tired of fucking hearing such absurd shit. These tv “pundits” should know better. And if someone’s taking up valuable tv time on things such as this I can’t help but wonder why am I listening to Mr. and Mrs. Doe from Des Moines when for all we know Paris and Nicole made up and I’m not getting the 411?
5) “She’s fighting cancer”
This is another thing people say to make themselves feel better. So & so is 94, has cancer, is immobile and in a hospital bed but we gotta say “Hey, she’s fighting it. She’s a fighter.” Is she? I dunno. You’re basically lying there – there’s nothing you can do with your hands, the medication’s not working; am I now to believe you’re using a Jedi mind trick to keep yourself alive? We always like to feel like someone hung there an extra day or two by sheer determination. Cause yeah, if there’s ever a period of my life I’d like to drag out a little longer it’s when I’m in bed shitting myself while my family hovers over top of me waiting for me to kick so they can all fight for my “Highlights” collection. I wanna be the other guy, so they say “Yeah, I dunno, I thought Xmastime woulda lasted a few more days, but he really seemed to give up and let himself die. Didn’t fight it at all. A quitter, some might say.”
6) “He/she’s going to a better place”
This one always cracks me up. The one thing we will never, ever know as humans is what it’s like after we die, but people sprain an ankle racing to be the first dipshit to say “Well, he’s in a better place.” I don’t know about that. First of all, right here we got blowjobs, cheeseburgers and baseball. We can go to the beach, tell Yo Mama jokes, we can pay an “escort” to put on blackface and pretend she’s Nell Carter from “Gimme a Break.” Seems to me like that’s tough to beat. I don’t know what’s on the other side and I never will, but I’ll take my chances with a world that has potato chips and “Alf” dvds. Secondly, if death means going to a place that’s better than here, and you’re sure enough of it to say it out loud, why wouldn’t you kill yourself?
7) “I wanna live close to my family”
I’m sick of hearing athletes say this shit to justify taking oodles more $$$ to play for a crappy team instead of joining one that has a chance to win a ring sometime this century. Umm, asshole….you make $10 million a year, can’t you make your family go where you want them to? Oh, right, I forgot, your wife is the assistant night manager for Wal-Mart, so you have to…stay in Florida and play for the Marlins. Gee, if only she could give up that primo job she has – I guess your salary only pays for the houses, boats, cars, children’s education as well as setting up your descendents for generations and SOMEone has to pay for Little Debbie snacks and thumbtacks. My mistake!
8) “His stuff is filthy/nasty”
I’ve noticed announcers during baseball games are trying to outdo each other with describing someone’s pitches. It used to be “Wow, Jim has a great curveball” or “Wow, Jim’s fastball is humming tonight.” Now the cool thing to say is “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is NASTY!”, although this has recently been surpassed with “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is FILTHY!!!” Filthy? Nasty? Seems a bit much. It’s just a ball being hurled from one dude to another, can we lay off the over-the-top nonsense? It’s only a matter of time before we’re hearing “Jesus, Jim’s curve is green diarrhea tonite!” or “Jim’s slider is a monkey-based strain of AIDS tonite!” Relax fellas, it’s only baseball.
9) “If you saw me at home, you’d see how normal I am!”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve read/seen some dipshit model or actress saying this I’d have about $14. Hot chicks love to ASTOUND us that gee, at home she just wears jeans and a t-shirt!! Wow!!! Just like a normal person! Unbelievable!! Cause I guess we would normally picture you lolling about at home in a birdbath filled with the blood of the cast of “Gone with the Wind”, wearing dresses made of solid gold and steak from Peter Lugers. Give me a fucking break. I would normally picture you at home in some sort of casual attire, it’s not a big deal. Unless of course you’re Carnie Wilson, in which case I picture you face down in a bath tub filled with gravy while hooked up to your home liposuction kit.
10) “She’s not pretty in person!”
I’ve picked up that girls LOVE to see a famous actress/model and claim that in real life she’s ugly. Just today I heard two women talk about Christy Turlington; one had seen her and was VERY excited to report that in real life she is, in fact, “ugly.” Hmm. Doubt it. I’m sure there’s such a thing as being photogenic, but while the camera may add “10 pounds” I doubt it adds “hot.” Yes, I’m sure she looks her best when professionally dolled up; I doubt she looks like a dog in real life, I doubt some photographer or agent thought “I can take this disgusting, mauled-faced turd and turn her into Ashlee Simpson.” Whoops – I meant “turn her into a star.” My bad. Relax girls, we’re not gonna ditch you for Christy Turlington. Unless of course the situation comes anywhere near presenting itself, a la George Costanza and Marisa Tomeii, but what are the odds of that? I guess the male equivalent would be to see Derek Jeter at a batting cage somewhere and telling all your boys that in “real life” Jeter can’t hit for shit and looks bad doing it while we all clap with glee “I knew it!!”
11) “Hollywood is run by a bunch of Liberals!!”
Boo hoo hoo. You hear the fucking Right whining about this. Hey Assface, look at what town you’ve run for years….WASHINGTON DC. You’re in the White House, you control Congress and you’ve had what, 15 Supreme Court Justices appointed in the last year. So calm the fuck down; unless they drop “Howard the Duck II” on us I’m sure you can cause waaaaay more damage than anyone in Hollywood. Well, until this guy get’s his license back anyways.
Okay. All the talk about McNuggets has cheered me up a little bit. And sitting here yammering means I'm missing the 659 channels that have Poker on right now.
1)“I'm against the war, but support the troops”
Yes, I know, I’m a horrible monster – our patented response, no matter how vile we think this war is and how we’re against it we have to shrug our shoulders and say well, I guess we have to support the troops. This statement has started to chafe me as I realize hey, you know what? I DON'T support the troops. How can I be so against a war, against every layer of fabric that we purport to be fighting about/for, so convinced we've been lied to, yet be okay with spending $315 BILLION for this cause? This is called BEING A FUCKING PUSSY. The only money I want to send over there now is a one-way plane ticket back home for all the troops and lifetime gift certificates for the Budweiser and/or therapy they're gonna need when they get back and start living with how fucked up a situation they were put in, and that's if they're lucky enough to come back with all their limbs intact. They’ve gotten completely screwed in the name of greed and “Jesus”, and our pumping away more and more money is only doing them a disservice, giving our fake approval when we really just wish they’d come home and we spend $315 million on things like health insurance, education and things that really affect our everyday lives. I don’t give a damn about “Democracy in Iraq” if I can’t afford medicine for my sick kid who is 9 years old and can’t read. I am not assuaged by the fact that said money will be going to Haliburton, either. I’m weird that way I guess. Bring them all home - maybe one of them happens to be the guy that can explain K-Fed to me.
2) “Well, we have to stay in Iraq now”
Here’s one from people that don’t even try to fool you into thinking the war is going well or that we were right to go in there, but their weak-ass bit is “Well, we’re in there now, I reckon we have to stay the course” etc. Which of course is dumbass-ese for “well, now that we’ve taken thousands of Americans and placed them in the middle of a boiling cauldron that we don’t even begin to understand, complete with unusable equipment, sycophant “generals” and a coupla civil wars going on, I guess we have to leave em in there.” Ummm…no, you don’t. I missed the day in Sunday School where they said “2 wrongs make a right.” I’ve never started choking on a Chicken McNugget and thought “well, I guess I should shovel a few more into my gullet now that panic has set in and I can’t breathe.” Nobody gets in a car crash and figures well, I reckon I might as well plow though a few more cars since I’m already in this mess. No, you stop the bleeding, you get out. I’m sorry for all the people whose lives we’ve ruined in the Middle East, but our first priority should be the men and women that we sent over there based on…well, a bunch of fucking lies, so I don’t have to think of real words. Next time some dumbass uses this line, say “Really? Til when? EVERYbody’s dead?” And yes, I have done the thing with the McNuggets, get off my ass people. On a side note, I’ve come up with a new sauce for McNuggets for dipping – a combination of mayo and the skin from other McNuggets blended together. Smooth, chunky, and guaranteed to keep the girls away from you for a looooooooooong time.
3) “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative”
Here’s another classic. In response to the ATROCIOUS job that’s been done over the last 6 years, Conservative pundits love to say “hey, we haven’t heard of a better solution from the Democrats.” This might be true, but who knows when the same fuckheads have been running this circus for 6 years? This is like right before the 2004 election when these idiots were saying “well, I just don’t know if John Kerry is going to do better.” What the fuck??!?!!? What the fuck more would Dubya have had to had done (Editor: grammatically the previous 5 words are known as a “triple dangling gerundive participle to the 5th power) to make these idiots think “gee…maybe someone else could do better…”? Rape some Boy Scouts, burn down the Capitol? Give away the secret Coke formula? I saw it as a pure firing- no, I have no idea how Kerry would be, but Dubya had 4 years and basically we went from a country that was the just-outta-the-fryer Chicken Selects to a half-cooked McRib that someone left in the urinal like those piss-cake thingees. You had 4 years, you were terrible, goodbye. But no, Conservatives would shake their heads and try to scare people “Gee, do you really think Kerry will be better?” This is like wanting to fire someone for stealing from the office, but you think “well, I better keep him cause the next guy I hire, what if he steals from the office AND fucks my wife/husband/Flavor Flav?” For all we know John Kerry would’ve walked into the Oval Office, dropped a deuce on the Presidential Seal and appointed Tommy Lee “Secretary of Fuckstick.” We don’t know this, but we DID know we had a completely crooked, incompetent boob of a President and we still had people falling for this shit. “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative?” Isn’t it tough to imagine a worse one than what we have? Fucking Christ. OOooh –just thought of another McNugget choice: hollowed-out, intact skins from other McNuggets stuffed with little Big Mac chunks! Wow. My great-great-great-great grandson just had a heart attack. Ouch.
4) “It was worth it for an Iraqi democracy.”
This is fo the poor mothers and fathers that have to make sense of their son’s death. “Bobby wanted to be there, he would be proud he gave his life for democracy in Iraq.” Really? Listen – I don’t have a kid in the Middle East, I know that grief makes us say and believe things, and if a parent of a dead soldier read this and walked up and slapped me in the face, I’d understand. But do you think if the Army knocked on Bobby’s door in, say, Des Moines and said “Hey Bobby, how would you like to come halfway across the world to risk your life and limbs so that Iraq could become a ‘democracy’? It’ll be living hell, in the end we’ll probably accomplish nothing and about 40,000 of you will come back with no legs, but you could be part of shoving democracy down some country’s throat – grab your sneakers!” I’m thinking Bobby would say ahhhhmmm…no thanks. I promise you if given the choice of their son back and safe or an Iraqi democracy, Bobby’s parents would want him back, and it wouldn’t even be close. Though if they DID choose the other way, that would make for an awkward Thanksgiving whenever Bobby did get back. Given the choice of mission accomplished or going home, I promise you Bobby would be back in Des Moines planning his fantasy football picks and trying to beat the folks to the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mailbox. I hope Toby Keith reads this so we can have his next hit “We STILL Ain’t Scared, and Xmastime’s a Pussy.” Any network that trots out these family members are purely exploiting their grief and need for their loved ones to have died for a reason; although I’m sure they mean it when they say it I don’t believe it and I’m tired of fucking hearing such absurd shit. These tv “pundits” should know better. And if someone’s taking up valuable tv time on things such as this I can’t help but wonder why am I listening to Mr. and Mrs. Doe from Des Moines when for all we know Paris and Nicole made up and I’m not getting the 411?
5) “She’s fighting cancer”
This is another thing people say to make themselves feel better. So & so is 94, has cancer, is immobile and in a hospital bed but we gotta say “Hey, she’s fighting it. She’s a fighter.” Is she? I dunno. You’re basically lying there – there’s nothing you can do with your hands, the medication’s not working; am I now to believe you’re using a Jedi mind trick to keep yourself alive? We always like to feel like someone hung there an extra day or two by sheer determination. Cause yeah, if there’s ever a period of my life I’d like to drag out a little longer it’s when I’m in bed shitting myself while my family hovers over top of me waiting for me to kick so they can all fight for my “Highlights” collection. I wanna be the other guy, so they say “Yeah, I dunno, I thought Xmastime woulda lasted a few more days, but he really seemed to give up and let himself die. Didn’t fight it at all. A quitter, some might say.”
6) “He/she’s going to a better place”
This one always cracks me up. The one thing we will never, ever know as humans is what it’s like after we die, but people sprain an ankle racing to be the first dipshit to say “Well, he’s in a better place.” I don’t know about that. First of all, right here we got blowjobs, cheeseburgers and baseball. We can go to the beach, tell Yo Mama jokes, we can pay an “escort” to put on blackface and pretend she’s Nell Carter from “Gimme a Break.” Seems to me like that’s tough to beat. I don’t know what’s on the other side and I never will, but I’ll take my chances with a world that has potato chips and “Alf” dvds. Secondly, if death means going to a place that’s better than here, and you’re sure enough of it to say it out loud, why wouldn’t you kill yourself?
7) “I wanna live close to my family”
I’m sick of hearing athletes say this shit to justify taking oodles more $$$ to play for a crappy team instead of joining one that has a chance to win a ring sometime this century. Umm, asshole….you make $10 million a year, can’t you make your family go where you want them to? Oh, right, I forgot, your wife is the assistant night manager for Wal-Mart, so you have to…stay in Florida and play for the Marlins. Gee, if only she could give up that primo job she has – I guess your salary only pays for the houses, boats, cars, children’s education as well as setting up your descendents for generations and SOMEone has to pay for Little Debbie snacks and thumbtacks. My mistake!
8) “His stuff is filthy/nasty”
I’ve noticed announcers during baseball games are trying to outdo each other with describing someone’s pitches. It used to be “Wow, Jim has a great curveball” or “Wow, Jim’s fastball is humming tonight.” Now the cool thing to say is “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is NASTY!”, although this has recently been surpassed with “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is FILTHY!!!” Filthy? Nasty? Seems a bit much. It’s just a ball being hurled from one dude to another, can we lay off the over-the-top nonsense? It’s only a matter of time before we’re hearing “Jesus, Jim’s curve is green diarrhea tonite!” or “Jim’s slider is a monkey-based strain of AIDS tonite!” Relax fellas, it’s only baseball.
9) “If you saw me at home, you’d see how normal I am!”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve read/seen some dipshit model or actress saying this I’d have about $14. Hot chicks love to ASTOUND us that gee, at home she just wears jeans and a t-shirt!! Wow!!! Just like a normal person! Unbelievable!! Cause I guess we would normally picture you lolling about at home in a birdbath filled with the blood of the cast of “Gone with the Wind”, wearing dresses made of solid gold and steak from Peter Lugers. Give me a fucking break. I would normally picture you at home in some sort of casual attire, it’s not a big deal. Unless of course you’re Carnie Wilson, in which case I picture you face down in a bath tub filled with gravy while hooked up to your home liposuction kit.
10) “She’s not pretty in person!”
I’ve picked up that girls LOVE to see a famous actress/model and claim that in real life she’s ugly. Just today I heard two women talk about Christy Turlington; one had seen her and was VERY excited to report that in real life she is, in fact, “ugly.” Hmm. Doubt it. I’m sure there’s such a thing as being photogenic, but while the camera may add “10 pounds” I doubt it adds “hot.” Yes, I’m sure she looks her best when professionally dolled up; I doubt she looks like a dog in real life, I doubt some photographer or agent thought “I can take this disgusting, mauled-faced turd and turn her into Ashlee Simpson.” Whoops – I meant “turn her into a star.” My bad. Relax girls, we’re not gonna ditch you for Christy Turlington. Unless of course the situation comes anywhere near presenting itself, a la George Costanza and Marisa Tomeii, but what are the odds of that? I guess the male equivalent would be to see Derek Jeter at a batting cage somewhere and telling all your boys that in “real life” Jeter can’t hit for shit and looks bad doing it while we all clap with glee “I knew it!!”
11) “Hollywood is run by a bunch of Liberals!!”
Boo hoo hoo. You hear the fucking Right whining about this. Hey Assface, look at what town you’ve run for years….WASHINGTON DC. You’re in the White House, you control Congress and you’ve had what, 15 Supreme Court Justices appointed in the last year. So calm the fuck down; unless they drop “Howard the Duck II” on us I’m sure you can cause waaaaay more damage than anyone in Hollywood. Well, until this guy get’s his license back anyways.
Okay. All the talk about McNuggets has cheered me up a little bit. And sitting here yammering means I'm missing the 659 channels that have Poker on right now.
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