Day One. Still Alive.

So today I kicked off my “Let’s See What Happens if Xmas Eats Something that Isn’t Chicken Skin for 30 Days” by forgoing my usual deep-fried tripe between two Snickers bars and putting together a salad. I was actually looking forward to it, I must say. Pile of lettuce. Sliced some cucumbers, some tomato. Even some (blech) carrots. Then, since I’m a protein freak as you know, some tuna on top - hey, any group that are responsible for the dolphins dying is cool with me. Was not looking too bad. Put some ranch dressing on the fucker, dig in and....FUCK!!! I had accidentally used BLUE CHEESE dressing instead of Ranch. Christ. Fucking disgusting; what’s with these people eating a cheese named after the color it turns if you leave it out for a few months to rot? Wouldn’t this be like having a loin of Green Beef? Ugh. I was immediately furious and wanted to get two large sausage & pepperoni pizzas, scrape off the cheese and meat into a bowl and eat it, using 2 hot dogs as edible chopsticks. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

But no no, I calmed down....health first....ate the goddam salad. Didn’t like it. But ate it.

Up until today I had always laughed at dudes who spent 20 minutes stretching before they exercised. Fucking pussies, I’d laugh. Oh, we had stretching shit we’d do before football practice, but even then it was lunge here, lunge there, playing patty-cake with whomever you were teamed up with; who needed to stretch when your were 16 years old and your body was built out of testosterone, raw sinew and pine tar? Pretend to stretch, play a 3-hour football game, eat a 3-lb chocolate cake on the way to the Chinn Dome and gun the rock all night. Things were different back then. Now, I go outside to “jog.” I look at the clock on my phone – 6:45pm. Perfect, I’m thinking, I’ll knock out a few miles, back here by 7:30, go rustle up some trim. Look around quickly, and there’s always some faggot stretching against the wall. What a loser! I laugh at him then take off sprinting.

Next thing I know I’m on the ground, desperately trying to roll over so that I’m in the way of the oncoming bus I hear so I can be out of my misery. My hamstring is screaming like a bitch in heat, both of my calves have actually left my body, saying “fuck this shit!” and my shins have completely locked up on me. My heart is freaking out by the excitable activity, wondering “is he watching that fucking German porn again??!??!” I’m laying there, feeling as if my lungs are on fire. I don’t mean they’re hurting, I mean I’m now wondering if the laws of science allow for an actual fire to take place within the human body. The final ignominy comes when I slowly swing my phone in front of my eyes to see how much time has elapsed and it’s ..... still 6:45. christ.

So I get my ass moving today, and I actually stretch a little bit and eat like a human. Yes, like a homo. But hey. Health first!!!!!!!