Friday, June 29, 2007
Metro Caveman
As I’ve been trying to better my body for the first time in 50 years, I’ve had some strange thoughts lately. Last night I started thinking about buying a new shirt, something nice to go out in. Then I caught myself. “Who the fuck do you think you are, a Kennedy?” I shrugged off the thought. Then this morning I was heading to the shower, and I saw some stolen-from some fancy hotel soaps etc in The Barber’s toilette. Lathered myself up with the frou-frou soap (ie NOT used Dial soap) and actually put conditioner in my hair. Already feeling like a half a fag I went for the whole penis-chilada and picked up a bottle of “ginseng lotion.” Hmm. Never put on lotion before. Fuck it, started spreading it on myself. Then realized you know what....are you even supposed to put this stuff on in the shower? The one thing I remember about my last girlfriend, other than she was months away from inventing the microwave oven, was that she was constantly putting on lotion while standing around yapping. So I guess I fucked up with the ginseng. You know, if I’m gonna be a metrosexual, I’m gonna need some lessons for fuckssake.
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4 comments:
"for the first time in 50 years"
you are killing me right through the 'puter screen.
Milled soaps are really nice. Ask the Barber to pick up some extras. Dial is very drying. Try Lever 2000....or Dove.
If you get a nice shirt, which I think you should, you don't have to go fancy. Try Kohls for a nice short sleeved button up number. Plaids are nice dad shirts. You would be wise to don a dad shirt.
You can leave it out...don't tuck.
Make sure the shoulders and neck are shaved to perfection. I would NOT suggest waxing the chest...just shave up by the collar so you don't look like an ape. Leave top unbuttoned, but no more than 2. I love tee shirts on a man, white ones are nice when it gets to be autumny outside. Use a spray on deoderant. Arrid extra dry. Save the empty cans. Powder is okay. Pinaud is nice I understand "A crisp light scent for the 'modern' man" and Billy Bob swears by it. Johnson's Lavender Baby Powder is nice all over. Just don't use Gold Bond down under or you will experience a severe chilly-burn. Not pleasant. Lotions? For men? Caswell Massey has a nice one,
" Greenbrier". SPF fortified. try a nice slap on Cologne. I LOVE this one called "Truth".
Calvin Klien's "Truth" After shave is the best. I would suggest that any man who knows the power of a good cologne or aftershave, go out and get some of this stuff. Available online or fine department stores.
http://www.scentiful.com/prod_detail.aspx?categoryid=3&id=4945&gclid=CJ-2psCrgo0CFRrnPgodfHW6WQ
oh yeah.... AVOID THE HORIZONTAL STRIPED GOLF SHIRT.
renders a man powerless. Don't get taken down by a horizontal stripe.
For polo shirts best stick to the solid.
Same goes for the Dad shirt. Vertical stripes are nice. Commanding. Solids are always safe.
My dad has this saying,
" Never trust a man in a brown suit." I take it a step further and don't trust men in brown anything. Never ever buy brown underwear. They do come in brown. Bad idea. Recently dated a man by the name of Brown. He proved untrustworthy.Stay the heck away from anything BROWN.
From what little I know about you, I think its safe to say you are no where near Metrosexual status.
Slather on.
Pop the collar.
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